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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

About to phone him and beg down the phone. It's not a good idea is it?

48 replies

Utterlydistraught · 03/07/2011 16:20

have had a shit shit shit couple of days. It comes and goes in waves but I have been inconsolable the last two days. Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of him and I miss him so so so much. I can't bear this searing pain anymore. When does it stop? It's a beautiful day here and we should be enjoying it together as a family. I can't believe he is so cold to me. It's been two months since his decision and it isn't any easier today than then (although not helped that I am currently in the uk with my folks so easy to pretend it's not happening iyswim). I cannot stop crying. I just want it to stop.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 03/07/2011 16:21

What was this decision and why?

Don't pick up the phone when you are distraught, it'll only weaken your position.

Tell us a little more and we'll try and help you unravel stuff a bit.

HerHissyness · 03/07/2011 16:23

No man is worth begging for. Trust me. Wink

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 16:26

Don't don't DON'T!

Talk here, say what you like, but don't pick up the phone!

Original poster
Utterlydistraught · 03/07/2011 16:28

9 years together, married for 6, three young children, live in his country (in which I've never been happy). He needs to be with happy people and no longer loves me. I suspect an ow but he denies it. I am in uk for the summer with the kids ostensibly so we could have some space, but it seems to be so he can long-distance-dump me and not have to deal with the aftermath. I swing wildly from despair to bitterness and back again. I think we've spoken by pm before btw :)

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 16:40

Yes thought I recognised ^.

Don't do it. You know how it'll end, you'll feel like shit and he is so not worth your time and hurt feelings.

You have space now. You can allow yourself to let the emotional stuff do it's job, because it does serve a purpose.

What do you need right now?

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 16:46

will you go back to the other country, or is he happy to not see the kids again

HerHissyness · 03/07/2011 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerHissyness · 03/07/2011 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 16:55

LOL at herhissy.

And I second getting all the relevant support and advice in place pronto.

IME though - I've been within a gnats knees of picking up the phone/writing an email loads of times. But always, always I pull back. Either my DD has threatened to leave if I do (v.v. angry with her D) or I've come on MN and said it. You can guess what posters have said, exactly what we're saying now, and it's so true.

Most times I didn't even know what I wanted to say. That told me I wasn't even sure it was what I wanted. I've now learned there are times when I just need to mourn the good times and these are what I want back - the familiar, the comfortable, the security.

You will have those things OP.

kayah · 03/07/2011 16:57

I can see that he already made up his mind.
Please consult a solicitor what to do in case you want to stay in UK with your children.

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 17:00

Oh what I mean is you will have them in your own right! Blush

Original poster
Utterlydistraught · 03/07/2011 17:01

Thank you very much for the support, but I have asked for some posts to be removed as I feel very vulnerable. It's so hard to discuss this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Utterlydistraught · 03/07/2011 17:10

Yes, I think he already made up his mind before I left. It was at his insistence that I came here and now he is being quite aggressive in wanting to 'discuss the future' (ie dump me) because he has someone in the wings. He is probably waiting to do anything with her until we are officially 'over' so he can say nothing happened until we split, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. He is always the good guy. Being well liked and popular is very important to him. I would say it's the main factor in breaking up our marriage actually as I've always felt that that was more important to him than me or the kids.

OP posts:
aliceliddell · 03/07/2011 17:22

Well, he's not very well liked on here and we've never even met him.

aliceliddell · 03/07/2011 17:22

(Those MN types are a bit biased)

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 17:36

Utterly is his aggression what's behind your desire to make contact? Would you be hoping to appease him in some way?

Original poster
Utterlydistraught · 03/07/2011 17:51

That really made me laugh Alice - thank you!

I don't know wuw. I think it's easy for me to pretend it's not really happening here, so when it makes itself clear that it is, it's like its happening all over again. I think I'm going to be on a repeat cycle until the end of the summer.

I just don't recognise this man. I see his comments on facebook and they are so cheerful and yet he is so cold and bullish with me. How can he be feeling so over it when I am in such despair. Either he's lying to me now (has met somebody else) or was lying to me previously (didn't love me when he said he
did). You don't just switch off overnight do you???

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 03/07/2011 18:11

When you realise you have found the last straw, actually you CAN just switch off overnight.

Find out what's what, so you know where you stand and take the upper hand.
Or else, if you can, make it as bloody hard for him as possible.

Be airy and fluffy and chirpy on the phone, no matter his agression. When he starts getting funny, say "Ooh, sorry, being waved at, got to run. catch ya later byeeeee" and hang up. Every. Time.

Don't let him play with you.

defriend him on FB too.

babyhammock · 03/07/2011 18:25

HerHissy is bang on... you want to sound not bothered to hear from him and not interested in anything he has to say... oh and always act like you're in a hurry to go somewhere with someone more interesting..

And keep thinking 'I was never happy living there anyway, things will only get better'

He sounds like a tosser x

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 19:26

you see what he wants you to see, that's all.

Agree with hissy again. Very important for your self esteem and preservation to act cool on the occasions you must speak with him. You can fall apart afterwards and come here to do that.

He sounds like he's got a low boredom threshold and he'll get tired of it when he realises he isn't getting the response he's looking for.

Get a sol to be the go-between. That way communication is mediated through the legal system.

kayah · 03/07/2011 19:42

Well, to me he behaves like his d**k is rulling him not his brain.

what you have on your side is the time, a bit of it

as you say he wants to rid of you - make him pay for it

the least is the legal document that kids stay with you and he can't say where they live permanently

go to see a good lawyer who specialises in that kind of law

obviously support money are very important too

how are you about money for now?

FabbyChic · 03/07/2011 19:47

He clearly no longer loves you, you cannot force someone to love you, as much as we would like to sometimes.

What you feel is grief for what you have lost, and the grieving process is sometimes very long, but one day in the not too distant future you will start to feel differently.

Maybe it is time for you to be considering a future without him just you and your children, would it be better for that future to be near family and old friends in this country?

Original poster
Utterlydistraught · 03/07/2011 20:03

Yes, it is grief for what is gone. I know he doesn't love me anymore and I don't think he will change his mind. Everyone has the right to end a relationship. I am just so so unhappy. I am trying to get past it. I wish I could either erase my mind of him or fast forward the next two years. I have moments when I feel mad with grief. How long will this last? When will it start to get just a little bit better? I need to fall out of love with him but I don't know how. I wish more than anything that I no longer loved him, it feels unbearable.

OP posts:
IWantWine · 03/07/2011 21:15

ohhhh hey! It will get better. It will.

I have suffered bereavements. Real ones. And Relationship ones. They all hurt! They hurt a lot. But it is true that times heals. It will get better. And sometimes, it helps to just 'wallow'. You have to feel the pain and get find a way through it.

Accepting the hurt might help? I dont know. Everyone is different.

But you will get there in the end! You will... I tell myself everthing happens for a reason. Something better is waiting for you :)

Take care of yourself.

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 21:38

Oh utterly it will get better. Big hugs to you.

And grief is a kind of temporary madness in some ways. All real life seems to stop whilst your internal world takes over. Let it come, let people around you indulge you whilst you need them, and you will need them. I'm 4 months in and I still need to hear someone tell me it's going to be ok. I still need reminding I'm not the loser here. But it gets a bit easier each time it comes back I promise you.

the things that hurt you now won't hurt forever, they'll fade until they're just memories. In the meantime, I found it really helped not to have any contact at all with xh - I don't know if you can achieve that if your DC's are still too young to make their own arrangments, but if they are, there is nthing stopping you asking a trusted friend or relative to act on your behalf (because you're too busy with your new life, of course, he doesn't need to know how painful it is).

God, men like this make me want to spit.