Thinking about moving in together and we've gone into tailspin

[happytourer]

DP and I have been seeing each other for about 9 months. Things have been going well, we had our first holiday planned together. DP lives about 30 miles away, hardly a long distance relationship, but it?s becoming an issue. I don?t have a car, so I travel by train.

This weekend we had an argument about the future. We?ve discussed the idea of moving in together. DP works long hours, night shifts, etc (DP?s a doctor) and wouldn?t want to be the one to commute, which leaves the option of me moving to DP?s town.

In the past, I had a relationship where for two years I ended up living in a town I didn?t want to be in, about 35 miles from work, and without friends there, I felt isolated, even if they were only an hour away on the train. I was very miserable, and the relationship ended. I therefore have an instinctive reluctance to do the same again, move to a town thirty miles away from my work and my friends. The 30 miles is more of a psychological barrier, but it feels a big one to me.

DP thinks that if I?m not going to move, then, ultimately there?s not much of a future. DP also said that if we were right for each other, the distance wouldn?t be an issue. As far as DP is concerened, it?s only half an hour on the train to my town and then a bit more to the office. We are both fixed in our jobs until 2014, and I?m 31, DP?s 32, so we?re both reluctant to spend the next 3 years having a ?weekend relationship?. Since we?ve had this argument, it feels as if we?ve gone into a tailspin. If we?re not going to move forward in the near future, let?s end it. I was taking a more ?let?s see how it goes? approach.

Is this all doomed, or is this a mountain out of a molehill?

beautiful - love yur post I'm in that position.... wish I had married before moving in with DP who now holds the cards. ANyway, that's me :(

To the OP - don't be too flexible with him or you'll spend the rest of your life being flexible, whilst he doesn't give an inch

Agree - the ideal is to marry then move in or get joint accommodation halfway. If he's not making any concessions big red flag (bitter experience talking!)

oops, sorry, just caught up with post - i mean 'she'.... i guess the legal rights still apply?

Happytourer, life with a hospital doctor can be tough in terms of moving around, esp when they are still training and esp in SW where the teaching hospials can be far enough apart to mean moving as opposed to just commuting to a different part of the city. Then, when they reach consultant status, the only available job might be at the the other end of the country and you have to up sticks again. In 10 years with a doctor, he's been at 7 hospitals and we have lived apart twice, once for a year and once while I've been pregnant, looking after a two year old and working part time. We're moving to somewhere that jobs opportunities are not as great for me, and we have to live 12 miles from the hospital. But that's fine, because I had no illusions it would be otherwise and no reservations that it was what I wanted.

Thanks MamaChoo,

I think being a doctor is very tough, especially on women. I've heard some statistics that female doctors (especially hospital doctors) are more likely to remain unmarried than male doctors because of the pressures of work, night shifts, moving around, etc.

happy - what is it that's really playing on your mind more at this point: is it the thought of moving to another town and feeling isolated, or are you more troubled now by the fact that your DP is not sufficiently engaging with your feelings in this situation thus causing you to think she may not be the one?

I realise they're both pretty tied up in each other. But just wondered if theoretically you would be happier about moving if you didn't have doubts about your DP (like maybe if she had a cast-iron reason why she couldn't move herself, and was being more sympathetic and understanding towards you) or whether the moving thing is such a big issue for you that you are retrospectively finding reasons not to do it, ie problems in your relationship.

This relationship just doesn't sound all that, tbh. I wouldn't rush in to anything.

Thanks for the advice, we go on holiday next week, and we'll see how things go from here

DH and I lived 2 hours + away from each other for nearly 2 years and we would only see each other at weekends and maybe one night some weeks. He would come to me all the time as I didn't want to leave my cat but we did it. Now we are married and have been together for 15 1/2 years, married for 12.

TheOriginalFAB,

Thanks, I also know people in a similar situation (though not married for 15 years). I have two friends who spent 3 years seeing each other at weekends, etc, until they got married last year, and another set of friends who even though they lived in the same time, would only spend a night or two a week at each other's, and they're engaged to be married.

I think if it will work out, it shouldn't matter to need to be moving in at 9 months.

AND???? How was the holiday?