About to phone him and beg down the phone. It's not a good idea is it?

[Utterlydistraught]

have had a shit shit shit couple of days. It comes and goes in waves but I have been inconsolable the last two days. Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of him and I miss him so so so much. I can't bear this searing pain anymore. When does it stop? It's a beautiful day here and we should be enjoying it together as a family. I can't believe he is so cold to me. It's been two months since his decision and it isn't any easier today than then (although not helped that I am currently in the uk with my folks so easy to pretend it's not happening iyswim). I cannot stop crying. I just want it to stop.

OP I just had to say I'm in the same position...wondering if I should call. So I really feel for you, I know how much you must be hurting. I don't really have anything useful to say except you're not alone. Be kind to yourself you deserve to be happy.

utterly,i remember your situation,i dont know if it helps but i remeber feeling exactly like you do now and you know what?I dont anymore,it gets less,it passes by,you find other more important stuff to do,IT IS TEMPORARY there isnt a person alive still grieving for an ex after along period of time and there is such strength in dignity.
Calling him will only make you feel worse,you know you wont hear what you want to. I used to delete the Number when i felt like that,My friends had it in case i needed it for the children.

Arses arses arses. He texted again last night about the future so I spoke to him and it was terrible. Of course he said he hadn't changed his mind and was in fact 'even more certain' than before I came here. Surprise surprise. Howled all night and all day. He wanted to speak to ds tonight and was vaguely more pleasant to me when he did so now I've got The Hope again. It's madness. He does not love me. It is over. My head knows that but my heart won't let go. I am wondering if my subconscious is actually going into denial at some points because I just can't deal with that level of grief for a prolonged period if time.

I can't imagine a future without him. I feel like I'm in hell. I wish I could end this but of course I can't leave the children with that legacy. Please tell me how to get through this, how to let go, that I will get through, that you have been there and done it.

OK, but utterly, living with him like this is making you miserable.

This miserable is only going to get worse, he has no interest in improving things between you.

You don't even like where you are living.

Look at this rationally, cold light of day stuff.

Face the facts, write a list of pros and cons of carrying on as you are, with him cheating on you, while you live somewhere you don't like, or taking a bit of a leap into the unknown where there is at least hope of happiness.

Your old life has no way back to happiness. The sooner you take a deep breath, put yourself first and don't look back, the sooner you will be much, much happier.

The person you loved, no longer exists. You need to love yourself now, put yourself in 1st place, and rise up.

Your children will respect you a lot more when they find out what their dad has done to you and you told him to stick it than you trotting back to a place you loathe to beg for a few crumbs of second-hand attention.

Be strong! Show em how its done!

Take each day as it comes, make no plans for the week ahead, cry as much as you need to, but try hard to remember the bad times, not just the good times.

Remember when you have felt alone and he hasn't been there, remember when he has let you down, when he has been horrible to you.

Time is what you need, it won't take two years, it could take a few months, but by Christmas I promise you you will be stronger and more able to face the future, and may even be laughing again, I guarantee it.

OP, I'm sorry you are in such a sad place. You say that you wish you could fast forward a year or two to a happier place, and I can understand what you mean, but you just have to go through the grieving process for the marriage you once had and the future you thought you had. It's all part of the healing. So be gentle on yourself and go with the flow. Take each day at a time, and accept that it's going to be rough for a while.

I'm nearly three months down the line from ending a 22 year marriage, and I realise when I read threads like yours that I've got off quite lightly in the emotional stakes, I feel nothing but relief and irritation that I stuck it out so long. I should have thrown him out over a year ago. I also realise though that although we physically split in Spring, we actually separated mentally and emotionally over 18 months ago, and I did a lot of my grieving then. And they were really bad times. I was also at the time losing my dear sis to cancer, and am still grieving that loss, and have ok days and awful days regarding that loss. All loss is horrible - but we can't bypass or speed up the process. When you ask how long will you feel like this, all I can say is that you will feel like this for as long as it takes. BUT, it will get easier, I promise.

I think you need to minimise contact as much as possible. You need to get a parent to answer phone from him and then they can put DS on to speak to him. If you have to have contact, make sure it's about the dc and nothing else.

I also think, and this is a biggie - that you are at the mercy of him. What he decides, what he wants. This is wrong. You're his wife and the mother of dc. You need to grab control here, so he doesn't control you and your future any more. So, in a week, or whenever, get some free legal advice, and get a solicitor to write to him to say that you are starting legal separation (or even divorce) proceedings. You will feel better for doing this. It will give you control and make you feel much less vulnerable.

You are hoping against hope that he will have a lightbulb moment and beg you to go back. Honey, he won't. And if he did - then what? You can't erase the hurt he's put you through, you have to accept that this has happened, and nothing will be the same with him again. He's changed, he isn't who you thought he was.

Take care

Hey, i dont have any experience of what your going through at all, but there are some really lovely people who come on here and will be here for you whenever you need someone to have a rant with, hold your hand and just listen to whatever you need to get out.

Are you staying with family over here that know whats going on, if not it may be better to share how your feeling with a family member or friend instead of having it all bottled up to yourself. Once you start telling people i think this may make it seem a bit more "real" and can hopefully help you move forward, Saffysmum is so right, i think your feeling more vulnerable because your waiting for him to make all the decisions for you, once you feel able to start taking control of your life, See a solicitor just to get some advice and see where you stand, Knowledge is power, Its sad to see your life go up in smoke at the expense of someone else but nothing is set in stone, plans change and now this has happened could give you the opportunity to move back to be near your family and friends without this ego maniac tagging behind you making you live in a country you don't like and are not happy in, the fact that he chose to love there knowing how you felt should of been an eye opener but love makes us do crazy things!

You will move on, you will be happy, it just takes time and baby steps to get there but each day your going on your becoming stronger, you don't know it yet but youlll look back in a few months and realise how far you will of come! stay strong and take control of the situation, give him a shock at how strong you are without him, that will be the ultimate revenge trust me! xx

What i fund helpfull is to find someone to talk to, talk abut my hopes but also about all the shit that ha been going on with him. Talking about how distraut I am, how much it hurts.
TBH, I actually fund that friends/family were not the best people to do that with (They were too close and wanted to help me feeling beter too much iyswim wheres I needed to say lots of thngs whitout holding back). So a counsellor was for me, the best erson to talk to.
You know even after one session, it lifted some weight. The pain/prssure i could fel around my heart got easier. And then again after the next one and so on.

It is true that things will get better because things change and that's just part of life.

You will get beetr.

Your children will respect you a lot more when they find out what their dad has done to you and you told him to stick it than you trotting back to a place you loathe to beg for a few crumbs of second-hand attention

Hissy is right and I can vouch for that.

And it is entirely normal to go through stages of denial, I can vouch for that too.
But i think it serves a valuable and protective purpose Utterly. You can't possibly take in all that's happening and accept the reality all at the same time, so your mind allows a bit in at a time and the rest of the time it's a bit of a whirlwind of pain I'm afraid. But it does get better.

Once you've achieved a bit of emotional distance from your H you will begin to see him in a different light altogether. I know I began my recovery like you, completely traumatised and afraid of what he'd do to punish me if I stepped out of line and yet still loving him and hoping he'd come back.

But gradually, as I pieced together the last few years, I recognised how unhappy I had been, never mind him and what ailed him. And that's how I took back the control over the divorce. It still hurt(s) but I am now in charge, and he is floundering around like an idiot - and all his behaviours have become even more obvious with that distance, so it's even easier to detach.

So what i'm saying in a very long-winded way, is it does hurt and it feels like he's the only one who can make it better. But he ain't. He's the reason you're in so much pain. You are the one who can heal yourself from this by getting help and loving yourself. And you will.

Great post Wisey - I second every word of it.

Thanks ladies, your words mean a lot to me. I don't know how I will get through this, but I will. I just want my kids. I'll do my grieving later.

(please don't mention anything I might have said in pm to you).

Not a word.

Just wanted to give you some support utterly, along with all the others on here and their wonderful words of wisdom. I know what your feeling, the pain is just horrific but it does get better with time, IME a lot of time, I'm two years down the line and still hurting but I'm not in that dreadful first stage of complete desolation. I found distance to be my saviour, try and distance yourself from him, I know it goes completely against what your wishing for, I know I would look at my phone, every minute of every hour, every hour of every day, every day of every week, wishing and wishing that he'd text or call. I know your desperate to hear from him but try things one step at a time, try to distance yourself from him, it will help you to gain some control and give you time to get your thoughts together, a bit of time for you and your children.

It is awful, I know. One day at a time, slowly take things as they come and try and get a little comfort out of life. Your children will give you comfort.

Thanks for your support ladies. Just wanted to drop by and let you know that I am feeling a little stronger this week. It's only a faint glimmer every now and then but I have a faint recollection of what my groove is and it might be starting to come back. I feel so much better in England and I am just realising the extent of my isolation and depression over the last five years. Think I might be starting to hit the anger phase of the grief cycle too? In the words of lovely Marilyn:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Chin up, tits out, and strength to you all xx

I am liking the new you Utterly! Told you, it starts to lift in a surprisingly short amount of time!

Wow - i have been lurking on this thread as iam recently going through a seperation, and the change is you is great. You sound so much stronger.

Another one here to tell you it does get better - iam 11 weeks into it now - and if you told me that i would feel this good i wouldnt have believed you.

Chin up

annie
x

I'll third that! Good for you Utterly. Once you get your mojo back there'll be no stopping you

Thanks. I'm realistic and I dontbexpect this feeling to last for long, but the fact that it's appeared at all is a step in the right direction IMO.

All you need is one step at a time, believe me, even baby steps count.

Every day you get through is a day you don't have to go through again, even if you feel like it'll never get better.

When one suffers from depression, it's not unusual to have better days.

Knowing that there HAS been a better day, means that there WILL be another, and another and another.