Dealing with moody men in all walks of life

[BibiBlocksberg]

Hello, I really hope you'll forgive me for putting this here but even though my topic is work related I think it will make sense to people in this section and all my MN friends are here and and and

Basically I work in a very small team consisting of me, my boss and a part-time person who started in April but has mainly been off sick since then (sounds bitchy but just saying because its true and relevant)

Thing is my boss is a very moody sort of person and if anyone makes a mistake (another department, me, etc) he gets into a really shitty mood and does 'angry typing' for hours,slams his mouse, sighs etc.

If I ask him a question I get a reluctant answer in a 'FFS' tone of voice so I prefer not to ask him anything if I can help it.

Since it's usually really quiet on the floor (7 people in total on big office floor) and in the team, I will occasionally try to make conversation which is mostly met with a puzzled stare and then boss turns back to his monitor without saying anything.

If he is having a conversation with me he makes it perfectly clear when it's over because again he will turn back to his PC while I'm still talking to him and just blank me. Stupid me just shuts up, sits down and feels like a total pain in the arse for having said anything

Just to demonstrate what a sap I really am, I tend to work an extra couple of hours each day because boss used to make comments in a really sour tone such as 'must be nice to go home at 4' if I went at my normal time (which he had agreed incidentally) so work 8-5-6 without lunch break. Well lunch is my choice mostly as nothing to do around the area and I am too busy mostly but still, realise it's my choice on that front.

Thing is this I feel really invisible and totally insignificant by now and am seriously considering saying something.

Have put this here because yet again I'm walking on eggshells around a moody bloke, too scared to upset him.

It's a really small company so can't talk to anyone really (HR consists of one elderly bloke who also does the accounts and wages) so can't really turn there.

Really feels like the whole walking on eggshells is an issue haunting me and I need to face it head on once and for all.

Boss is perfectly pleasant to the other people on the floor so I wonder if he is the way he is with me because he knows he can get away with it because I hate feeling like a pain in the arse, can be shut up very easily and can't really take my grievances anywhere?

Just for the record, I do a lot of work and I do it quickly and quietly (well, mostly :)) so it's not like I'm a slacker or anything (in case anyonwe thinks I might be a total dead weight and the boss knows it I mean)

Any ideas on how I can let his moods affect me less and recover a sense of worth here would be very gratefully received :)

[pickgo]

I meant HE has to earn YOUR friendliness!

Hmmm... wonder why his gf won't set a date? Too busy running away fast if she's got any sense!

I think you've got the measure of this man now haven't you OP? You've just got to gradually change the way you are going along with his disrespectful and unprofessional manner. So start with the lunch hour + hols, then after work hours.

Go on start tomorrow and come back and let us know how you felt about it!

[HerHissyness]

Honey, you were at the very least dominated by your X, and you are being dominated by a man, who if he were your partner, we could call him an abuser.

I think you ought to look for work somewhere else.

I think you need to book a holiday. The one YOU want to book, and bugger his moods.

With an abusive partner you only get recourse when they get violent, or if you can prove they are being abusive.

In the work scenario, you have more statutory rights! You have a right to lunch, to a holiday, to being spoken to in a civil manner.

I worry that you are still stuck in that behaviour your learnt in your ex-p relationship.

You are not responsible for their moods, they are. Come on, you can do this.

[BibiBlocksberg]

WHAT is going on with this site lately - just lost the second post of the night!!

Never mind, it only contained more examples of the ways I let myself be used so not really relevant.

Hello Hissy, lovely to see you!

I just think Turquoise is right and that wherever I work there will be somebody who tries to rule and bully and I need to learn to not let other peoples huffing and puffing and bad moods affect me so much.

I mean I'm sad enough to end up with a ruined evening if Mr bossman is in a mood with me if I leave on time and am away on holiday at the moment so that's one reason I don't go through with it.

Can't help it, I'll be doing something, anything but I'll keep harking back to how much inconvenience I'll have caused by my not doing the usual load and it keeps going round and round making me feel guilty.

Just explaining s'all :)

[BitOfFun]

What were your parents like with you growing up?

[BibiBlocksberg]

I know I know, this won't really add anything but it will make me feel better.

The part-time person and the boss are close friends and she is currently on her 8th time off sick since the 14th April and I get to listen to the both of them laughing and joking about it on the phone while gullible here does all the work.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh - anyone remember that episode/scene from Blackadder Goes Forth where Capn' Blackadder ends up shouting 'Muuuuuug' at Baldrick in utter frustration?

That's me :) Muuuuuuuuggggg!!!

Off to have that tattooed on my forehead tomorrow morning!

[BibiBlocksberg]

"What were your parents like with you growing up?"

crikey BitOfFun, to tell that story would take all night - real parents were psychotic to say the least and raised me to always feel guilty for not meeting someones elses expectations/fixing their moods etc, later sets of Foster Parents not an awful lot different really.

Which carries on to this day, evidently

[BitOfFun]

So would you say you have grown up to be a people-pleaser?

I'm wondering if some counselling would help you find your spine? Because it really doesn't have to be like this. It sounds like your terror of disapproval is really holding you back in life.

[BibiBlocksberg]

"sounds like your terror of disapproval is really holding you back in life"

Terror sounds about the right word BitOfFun. I did have a years worth of counselling but that was before my relationship breaking up so probably worth going back now.

I do ask myself what exactly IS so bad about people being pissed off with me and I can't really answer it.

I guess it's the undercurrent of knowing someone is pissed off with me, not knowing why, not having any means of finding out and dreading it all piling up somewhere to culimanate in a big 'let me tell you why you're a terrible person' type of meeting.

Which has only happened twice in my entire life and both times I rejected the messages coming towards me entirely.

Mmh, living in dread of possible perceived but likely to never happen life scenarious.

[BibiBlocksberg]

*culminate even

[ContraryMartha]

Sympathies.

I too have a difficult boss.
I put everything in email now rather than try to talk to him.

I would email him your holiday dates. And ignore, ignore, ignore.
Also, are you allowed to have the radio on at work so you don't have to hear sighing, slamming and assorted hissiness?

[Saffysmum]

I haven't read all the posts, so this may have been covered OP, but do you have a contract?

The law states that you must have a break after so long worked (think it's something like half an hour in every six, but might be wrong). I'm a nurse, and even if we're rushed off our feet, we still have to have a break, just 15 minutes. We also get a half hour at least in the middle of an eight hour shift. When I work 12 hours, I get 2 15 minute breaks and an hour to be split when I need it.

There are unions that cover your type of work too - every employer has the right to a union.

I think that your eagerness to please this guy stems from over-critical parents; you were brought up to think that whatever you did, it wasn't enough. So you're overcompensating.

Stick to your hours. Email him if necessary, and tell him that personal reasons dictate that from now on you will adhere strictly to your terms of employment. Don't apologise, don't explain.

Good luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Bibi

Not at all surprised frankly to read that your parents were dysfunctional.

You learnt damaging lessons as a child from your dysfunctional toxic parents and subsequent foster parents. One of the many and highly damaging lessons you've learnt is that you are made to feel responsible for other people's moods. You also learnt from these damaged people that you don't really matter (hence all the self depreciation in your posts, you really do put yourself down all the time) and that you were only put here to serve and or try to please them. Of course you are not responsible for their moods but you do not at heart believe that and that is why you end up in abusive relationships and manipulative crappy work type situations as that is only what you know.

You're still trying to fix men's moods (I can imagine that all the men you've come across were like this and thinking that its all your fault for them acting like this). You were groomed as a child and conditioned to accept all this as somehow your fault and "normal". It is not your fault that they acted like this, it is they who abjectly failed you. Their damaging legacy towards you does indeed continue to this day but you can break the cycle, you really can reclaim your life back.

I worked for a man who acted like a complete and utter shite towards me and his fellow employees (shouting etc); I left and felt a lot happier for doing so. I think you should seek alternative employment.

Unless you start to properly unlearn all the rubbish you were taught by your abusive parents as a child you will likely continue to carry on in the same vein. You need counselling to unravel all this, you cannot even begin to unravel all this rubbish on your own. It will be a painful process for you but it needs to be done.

BACP have a list of counsellors in your area and they won't charge the earth.
I would suggest you restart counselling and asap.

[BibiBlocksberg]

Morning everyone, just having a quick MN with my coffee before returning to moody towers :)

Thank you all for taking the time to post. Realised this am that the thought of anyone needing to earn MY friendliness is an alien concept. it's like I'm still stuck in the middle ages - boss figure automatically means im required to bow and scrape to them (in my mind anyway)

Also still find it very difficult to wrap my head around the fact that some people are only too happy to manipulate and take full advantage of a mindset like mine.

Agree with every word of yours (as usual) Attila - time to do some more digging into my past I think.

I did used to have the radio on very quietly (boss said ok to this) trouble was it caused some jealousy with staff on another floor and different department whose boss doesn't allow music so was told to stop doing it.

Anyway, must dash, god forbid anyone should think I'm late or not coming in today :)

[HerHissyness]

Are you certain about the other staff on the other floor and the radio?

If that came from MoodySod, tbh, I'd disbelieve it.

You have some great techniques here Bibi, take a deep breath and Please YOURSELF first.

By the sound of it love, you are well overdue being in first place in your life!

Atilla is awesome!

((HUGS))

[slug]

I have a friend with the boss from hell who has similar issues. Together we practised her strategies. The lunch one she overcame by simply not asking or telling her boss she was going. She simply stood up and walked out without mentioning anything. We suspect her boss thought she was going to the toilet, only to have her return 30 minutes later.

The leaving after your contracted hours one is a bit more difficult. The only answer to the "'must be nice to go home at 4" comment is to answer "Well, that's all you pay me for".

As for the huffing and angry typing, one way to deal with it is to treat him like a tantrumming toddler. Ignore, or make a pointed comment about coming back to talk to him when he decides to act like an adult, all done in your most reasonable mummy voice of course. This one takes a while to work up the courage to do admittedly. The friend has only just, 4 months down the line, managed to do this.

[BibiBlocksberg]

"By the sound of it love, you are well overdue being in first place in your life!"

I like the idea of that, being 1st in my own life for a change :)

Slug - at this moment in time I am horrified to think that there are people out there saying things like 'that's all you pay me for' and 'come back to me when you decide to act like an adult'

Insubordination of the highest order is what my tiny brain is screaming.

And I'm only half joking.....really great that you've been able to help your friend with such concrete ideas though.

The lunch suggestion is certainly very do-able so will adopt that straightaway I think.

[Saffysmum]

Hope you don't respond to this because you're out to lunch Bibi (winks)

[RudeEnglishLady]

Hello again Bibi

If 'thats all you pay me for' sounds a bit outrageous to you maybe you could agree 'yes it is nice and I'm glad thats the hours I'm contracted for, it is one of the reasons I value working here'. If he grumps further then ask him if there is a specific task he would like you to perform this evening - I bet he won't have one but if he did then it puts extra time as a thing that is to be requested and not a right.

I must admit I wouldn't be prancing out of work every night at 4pm (except on Fridays!) but I certainly wouldn't be staying past 5 unless it was mega-serious and I'd make sure it was a big deal.

Stop being nice to him - he's got to earn your smiles and interest. Just be pleasant and polite. I think there are dickheads like this in all firms so I would learn how to deal with this (quite mild sounding) dickhead before seeking pastures new!

[BibiBlocksberg]

"I must admit I wouldn't be prancing out of work every night at 4pm"

Well yes, quite, there's always an element of ten mins either side of the day which is mostly essential to finish a last call/e-mail/letter and often considered 'polite' by the employer.

Running out of the door on the dot is def. very frowned upon here as well.

Bit cheeky really since these companies are effectively saying they are entitled to free time every day from every employee but that's a complete other story.

Doesnt' help that Mr Bossman often sits here until 7pm but then he doesn't start til later in the morning and gets paid a heap more than I do (as one of my friends keeps pointing out)

Waffling now, have def. taken on the 'let him earn your smiles and interest' already (so no rebuked attempts at chit chat so far today)

Although it's all sweetness and light from him today - turns out he's not here tomorrow and for two days next week. Knew there was a reason.

So transparent really, aren't they......

[Saffysmum]

Sorry, but if I've worked my contracted hours efficiently and well, then I have no qualms about "prancing out" of my job when my shift is over! Of course we all do a little bit extra here and there, but you're being exploited girl! So keep taking small steps and stand up for yourself.

Throw a sickie....go on, dare yah!

[BibiBlocksberg]

"Throw a sickie....go on, dare yah!"

That is FUNNY - I have been daring myself for that for ages but too chicken so far

Mind you, in light of the three weeks off with Diarrhea some people around here have had off in the last couple of months I do wonder why I keep turning up every day like clockwork.

[Saffysmum]

Go on then, keep running to the loo and complain loudly of tummy ache this afternoon - then have a long weekend (yes, I know, I'm very naughty...)

[BibiBlocksberg]

gawd, I remember seeing an AIBU thread once about someone thinking about taking a sickie.

Ton of bricks doesn't even come close to what the OP got :)

[pickgo]

Bibi Did you take a lunch hour today?
A lunch half hour?

Do you think the lack of tantrums today might have something to do with your no friendliness policy?

BTW - the reason I originally read this thread is that my boss can be a prize tantrumer/drama queen when in the mood (quite often).
He slammed down the phone so much the handset actually broke (he said it was the wiring!)! And he sighs so fulsomely you'd think he was in an opera!

A few years ago now he started shouting at a colleague who I could see was almost in tears. I asked him for a word outside the office and told him I was concerned that if he was called on his behaviour it would be regarded as bullying at a tribunal and that if required I would give my opinion that that's what it was. He's been much better since, took a few attempts but he doesn't shout at people in the office anymore.... just down the phone at others! Last week someone told me they would only deal with me from now on - it was very embarrassing but I know why they said it.

It can be quite stressful working this overgrown toddler but I love the rest of my job. Once I'd made it clear that I wasn't going to put up with it he has got better. Of course I'm 'awkward' and 'difficult' and I do worry about what kind of reference I'd get.

[Saffysmum]

LOL Bibi - if I get bored I might pop over to AIBU and start a thread "I'm throwing a sickie tomorrow!"