How do I get him to treat me as an equal?

[blossomgirl]

We are really hard up at the moment. DP leaves all the finances to me, and I know he's worse than useless at budgeting. Thing is, every time he overspends I have to make cuts to keep us level. its got bad enough that sometimes i (not him) eat next to nothing for a day or so before pay day, and like today I get paid and have to transfer all the money to his account to reconcile the bloody extras he's been having. Ohh Grr. How do I get him to see how this is unfair without getting nasty??

not let him access the money and just giove him "pocket money"?
Maybe a bit harsh but if he's behaving like a child and not taking any responsibility then perhaps you should treat him like one

Can you get him to do the accounts for a month so he realises how hard it is?

What would happen if you didnt put money in his account?

Behave like an equal. Why is it that YOU give him all your money, then don't eat when the money runs out.

Don't bail him out every time. His overdraft is his overdraft = his problem.

And if anyone goes without food, it's the one who spent all his money.

Bl%%dy hell woman, stand up for yourself

he has a cash account and he has a cheque account, all our bills come out of the cheque account so if i did not transfer the money our rent and all goes unpaid. We transfer money to his cash account on Fri and Mon but like this week he overspends and takes the cheque acc card and uses.

This has taken months of pussy footing around him to get this far. We had the baliffs round about a year ago (his old council tax), a notice to repossess from the landlord (social) in June. Thank god we are up to date with all of this now, I don't want it to "go" again.

Will look for Money Drunk. He is. What's hit me now is he's used his credit card to buy a new mobile phone and a TV game.

So the problem is helping himself to money out of the bills (cheque) a/c and buying things on a credit card?

You should transfer the joint things into your name only and then he sets up a standing order into your account, then if whatever he is left with is his to spend and worry about.

You really need to take control and it sounds like he needs help. Not wanting to sound too morose, this is how my ex behaved. I would take a packed lunch to work and not spend a penny all week but he would still have his two pints and a packet of fags every day which amounted to about £50 a week at the time. Sadly he never changed and I was fed up going without whilst he never made any effort to curb his spending

Bozza Yes. It is that simple, but he says it is for us. We are hard up so the money is not alot that goes into his cash account £40 Fri and £40 Mon, but I survive (!) on the CHB.

£80 a week is ample personal money! You say that you survive on the child benefit which is less than that - I get £113 for four weeks for two children. I bet out of that you are also buying things for the kids.

His behaviour is not on. You need to have a proper discussion about it, put the numbers on the table and explain the problem. Then see what he thinks about you taking control of the bill account and his credit card.

Reading all your threads. Thank you you are all giving me strength. Sometimes I see his cider and meat in the fridge and I just feel myself switching off to how I really feel. Yes I should stand up for an equal match. His argument is that he has cut back alot ( from reckless to almost within budget) and that i'm just Mrs No. How do you halve nothing fairly?

But blossomgirl its not nothing. He has £80 a week. Neither DH or I have that amount of money to spend on ourselves.

You're not halving nothing!! Please don't look at it like that. The way he is behaving he is taking what is not there. You need to make him see that.

Yes Bozza you're right. I often wish I had a fiver. I thinkk the scales are falling from my eyes here.

I have to go to now ds who has just woken up, thank you all for the food for thought and for answering . I will post again after tonight as this is tonights topic when I get home from work. [fingers crossed] x

Good luck.

Open a new account, put sufficient money in to pay bills, set up new direct debits etc. and dont have cash cards for it.

Would he understand that this is a perfectly acceptable way of doing things?

If not, a good talking to is in order. I dont just mean all the usual stuff that youve gone over before, I mean you need to lay it on the line, spell it out....

Thank you Pagan too. Taking what is not there. Its true.

And Madmarchhare, thank you. I can see the way i've been looking at this is unequal. I really have to go now, thanks for the luck wish bozza

Good luck from me too - let us know how you get on

Well he slept downstairs last night, and was already asleep when i got home from work. He left for work early and found an excuse to phone home the way in.

Have not risen to the bait, and am determined we will cover new ground and sort this out [big sigh] but he is going down the "you are not perfect and i'm unhappy" route because i said he needs to face this demon for us to survive. I said....

"Yes I?ve got my demons. I don?t understand why you stand aghast when I say I think you?ve got a problem with money. I don?t care if you your parents were loaded, if you never had to worry, or what. WE HAVE £7 a day to live off for the next 8 days. And its up to you now if you will support us as best you can through this."

and

"I think you are feeling guilty about the wrong thing [worrying about a sick relative]. It is all about money, because without a partnership on that we are doomed. You can?t expect to have my support and blessing to hit your credit card when you are down. You can?t."

Any comments out there? We are between emails at the moment.. oh phones ringing...

Good luck. I love to see a girl stand up for herself.

You have raised very valid points. Post the points he makes and we will decimate them for you!

Hi Colditz, just got off the phone to dp, so nothing in text. Why are grown men sometimes such small boys? He's in his fifties fgs. Phoned to say he's thinking about not coming home (resisted the temptation to ask where he could stay for £7 less petrol and food )

Managed to keep cool and talk straight. Felt like mumsnet power. Like I had my gang with me, only grown up and reasonable. Horrah!! He left by saying he had to go because he was being waved at out the window, felt like a retreat. Hope he has a good think. It feels much better standing my ground, afterall he will know where he stands if i make it clear where i do?

It must be ambiguous me saying "these are the rules, but if you break them its ok, i'll just suffer" doh doh doh

How not to be my mother??! I expect he'll come home.

If you have enough for him to eat, you don't have nothing to eat. You eat his. He goes without. There is notheing like 1 night's hunger to teach budgeting.

Let him know where you draw the line, but you have to know yourself you can stick to it. Tell him about where you draw the line before yoou draw it if you see what I mean

Good for you girl. He is behaving like a small child who doesn't want to admit his problems in the hope that thet will just go away so he doesn't have to face responsibilities