Dealing with moody men in all walks of life

[BibiBlocksberg]

Hello, I really hope you'll forgive me for putting this here but even though my topic is work related I think it will make sense to people in this section and all my MN friends are here and and and

Basically I work in a very small team consisting of me, my boss and a part-time person who started in April but has mainly been off sick since then (sounds bitchy but just saying because its true and relevant)

Thing is my boss is a very moody sort of person and if anyone makes a mistake (another department, me, etc) he gets into a really shitty mood and does 'angry typing' for hours,slams his mouse, sighs etc.

If I ask him a question I get a reluctant answer in a 'FFS' tone of voice so I prefer not to ask him anything if I can help it.

Since it's usually really quiet on the floor (7 people in total on big office floor) and in the team, I will occasionally try to make conversation which is mostly met with a puzzled stare and then boss turns back to his monitor without saying anything.

If he is having a conversation with me he makes it perfectly clear when it's over because again he will turn back to his PC while I'm still talking to him and just blank me. Stupid me just shuts up, sits down and feels like a total pain in the arse for having said anything

Just to demonstrate what a sap I really am, I tend to work an extra couple of hours each day because boss used to make comments in a really sour tone such as 'must be nice to go home at 4' if I went at my normal time (which he had agreed incidentally) so work 8-5-6 without lunch break. Well lunch is my choice mostly as nothing to do around the area and I am too busy mostly but still, realise it's my choice on that front.

Thing is this I feel really invisible and totally insignificant by now and am seriously considering saying something.

Have put this here because yet again I'm walking on eggshells around a moody bloke, too scared to upset him.

It's a really small company so can't talk to anyone really (HR consists of one elderly bloke who also does the accounts and wages) so can't really turn there.

Really feels like the whole walking on eggshells is an issue haunting me and I need to face it head on once and for all.

Boss is perfectly pleasant to the other people on the floor so I wonder if he is the way he is with me because he knows he can get away with it because I hate feeling like a pain in the arse, can be shut up very easily and can't really take my grievances anywhere?

Just for the record, I do a lot of work and I do it quickly and quietly (well, mostly :)) so it's not like I'm a slacker or anything (in case anyonwe thinks I might be a total dead weight and the boss knows it I mean)

Any ideas on how I can let his moods affect me less and recover a sense of worth here would be very gratefully received :)

[BibiBlocksberg]

Pickgo - that made me laugh - opera standard sighing!

No to my shame I didn't take a lunch break today - only me and boss in and he took his full hour which happens very rarely.

NOT a fecking word out of him today - it's like working in a funeral home when it's like that - you can hear the wallclock ticking FFS.

Puts me in a weird drowsy stupor in the end, hard to describe.

Horrible.

[Fairenuff]

Bibi you must have the patience of a saint to work under those conditions. What a knob.

You are contracted to work your agreed hours for your agreed pay so let the big bad wolf huff and puff as much as he likes.

Take your holidays and I hope it does put him in a Mood. In fact you should talk about it for two weeks before and two weeks after just to really annoy him.

Take your lunch break and leave on time.

If you had been offered the job under these conditions - we expect you to miss lunch, work overtime everyday and not get paid for it, not have any holiday time and be ignored or moaned at by the boss when/if he feels like talking to you - would you have accepted the job?

[pickgo]

Well at least you had an hour without him and can look forward to his time off. But next week when he's back just get up at lunchtime and go for at least half an hour.
You'll feel better for it honestly and he'll start to get the hint that you can't be walked over.

[BibiBlocksberg]

Yes I would have accepted Fairenuff - had been out of work for a year and was desperate back then :)

I'm just pondering this whole situation - it's always bothered me the moods etc but more now. Think it must be next on my list - first the smoking went then the nightmare partner of 10 years and it seems to be the turn of my job to have a spotlight shone on it.

Think what bothers me the most is the fact that I just don't get spoken to about anything and as a consequence have been feeling invisible for quite a while.

Used to think it was a good thing not to have someone looking over my shoulder but this is taking it to the other extreme.

Beginning to feel much better and calmer about working my normal hours again having been able to talk about it here.

That's the other thing about such a tiny team - no one else to have a moan with/ talk stuff through with so easy to lose perspective I guess.

[BBwannaB]

Bibi you really need to look after yourself, this kind of stress can make you very ill and unhappy over time. Taking a lunchbreak is a really imoportant first step, get out of the office and have a walk. All you need to say as you head out is 'I'm taking a short break', no need to justify yourself. Please tell us tomorrow that you have taken a lunch break.

[BibiBlocksberg]

BBWannabe - thanks for caring and confirm I will def take a break for lunch tomorrow :)

[Bohica]

Take your lunch break Bibi!!!

I wouldn't call leaving on time flouncing out of the office, I make sure that I start to wind projects down when near my finish time & then that still leaves me with time to deal with other things (locking up cabinets etc) before leaving on time.

As I said before, I have to leave at 2.30 to be able to collect the children from school & after all, I'm only being paid for those hours.

I'm gaining lot's of tips from your thread, especially about people earning your friendship. I'm only answerable to the franchise manager who is never on site & being so new with very little support in a demanding role is very daunting!

[BibiBlocksberg]

Well, managed to take lunch today, go me :)

Just need to jot down what follows as i feel a bit as if I'm going a bit mad so feel free to ignore.

Boss was out of the office until 4pm today.
Came back, walks in, face like a slapped arse, totally blanks me but says hello to the woman who sits behind him.

I start telling him about a form I had to leave on his desk - he totally ignores me.

I retreat, cue lots of loud sighing, mouse bashing etc.

Then half an hour later he starts talking to me all normal, laughing away etc.

can't decide if it's me or not. I'm being silly aren't I - if he had a problem with me he wouldn't suddenly decide to be normal would he?

A big part of me is thinking 'oh, grow up Bibi and ignore him' and I always used to its just this week it's really unsettling me.

Going to start looking around i think, there was a lovely atmosphere in the office (banter, laughter, very relaxed) but as soon as boss was back it was like a graveyard again.

[MortaIWombat]

Yes, it's him, not you. Find a new job if you can. And NO staying late/missing your lunch break because of this twat.

[pickgo]

Great BB on going out for lunch. Now get your hols booked for the DCs school hols period!

I think you're very wise to look around for something else - and you've inspired me, I might just join you on the new job search!

[BibiBlocksberg]

Thanks for replies - think ive been through every emotion possible this evening.

I do find it very strange how little care and interest is going around my minute team.

I spend more time at work than anywhere else yet im required to pretend I'm some kind of automaton who doesn't need the most basic of courtesies.

I don't think so, well not any more anyway!! Fuck em, bring it on i say (with vino in me :)) more than likely be a different story in the morning.

[Katisha]

Bibi I was really struck by the point there about not getting the basic courtesies. It's like the threads we see on relationships where people get into ruts of treating people badly, and the abused partner doesn't realise things should be any different.

I'm really pleased you have woken up to this behaviour from your boss, which is totally unacceptable, particularly as there is such a small team. It wouldn't be so bad in a big office where you would have other people, but your situation sounds deeply unpleasant.

In an ideal world you would confront him with that very statement next time he blanks you. But if you can't do that yet, it may be that if you demonstrably change, he may get the picture. I have read on relationships threads of DHs and DPs admitting they treated their partners like that "because they could". So you do need to stop enabling this from him.

In the meantime, have you looked into any assertiveness type stuff?
Like this although some of the links don't seem to work.

Another one

[ImperialBlether]

Just out of interest, what does he say when he goes off for his lunch break? I would do what he does. If he says nothing, say nothing yourself.

I think if you speak to him and he doesn't respond, you need to do something immediately about it. Don't stand over him if he's at his desk, draw up a chair and say, "Is something the matter? I've just spoken to you and you didn't respond." Do it every single time he ignores you.

He sounds incredibly rude. Is he married? If so, bet your life his poor wife is on the Relationships section now.

[BibiBlocksberg]

Hello Katisha, lovely to see you, hope you're well and happy :)

Thank you for the links and what you've said re 'because he can' effectively.

The mood is still 'toys out of pram' and ignoring this morning but I've reached the stage where I just don't care anymore.

Telling myself it's not my job to figure out what's upset him or why, all I know is it's not normal and I don't deserve it.

Here goes another day of convent like silence :)

[Katisha]

Yes all fine here thanks! Just procrastinating as I am working at home today...

As an interim measure, how about bringing an iPod in and listening to stuff on headphones - would stop the clock ticking so loudly. And may also send a message...Can you get the radio on your computer headphones as you work?

[BibiBlocksberg]

"Don't stand over him if he's at his desk, draw up a chair and say, "Is something the matter? I've just spoken to you and you didn't respond."



Dear god, I really am very lilly livered aren't I....(don't answer that :))

"He sounds incredibly rude. Is he married?" - no, his fiance won't set a date - wonder why?

Forgot to add - asked another one of the 'away team' yesterday if all went ok. Apparantely Boss man was in a bad mood when he got back because he was tired.

FFS - sounds like a Toddler doesn't it really.

[BibiBlocksberg]

x posted there Katisha - yes I can get the radio etc trouble is no one other than myself answers the phone on my floor so it's just got too much of a pain to have to keep turning things down, taking out headphones etc.

Sounds like an excuse and it is I suppose - just can't relax when I know I need to be listening to the person on the phone properly any second.

[Katisha]

WHy does no-one else answer the phone? Is it your job, or do they just think it is?

[HappyDoll]

Bibi Has it ever dawned on you that this man is there to manage you ? His job is to do what it takes to get the best out of you.
He is failing. You are unmotivated, your morale is low and I can't imagine what your productivity is like with those long hours and lack of adequate breaks.
I'll say it again, he is failing.
What you need to do is reframe this whole situation. It is not your place to bow and scrape to him, you are part of a team that is being led by him. He is serving you and the company - such is the joy of middle management. His behaviour is unprofessional and you should feel nothing but pity for him as he is clearly not very good at his job.
Do you have objectives in place? If you have it written down what is expected of you, he has to acknowledge when you achieve that (and if you have to take the harumph as a well done, so be it, sulky git!). Also, if you are picking up the part timers work, the only way to have that documented is through objectives and regular reviews.
HTH

[Katisha]

Doesn't sound like Bibi's workplace has proper procedures in place though. And unlikely to get them.

I still think you should look into joining a union as you apparently have no place to turn should things come to grievance etc.

[BibiBlocksberg]

You writing that is a real comfort Katisha - I have been thinking that I have lost all sight of what is normal and expected of those supposed to manage me.

I've been doing this job for nearly two years to the day with the same set-up, conditions etc so yes very muddled in what my rights are etc.

It just never gets talked about and when I have had meetings with Boss Man I just find him even more intimidating. He sort of talks normally to me until it's my turn to say something and then he just looks at me silently (and darkly I call it, can't think of another word for it) - and to my shame I usually just shut up then.

"WHy does no-one else answer the phone? Is it your job, or do they just think it is?"

They think it is, because I've made a rod for my own back by being too quick and efficient in that area plus a good 98% of calls are for me anyway so pointless waiting for someone to put the call through to me when i could have just picked it up to start with.

"as you apparently have no place to turn should things come to grievance etc"

That's exactly right and it's pants, just adds to the feeling of isolation really.

Must get my CV updated and get going again, god knows I've got enough holiday saved up to attend interviews :)

[BibiBlocksberg]

Sorry - eyes not working properly - thank you for what you wrote HappyDoll re. there to manage me

[Katisha]

It's 13.35. I hope you are At Lunch!

[HappyDoll]

I was ME I said it - god you never give me any credit, I work so hard to dispense thoughtful advice and then you go and thank someone else, I've had it, I'm filing a greivance - I'll take this all the way to tribunal, I don't care.

That's how you do it!

[HappyDoll]

If he's going to stare darkly at you, you may as well give him someone to stare darkly at!