Thinking about moving in together and we've gone into tailspin

[happytourer]

DP and I have been seeing each other for about 9 months. Things have been going well, we had our first holiday planned together. DP lives about 30 miles away, hardly a long distance relationship, but it?s becoming an issue. I don?t have a car, so I travel by train.

This weekend we had an argument about the future. We?ve discussed the idea of moving in together. DP works long hours, night shifts, etc (DP?s a doctor) and wouldn?t want to be the one to commute, which leaves the option of me moving to DP?s town.

In the past, I had a relationship where for two years I ended up living in a town I didn?t want to be in, about 35 miles from work, and without friends there, I felt isolated, even if they were only an hour away on the train. I was very miserable, and the relationship ended. I therefore have an instinctive reluctance to do the same again, move to a town thirty miles away from my work and my friends. The 30 miles is more of a psychological barrier, but it feels a big one to me.

DP thinks that if I?m not going to move, then, ultimately there?s not much of a future. DP also said that if we were right for each other, the distance wouldn?t be an issue. As far as DP is concerened, it?s only half an hour on the train to my town and then a bit more to the office. We are both fixed in our jobs until 2014, and I?m 31, DP?s 32, so we?re both reluctant to spend the next 3 years having a ?weekend relationship?. Since we?ve had this argument, it feels as if we?ve gone into a tailspin. If we?re not going to move forward in the near future, let?s end it. I was taking a more ?let?s see how it goes? approach.

Is this all doomed, or is this a mountain out of a molehill?

Why is it difficult to get in touch? Surely if you ring, he can see you've rung and give you a ring back when he's got a break/wakes up?

If he sulks and goes incommunicado over this or is putting lots of pressure on or giving ultimatums, then those are not good signs and you'd definitely be better not moving in.

Perhaps a minor point, but are you "fixed" until beginning or end of 2014?

I met my husband just before I started a 2yr course local to me.

It wouldn´t have worked to live together so we spent every weekend & holiday together & got married when my course finished.

We decided after 6 months together that we wanted to marry.

I agree with beautiful - date him, stay with him often during the week and do your commute, but don't move. It may be only 30 miles, but it's a big deal for you.

There are some worrying signs here. He isn't willing to compromise, and is suggesting that unless you do what he wants after only 9 months that there is no future. Also agree with buzzsore - is odd that he hasn't been in touch with you if you're meant to be going away together on Monday - is he punishing you?

How does he get on with your friends and family? Does he make an effort to get to know the people in your life and do stuff that you like doing?

Also, if you've never been on holiday together, think it's a bit soon to be moving in together.

Hi, I wanted to respond as I have sort of been in a similar situation. I came to France a couple of years ago with the plan of staying for a year or so, just to experience living somewhere else and learning a new language etc. Almost immediately I met my boyfriend and we are still together now. He has a son from a previous relationship, so there is no question of him ever upping sticks back to the UK with me, and I would never dream of putting pressure on him to do this. So, for as long as we are together, we are living here in France....or at least for the next 12 years until his son would be old enough to leave home.

Anyway, I went through a phase after we first moved in together where I felt very isolated and sad that I was so far from all my friends and connections in the UK, even though I really like France. It was hard to accept that if I wanted to be with my DP I couldn't go back to live there. The things that helped me to get over this, were:

a) making friends with my DPs friends, one or two of whom I really hit it off with and now see regularly on my own, not always with him.
b) my job here in France, and socialising with my colleagues
c) keeping myself very busy - I joined a local music group with weekly rehearsals, joined a gym to keep me busy on another couple of evenings (it helps to have a schedule I think),went to local events, ANYTHING but sitting around by myself at home in the evening waiting for my DP to get back, which is the time that I usually started to feel my most depressed. (Like yours, my DP works longer hours than me)
d) talking to my UK friends a lot on facebook & msn, arranging regular visits (me to them and them to me)

...and two years on, I feel much happier than I did originally. I still miss living in a place where I had 28 years worth of friends, connections, family etc but by embracing what I have here - my DP and other types of opportunities, it's got a lot better.

Obviously 30 miles isn't exactly the same as another country, but I think your situation could work, it all depends what you make of it. Though like others, I hope your DP's attitude isn't quite as unsympathetic as it comes across!

Thanks for the advice. I'm fixed in my job until April 2014.

I wondered what you make of this and whether my DP is being unreasonable. We've just had another argument. DP finished nightshift at 9am this morning and had been in bed. We had tentatively discussed meeting tonight at DP's to have dinner. I'm walking home from work because I've not heard from DP. I ring DP having sent a few texts, DP is up, I suggest coming to mine. DP says no, DP doesn't fancy driving. Because I have to work at 9am tomorrow, and DP works at 9pm tomorrow, we could sleep longer here, I could cook, etc.

DP says no, and I feel that I have to go to DP's town, and now I'm under pressure. I say ok, then a little later ring to say no, we can chat on phone, but we're both not happy now and it seems to be getting worse.

Should I have just gone? Is DP being unreasonable. DP sees it as a plan we made. I see we had a rough plan but I suggested an alternative.

Hi happy - I wonder if you are aware that you started this thread talking about moving in together to "see how it goes" before thinking about marriage and then a bit later on you said you might consider moving to the same area "to see how it goes" before thinking about moving in together.

It seems that you are actually not ready for either major change but your DP is, provided it's not him making the changes.

I believe that co-habiting is as big an emotional and financial commitment as marriage (although you don't get the same legal rights?).

Would you marry someone who promised to love, cherish and see how it goes with you?

This is a massive commitment and if you are not entirely convinced it is the right decision, I would suggest you stay where you are and find out whether this man is prepared to consider your needs and compromise.

After all, if he wants the relationship to move on, he'll have to prove he's worth it won't he.

Distance aside, he does sound unreasonable.

In your OP you say that he thinks that if you are not ready to move there is no future. That would ring alarm bells.

I think some hospitals put restrictions on doctors where they live - is that the case with yout DP?

It seems ridiculous that he doesn´t want to drive to you imo.

And 30 miles isn´t that far-unless it´s an awful road that takes hrs!

OP, who suggested living together first?
If it was him - knowing he didn't really want to make any changes to make this happen - I would say, walk away. If he is saying a. we should live together, but b. I am not changing anything to facilitate this, then you should say c. bye.

Also, if it was him, how did he ask you to live with him? Did he say "I have enjoyed every moment I have spent with you and I can't imagine anything more wonderful than sharing my home with you"? If so - promising. Or did he irritably mutter, "well we should be living together by now"? If the latter, you can expect him to ignore you if you do get a place together (whether in his town or yours) and treat you like staff. Men like that just want to get the domestic-female-installed box ticked and then get on with their own stuff with someone at home doing the cooking.

You do sound unsure about him, to be honest. I think perhaps he instinctively senses that. It doesn't matter if your hesitance is due to him personally or your past experiences.. If it's there, it's there. It's okay to be unsure about moving in with someone, and to say that.

When I was in a LDR, with him 12 hours by train and several hundred miles away, I would have given up everything to move and be with him. He could never make plans and commit to anything, and turned out to have major personality disorders/mental heath issues. But I was fully (gleefully) prepared to move to a crappy rainy Welsh ex mining town where I knew no-one and had nothing, just to be NEAR him, let alone living with him. And I felt that way quite early on, though I didn't verbalize it til months had passed. Perhaps you don't feel hugely strongly for him or you both want different things, and it's only now becoming apparent to both of you?
Hope you find a solution that works, whatever it is.

Firstly I want to thank you all. There were quite a lot of questions and I wanted to answer as many as I can

diddl, both DP and I are fixed until 2014 (me until April, DP until August). In the mean time DP may need to spend a year abroad (could be anywhere), and a year in another town around 50 miles away. I do think doctors, although paid well, are really mucked about.

Dozer, to be fair, DP does get on well with my family and friends (we've grsdually been introduced over the past months). DP's friends are all doctors, and DP was sexually abused as a teenager and has no links with parents (which is understandable). I think DP is a good person.

Kayah, DP is moved on a yearly basis making things difficult.

I do wonder whether simply I'm unready. Perhaps DP isn't "The One" (as daft as that sounds)

Vezzie It was DP that suggested living together first. I rent and DP owns and therefore it's easier for me to move, and my job is less stressful. I'm not sure DP realises I would be the one making most of the sacrifices (except for personal space, which is not to be dismissed)

Singout, I do wonder whether we're totally in love. We've both said things very close (I'm falling in love with you, I love being with you, but not "I love you", and I think that goes both ways). DP is funny, attractive (solvent, shouldn't matter, but it does to an extent), and a good person.

This is all so complicated, I'm tempted to go on holiday, we're not likely to fall out screaming at each other, and we've paid for it.

I think the holiday would still be a good idea tbh.

And if you want things to work, they will!

I´m not a living together kind of person & if somebody had asked me, the relationship would have died right there!

Your DP is still training to be a doctor, I think there's a lot of pressure on them as even getting a locum is bloody hard nowadays.

I suspect in his contract he signred that he has to loive within certaoin distance from work.

I didn't realise they hads to go abroad to work , it used to be just a few months stint in the past and very soon after they left uni.

I also understand he may have to study to pass some more exams, hence lack of time etc, even the job 50 miles away may not materialise and become /ne 500 miles away.

don't make anything permanent until you spend some time staying in with him.
Another point - faxct that all of his friends are doctors also points at him not having much time to spare and another argument why he wants to live closose to work.

No "I love you"?? You're letting this all get to you so much, and he doesn't even love you??

Go on the holiday by yourself! I'm serious! Take a copy of "Why Men Love Bitches with you, get a tan, relax, and regroup.

Then come home and watch him either a) chase you like he's never chased you before; or b) ditch him.

I love every word of vezzie's brilliant post! :)

I wondered what you make of this and whether my DP is being unreasonable. We've just had another argument. DP finished nightshift at 9am this morning and had been in bed. We had tentatively discussed meeting tonight at DP's to have dinner. I'm walking home from work because I've not heard from DP. I ring DP having sent a few texts, DP is up, I suggest coming to mine. DP says no, DP doesn't fancy driving. Because I have to work at 9am tomorrow, and DP works at 9pm tomorrow, we could sleep longer here, I could cook, etc.

DP says no, and I feel that I have to go to DP's town, and now I'm under pressure. I say ok, then a little later ring to say no, we can chat on phone, but we're both not happy now and it seems to be getting worse.

Should I have just gone? Is DP being unreasonable. DP sees it as a plan we made. I see we had a rough plan but I suggested an alternative.

You should have made other plans, as soon as it got to 5.30pm or whenever you were leaving work. You'd texted, you hadn't heard from him, so you should've simply happily arranged to do something else that suited you. And when he contacted you, you should have said, "I didn't hear from you so I've made plans to go out with the girls," or whatever. Do stuff that SUITS YOU. Tentative plans aren't worth worrying about.

You soumd scared of him! You sound like you feel you have to tie yourself in knots in case he gets in a mood, or angry, or finishes with you. I think it'd be a blissful release if he finished with you!

You should be at the Saying I Love You stage by 9 months. I'm still incandescent with bafflement why you'd even consider moving 30 miles from your entire lovely life to live with a grumpy, selfish man who can't even rouse himself out of his pit of insular moodiness to tell you he loves you!

I do understand though, as he sounds like my ex-H. I was just like you, tying myself up in knots, fretting, unable to see wood, trees, anything. I blew my whole 30s on him - met him when I was 29, left when I was 39. Now I'm a single mother to two little kids, living on my own. It really messed up my life-plan!

Please get out now! It's too late for me but you can still save yourself!

I'd go on holiday, but moving in doesn't sound right - if you're not at the stage where 'I love you's are shared, you're definitely not at the stage of living together.

And you have too many doubts, you're not sure of his or your own feelings. Trust your instincts, don't override the little voice that says this isn't quite right.

OP, is your DP perchance female? Sorry if that's prying into an area you might not want to discuss. I'm not sure how much difference it makes(except for the issues others have raised over eventual children).

Gibbous,

You've spotted it. I was very careful throughout my posts to not refer to gender. I spoke of DP's town/job, etc, rather than her town/job, etc. Does it put a different spin on things?

To be honest, I can understand DP's point of view quite clearly. She wants some form of commitment in the forthcoming future (as I say, it's been 9 months now), as she would like children (so would I), but in being honest and admitting my reluctance to move to the new town, it's opened a can of worms, and things seem to have spiralled out of control

Well as I said sorry if I'd blown something you wanted to keep secret. I don't know if it puts a different spin on things, not for me personally, but maybe for others or maybe not. I wouldn't have asked but pregnancy was mentioned, albeit only in a theoretical vein.

My two penneth is, while it would be more practical in one sense for you to move (her shifts), it is less impractical in another (you having no car, although if you share her's then maybe that's not a problem).

I can understand the frustrations of distance but it's a balance, the frustrations could be greater if you move. I'm with Beautiful in keeping it light. "I don't think that would really work for me but maybe we can think about it again in another few months, in the meantime let's go and have a drink." kind of thing

However, and it's a big however, I think the more worrying aspect is the emotional blackmail overtures. Nine months is a very short time in a whole lifetime of things. And even more so, you haven't said you've loved each other yet. I would not be moving away from my town to make a practical commitment when the emotional commitment might not be there.

Tbh I don't like the sound of this woman, she sounds like a spoilt child acting up because she isn't getting it all her own way.

Go on holiday, have a nice time if you can and take it from there, but if she keeps pushing against your obvious discomfort I think that says a lot.

Thanks gibbous,

I appreciate your thoughts. I do think that she has a very stressful job, and also that I can understand she doesn't want to be "mucked around" by me, especially as children is something we both ideally want. I can understand her desire for clarity of the situation, and she is lovely, we have been having a great time together.

I would say that her past is quite troubled (I've mentioned she was abused) and I think that adds to her desire for security.