Getting sick of it all

[skettle]

My and my partner live a fair distance away from each other at the moment and so only get to spend one in every two weekends together. He comes to stay with us every other friday night until sunday night. The trouble is he constantly comes down with no money, he works full time yet can never seem to manage to save a few £s just to enable us to go out for a few drinks... even though Ive said Ill pay for myself, he still never has enough money to pay for himself.

I know he's in alot of debt, he has credit cards and loans etc and he is terrible with money, as soon as he gets paid he more or less wastes it all. He ran up a big phone bill on his mobile and ended up getting his contract terminated and court action threatened because he couldnt pay it.

He also insists on keeping a 14 year old, modified car which, together with his driving convictions for speeding (which he seems to think is big and clever) provide him with a £130 a month insurance bill not to mention constant repairs on it (it spends more time off the road than on).

I have two children of my own to support yet when he comes down on the weekend he thinks nothing of asking me to 'lend' him money towards magazines and in the past has asked me to lend him money for DVD's, clothes, takeaways and alcohol, he doesnt seem to realise that I get less money than he does...yet I simply budget properly.

Earlier this year we went on holiday to blackpool, he was supposed to be saving money to go yet ended up taking half of what he was supposed to be taking, we had planned to go half's on everything, one night we went out to the tower and he took £15 with him, this was to cover a meal for 4, entrance fee's to the tower and all the drinks for the night. I ended up spending around £70 that night trying to keep everyone (including him who was nagging for food and drink!) happy.

Everytime he's in trouble he phones his mum up (who he still lives with), he came to stay with me for two weeks a few months ago and brought with him £40 to last the two weeks...first thing he did when he got here was buy a console game for £30. This left us skint and unable to do anything at all for the duration of the two weeks (I had money but could hardly just go out and leave him and I couldnt afford to pay for us both to go out etc). So he phones his mum... she puts £30 in his bank account....first thing he does with that is buy a new coat. The thought of supporting himself when he's here never seems to enter his mind.

He's hoping to move in with us next year but the way things are going I think this would devestate my household finantially, I think he would waste all our money on stupid things, bills wouldnt get paid and we'd never have any money to enjoy ourselves...at the moment we are ok, everything is paid on time and we have money to save and spend... am I wrong to risk losing this stability?

am I being harsh? is he likely to change his ways once he comes into the real world (i.e. leaves his mum)? Sometimes I feel like Im whinging over nothing, he is a nice bloke deep down, he's always buying the kids dvd's etc (but again that's spending money that he hasnt got) but I spent 7 years with my ex never going out and never doing anything exciting...Im seeing so many signs of this in my current DP that it's putting me off taking it any further.

Any advice/thoughts welcome.

Also, whether you like it or not, he'd be a role model for your children. Not the kind you'd choose, I don't think.

Hi again, thanks for all the replies we had a bit of an argument last night, I told him I was sick of him always coming down with no money and was sick of never going out or doing anything...his excuse was that it costs him £50 a time in travel costs just to come and see me. What gets me though is his overall attitude, he never pays off credit cards yet this month he gets a £100 unexpected pay back from insurance so what does he do? at the one time in the year where he needs money to spend (christmas) he decides, finally to put it on the credit card which will inevitably free up more credit for him to use in the future, probably for christmas things! The thought of paying his way while he's here with me, again, never crossed his mind.

Last night I also told him that Im sick of the way he behaves in cars, I think its embarrasing being in a car with someone who is reving the engine to try and intimidate people...his reply to that was "I could pick fault with your driving but I dont".

As for buying me things...he used to, he used to always come down with DVD's, CD's etc and once bought me some perfume...thing is he would come down on the saturday with £30, spend it all on the saturday and then expect me to pay for him for the rest of the weekend (this is when he used to stay long weekends till about Tuesday) buying take-aways, alcohol etc. I hinted that not buying presents and just having some money to spend while he was here would be a better idea but it never seems to register.

He has done a few things in the house, he's put together a few flat packed furniture things and did a bit of the garden (despite me telling him it was pointless doing the garden until I had the money to rotovate it as it would all grow back...which it has!), but he refused to help me put some doors up and hardly ever does any domestic chores...one time I left him here while I went to college and he said he would wash up...when I got home there was pots all over the kitchen...apparantly, after spending a bit of time with the playstation there was no time left to do anything else.

Another thing that gets me is his reliance on other people, ages ago we went for a night out and at 2am we were stranded in the city centre without a taxi (due to an argument over him wanting to go home early).. so he gets his mobile out and asks for my step-fathers phone number to come and pick us up!! 2am when he has to be at work the next day?? (I didnt let him phone him). He assumed my step-father would be laying my laminate flooring (as he initially didnt want to help me) and he also assumed my step father wouldnt mind putting my living room doors up since he wouldnt help me do it.

Ive always been a pretty independant person, as far as DIY is concerned I will have a go at anything but he thinks that everyone else should do it, same with money...I hate borrowing and never do...its second nature to him though.

He also refuses to talk to me, everytime I bring something up that is bothering me he will go off in a huff saying that he doesnt like being made to feel like s*it and that Im "bringing up the past" just to cause arguments.

The whole thing is really getting me down, I dont want to lose him but realistically I know its going nowhere. He's big in ideas, we're going to Florida, we're buying a big house on a new development, we're getting a new car...he lives in a dream world

Skettle, I don't think you're bumping him up in our general estimation .

You do know, instinctivly, that this is going nowhere - or, more accurately, he's taking you to hell in a handcart!

You are obviously strong and sorted - get rid of him, or let this fizzle out in it's own good time, but in the mentime don't let him bleed you dry of any more money!

Good luck!

skettle, if he is working full time and you move in with him he will have control of ALL THE MONEY. he will get his wages and if you get tax credits unless he agrees to ou having them he will be in control of them asell. you will have nothing and neither will your kids. its not a matter of you losing him, its the other way round. your children WILL suffer if he moves in. please dont do it, you deserve so much better

Message withdrawn

What an absolute wanker this bloke sounds.

Run while you can skettle.

He should be trying to 'woo' you and tell you that you are the best thing in his life and that he would do anything for you.

You deserve better than this and you know it.

Imagine how it would be if he moved in. If he aint trying to impress you now he certainly wont in the future.

Get rid of him now.

Get shut of him

but you love him - so what good qualities has he got?

Skettle,

Re your comment - "I dont want to lose him but realistically I know its going nowhere".

Why don't do you want to lose him?. Do you honestly feel that you cannot have anyone better?. Was your ex the same (he also sounded like you did everything and got nothing in return); if so there is a pattern here within you that you yourself need to break.

I also wonder what you're getting out of this so called "relationship" of yours. My guess is not much.

What attracted you to him?. I get a feeling that you're either trying to save him or rescue him from himself. You are certainly bailing him out - you are his enabler (his mum is also an enabler). Don't do it - such an approach will not work and the people who will primarily suffer if he moves in will be your children and yourself.

Such men can and will sap any remnants of self esteem that you have and I get the feeling also you were emotionally vulnerable to start with. Where and how did you two meet?.

You have built up an independent life for you and your kids - do not throw this away on some loser who will fleece you for all you have worked so hard for.

This guy had a gambling problem - do not kid yourself anymore; he still has.