He's gone and I feel dead

[Gotitwrong]

posted before......now he has packed his bags and gone and I feel dead. I feel exhausted. Feel terrible for the kids and feel sorry for husband but he needed to go, to give me space as I feel like I am going mad!
Just read the Lundy Bancroft book......how could I have not seen what he is ? Been together nearly 30 years since I was 16.......he has always been hard work but really came into his own after dc 3.
Reached breaking point. Sick of being told what a crap wife I am. Sick of being constantly put down and criticised. Sick of being told I am an adopted cripple. Sick of him constantly calling me names and still wanting sex. Sick of him being physically agressive but you know what makes it worse?
Denial....he has not said these things. He has not physically hurt me. He has not sexually mistreated me. I am mad, it's all in my head. He's the victim in this . All he ever wanted was love!!!!!
All I want is some peace for me and my poor children. I must get it. I must be strong!

Your brother is right GotIt, at the moment the turmoil is upsetting and it is all too easy to be scared and slip back into the relationship as the immediate future seems daunting, but it is actually a small price to pay for the longer term happiness and stability that you and the DC's deserve.

To a certain extent it is like giving birth..... you have to push really hard past the painful bit to get to your new life, you might want to give up but focus on the determination to make things better for you and your DC's and you start to see life improving.

Lots on MN hands to squeeze through the hard bits, but it gets better and it is like suddenly breathing fresh air after being in smog.

Take care xx

oh god i really do feel sick. H came round this morning as he has to look after children while i go to work. I was in the bedroom getting ready and he came upstairs and cuddled me and tried to kiss me and kept saying I love you, I love you, I am so sorry for what i have done....i miss you please let me come back....
i was frozen to the spot and could not cuddle him or kiss him or even look at him. he kept saying what is all this about? what is the matter? i have said i am sorry just stop living in the past and lets move forward.....
i just kept saying please stop, i cant talk about this any more - i have told you how i feel etc etc......and then i started to cry and shake.....
am at work now feeling so dead again and sad........
why cant i just get over it? why cant i just move on and love him again?
Feel so sad and guilty too - he is in so much pain....i feel such a bitch

Oh lovely (( )), you are NOT a bitch.

It is part of the process of him continuing the manipulation because if he did indeed respect you he would back and give you and the relationship a chance to breathe.

The 'putting things in the past' thing is such a line. And it doesn't acknowledge the damage that has been done. Because< however much he is hurting, and whatever he has done, he will be, a mature adult would still step back and stop putting pressure on.

And I know it is so so hard.

2 yrs on and my ex still tells me how much he loves me and wants to be back as part of the family, and he is so sweet and considerate, but if I remind him he had agreed to give up drinking seek help for that and his anger management issues, a flip is switched and we revert to the man who destroyed what we had. If I challenge his behaviour, actions or what and how he yyalks to the kids, he becomes controlling and uncooperative.

I don't know why but it is in these men's natures to try and keep changing tactics to get what they want.
I have to go but am with you in thoughts and please try and stay strong xx

FFS, gotitwrong - you really HAVE got it wrong at the moment. He is PLAYING you like a violin - of COURSE he wants you to forget about the past and move on - taht way he gets away with it all and has a free pass to continue exactly the same way as he did before!!

You said you "could not cuddle him or kiss him or even look at him" - does this not give you a hint?! your body is telling you what your brain is refusing to accept - YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM.

YOU are not a bitch - HE is not in pain - HE is causing YOU pain because HE IS A BASTARD.

didnt go to family bar-b-q yesterday - couldnt face it.......H took kids.......holiday looming :-(
He wont NOT GO - I DO NOT WANT to go as cannot face being with him for 2 weeks......what the f**k am I going to do????
Kids so want to go I just cannot say that they cant go - guess I am going to have to sit down and tell them that I am not going but feel sick about this - not seeing them for 2 weeks!!!!
H keeps telling me to pull myself together for the sake of the children to just stop being silly, to get some help and move on as a family..........I keep telling him that I am sorry I do not love you anymore it is as simple as that!

Gotit: when you make a decision, I promise you will feel better.

You don't want to go, don't go.

You don't want the kids to go, they don't go. Under the circumstances, you need them with you. It is as simple as that. Tell them you will take them on a special holiday another time, but this is an extraordinary situation.

It teaches them that 'shit happens' and sometimes things go wrong, this is a very important lesson in life.

You don't want to move on past this, you don't have to.

These are all YOUR shots to call. He wants to sweep it all under the carpet and he doesn't have the right to insist on it.

The kids don't yet know that you aren't going. See how they feel about it if you tell them that you're not going - you might find they decide they don't want to go either.

DO NOT GO. If you don't want to, then don't. And as for your H's smartarse remarks, tell him to go to hell.
"pull yourself together and stop being silly" indeed - as though you're having some kind of tantrum! Fucking knob.
Get some help - yes, from a divorce lawyer!
and move on as a family - yes, without him.

He is showing you total disrespect. He is belittling you and your feelings. He is choosing to ignore what you are trying to tell him because he still thinks he can control you. He is using emotional blackmail in the shape of the children ("for the sake of the children").