He's gone and I feel dead

[Gotitwrong]

posted before......now he has packed his bags and gone and I feel dead. I feel exhausted. Feel terrible for the kids and feel sorry for husband but he needed to go, to give me space as I feel like I am going mad!
Just read the Lundy Bancroft book......how could I have not seen what he is ? Been together nearly 30 years since I was 16.......he has always been hard work but really came into his own after dc 3.
Reached breaking point. Sick of being told what a crap wife I am. Sick of being constantly put down and criticised. Sick of being told I am an adopted cripple. Sick of him constantly calling me names and still wanting sex. Sick of him being physically agressive but you know what makes it worse?
Denial....he has not said these things. He has not physically hurt me. He has not sexually mistreated me. I am mad, it's all in my head. He's the victim in this . All he ever wanted was love!!!!!
All I want is some peace for me and my poor children. I must get it. I must be strong!

Don't go on the holiday. whatever you do don't go. The decisions you are making are more important that 2 weeks in the sun. You can go wherever you like with them, without going away with someone who has an agenda to harm you.

Pull out. I beg you. PULL OUT.

Go on the holiday with your kids and the other family

He has left you hasn't he ?

Why on earth would he come on a 2 week holiday with you, or more to the point, that he has a right to ?

Do you think you can get him to back out of the holiday?
Have you told these friends that you've separated? If not, do so immediately. They may be able to help persuade him that he'd be better off cancelling if he proves resistant - but even if not, you still owe it to them to warn them of the situation ASAP.

If your H is money-driven, tell him that him not going would waste less money than you and the DC not going - unless you were considering letting them go with him on his own? Which I wouldn't, tbh.

(Thanks, btw - I quite like my name too! )

tw, I would just be removing him from the ticketing, simple as

he has left Op

he doesn't get to come on family holidays, any more

that should focus his tiny mind

he is a Mcdonalds daddy now, best he realises that

I guess you're right, TFSOF - i have to admit I've never booked a family holiday so wouldn't know that you could do that! Would either party be able to, or only the one who actually booked it?

the lead person who booked it, if all booked together

I tend to book our holidays

only a true monster would insist on coming along though, and if that were the case, then OP would just have to pull out herself, I suppose

firstly he told me that he is going on the holiday as he needs a break....then he told the children that I wasn't coming and he told me that I wasn't coming!!
Now says he said that in anger and that he wants me to come and that we can have seperate bedrooms and that he thinks it will be good for us all to be together!
I want to be with the kids but cant bear the thought of being with him for 2 weeks. Although I feel dead I feel calm and at peace and the atmosphere at home is lovely. The tension has gone and there is laughter once again.
I have been putting the children though a living hell as I have been so angry and sad for such a long time. I had lost the real me. The real me is loving and kind and I was devoted to my H and my children and my family life.

Only now that I have been on my own for just three days can I truely see how my unhappiness has been affecting the children. If I go on holiday with them then I know I will be miserable and sad and withdrawn and the children will notice and not have a nice time.
maybe it is best if i stay at home. he is a good dad and although they are all very confused with what is going on they do love him and i have no doubts that that they will have a lovely time with him but not such a lovely time if i go

OP - you need this holiday more than he does. He's treated you terribly, you said he called you an "adopted cripple" in your OP, that's foul. You've already said how things are better at home without him after just three days, and there is laughter in the house again. I can relate to that, same happened when my ex went - the atmosphere instantly changed for the better.

Is there anyway at all you could go with the kids, and he not go?? Personally, although you say he's a good dad, I think that if you can't go with the kids, you should keep the kids at home with you because you need each other. Unless they would prefer to go with him without you rather than miss the holiday. Hard call I know. But do all you can to try to go with kids and without him.

Tell him to "Fuck OFF"

You are not going and the kids are not going. That is it!

Stay home, have a UK holiday with your DC, and have fun. Call the other couple and tell them exactly why you are not going, tell them he is abusive and has bullied you for years and that now you have re-claimed your life.

I took my DS to North wales last year for a week, it rained pretty much every day, it was FREEZING, but we had none of the tension, we got to spend really great one-to-one time together and it was just the best time EVER!

Put yourself and your DC first, why does an abusive bully get to tip you out of the equation, but get to gloat in the glory of taking the DC on a holiday abroad?

Remove the rug from under his feet. Whatever he wants you to do, do the opposite. RESIST any and every attempt for him to set the agenda. Upset the apple cart as often as you can. Make him squirm, embarrass the shit out of him and tell EVERYONE about his abuse of you.

Gloves OFF now love, time to go to war!

I too wouldn't want him to take the DCs away for 2 weeks. It's too confusing for them when he's just left and you trying to establish a new life.

Who are the other couple? Will they support you - or want him with them on his own?

Can you afford to take DCs away yourself? Could you borrow any money to do so? GPs?

As for all going I'd just totally rule that OUT as an option. No way.

IMO, there are two and only two options re. the holiday

1. you go with the kids, he is not coming

2. you and the kids don't go...whether he goes or not is of no interest to you in this scenario

hi, I am in your very situation right now. I told my H to leave on sunday after a weekend of verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. the final straw cam when my 12 yr old ds stuck up for me when H said something sarcastic to my daughter about me. he then had a go at him and was nasty.
I then went to get my bottle of wine to see that he had put chilli flakes in it!!!!!!. I told him to get out. he did and then sat in the garden for the evening. he left next day and remains gone. since then ive had txts suggesting hes topped himself, silence, nasty texts, bullying texts and today we are on to the 'I know what I am txts, sorry'.
I just this minute told him our marriage failure is due to his abuse and the nasty txts are back.
I have 5 kids and have been with H for 20 years, also from 16.
I understand completely how you feel, but i know these men never change.
I also am questioning whether it is me, Iknow its not. he tells me I didnt show him enough love. are you sure its not the same man?!!!!
I cant take H back now, my kids will lose respect for me, that is worse than losing him. which proves I am the responsible parent. im getting prepared for a rough ride, when he realises this is it, maybe he will even lose the plot, but I am determined to see this through, maybe you could hold my hand and i'll hold yours through it.

breakaway! Well done!

It's such a shock that last mad spurt they do in panic isn't it? but it proves everything right about them. strengthens your resolve.

Just don't engage at all now. You have said what you needed to say.

have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? it'll really help. It did me!

Can I also recommend the www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1247062-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-2 thread

breakaway - well done for making the break and for your determination! And for realising that your DC deserve better than this as well. Never mind them losing respect for you (although good point) - their lives will be so much better with him out of the house and not seeing you disrespected all the time.

thanks. I am determined, been here so many tim es before. it has to stop now. I am very angry at myself for letting it go this far. I should have left him when my eldest three were young, but I really loved him then, not sure I do now. I knew the day would come when he would pick on the kids, when they were old enough to stick up for themselves. I used to feel sorry for him, but now I pity him. the last thing I want is for my sons to grow up disrespecting women and my daughters to be in abusive relationships. that would break my heart. I may get stressed and miss him sometimes, because obviously he could be fantastic at times, but I just have to do this now, anyway after someone calls you fat, lazy with a big nose, oh and my breath smells, you really don't feel like getting all cosy with them again!!!!!!!

you did the right thing love. That horrid angry feeling with yourself does go... the Lundy book will help.
I think I may re-read it actually, remind myself that it's not me that did this.

Gotitwrong, I just want to offer some support.
DEfinitely don't let the kids go on holiday with him. He doesn't call the shots anymore.
Start putting your needs first..
be vigilant. These men get nasty when they realize their pretend guilty conscience isn't working. He will up the antse, as Bancroft explains in his book. Be ready for it.

DO NOT LET THE KIDS GO ON HOLIDAY WITH HIM
DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOU'VE READ LUNDY BANCROFT

Breakaway well done.....blimey 5 kids - you are very brave - yes let's help each other....
Yet another wobble I am afraid...feel so guilty about the kids...feel guilty that h is in a b and b and not here with his children!!!!
I couldn't bear not to be with my kids every day so how must he be feeling? Feel sorry for him - maybe he's not that bad after all!
As I type that sentance I know that in my head I feel he is that bad but my heart tells me maybe just maybe he does know how truely awful he has been and maybe he will come back a new man!
Just not sure I want the new him though. I believed that marriage is for life so if he shows me change why do I think that it won't be enough for me? I just feel that too much has been said and done for me to ever forgive him and fall back in love with him

Please, he IS that bad.

It's OK, we all do that! It's so hard to believe that someone we let so close into our circle is capable of such cruelty, and meanness, and out and out evil to us for no other reason than they felt they were entitled to do so.

His feelings don't matter. YOUR feelings didn't matter to HIM for YEARS. If you let him back, he will pick up where he left off and then some.

YOU HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.

What Her Hissyness said ^

You feel sorry for him because you are a decent human being. He isn't. He will never change enough to make up for the 30 years of being a bastard; and he isn't going to change anyway because if you take him back, he has no need to!

gotitwrong- is this the first time youve split? I totally understand how you feel, but from my experience nothing ever changes, maybe temporarirly but not long term. only yesterday I had all the texts saying he knows he has a problem, and is truly sorry, he loves everyone dearly. blah blah.
when he didnt get an opening to come home from me, he immediately reverted to sarcasm and nastiness. he is now withholding money from me.
I dont doubt that he loves me and the kids, but it has to be on his terms, the only person he really cares for is himself.
how old are your children? my 3 eldest are teenagers and they got to the point where they had enough of seeing him behave so immaturely.
would a decent man call his children names when he is telling them off. names like prick, dick, idiot, use your brain, if you have one was another one.
last night I looked at the kids, I have never seen them look so relaxed, they were scared of him, I dont think I realised how much.
I havnt missed him yet, sure I will at times, he could be lovely, but you see you never forget the nasty words, they eat away at you, resentment builds and before you know it you withdraw from them, took me 20 years to get here. do I want to be 60 and still living like this. NO.
I gave my H too many chances, if he really loved us he would have got help the first time he was violent wouldnt he? I do understand your feelings. one day at a time

H came round to see the children tonight....little one in bed but older 2 up (15 and 11)....I didn't have much to say to him really (he only left on Monday).....kids didn't really have much either. Started talking about the dog and h asked how lead got broken.....already told him last week that the dog chewed through the lead when I tied him to a tree when I was in the woods last week but caught up on my phone with a client!!!
H got stroppy with me tonight and kept asking well how did that happen? How did he chew through the lead? I replied well he just did - don't know how but he did. So h then keeps asking same question in a very accusative way and asked my daughter how did it happen knowing full well she wasn't there at the time WTF was that about?

He stormed off saying well obviously your mothers touchy about that subject / more to this than she is admitting.......think I better go she is obviously unhappy about discussing it!!!!!!!!
End result I cry and our pleasant evening is ruined!!!! Stayed with the kids though and my son gave me a lovely cuddle and we laughed and laughed at Miranda on the Telly.....
And he says it's all me!!!!!!!!!!

C'mon, Gotit - he thinks you were having a clandestine meeting with someone in the woods and were "at it", which is why you didn't notice the dog chewing through the lead. He kept at you in the hope that you would break and confess! He obviously doesn't believe your version, so he's made his own up.

Sorry you were upset though - and of COURSE it's not all you.

Yes you are right that is exactly what he was implying.....it's just that he makes me feel physically sick - he goes on and on about whatever it is that has made him cross until I end up believing his twisted version of whatever it is he's got annoyed about if u get what I mean!!!
I have often got so wound up inside that I feel like I am going mad and I even have got to the stage where I feel guilty even though I've not done anything.
Told my mum and brothers today about H leaving and I thought they would all be shocked but they all seemed to say that they weren't surprised and that they knew something wasn't right as I have not seemed happy for years...they said they can't remember seeing me smile or laugh for ages and they all said that they haven't liked H much for a longtime but just didn't want to tell me!
My eldest brother has told me not to even think about getting back with H - says he doesn't deserve me and that I have to put myself first now - made me see that maybe me and the children will be happier on our own