Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unhappy relationship, so depressed!

28 replies

lovesun · 03/07/2011 07:54

I have been with my oh 3 years, things used to be so good between us, but there has been so much trouble over the last few months and he just goes into his own little world I can't cope anymore.

We don't do anything together anymore, I seem to do everything from cooking, cleaning looking after children, garden,shopping, support him with his problems and issues, sacrificed alot of things. I just don't feel I get anything back, I've tried talking to him but he is just so bad at communicating I get nowhere! The main problem before was we never got any time together due to problems with his teenage dd from another relationship, lately though there has been time for us, but he just disappears at these times and I end up sitting on my own, watching tv or being on the internet. I bored to tell you the truth, and feel totally un loved and like I'm dealing with a closed book, its so frustrating. I think he's quite happy to be in his own little world, but well I don't feel thats fair on me! I've been determined to make this work for the childrens sake, but I just don't know what else to do? I have asked him to leave once before, but he got nasty said some horrible things, so now I just feel trapped, its wearing me down and I need help !!!!

OP posts:
Ganshee · 03/07/2011 08:20

Is there nothing you can do together as a hobby that you'd both enjoy?

3 years isn't really a long time together either - I could understand more perhaps if you'd been together longer. Many relationships can become boring over time and a lot of folk tend to take each other for granted.

As with any marriage, compromise is the issue here. Without compromise and communication, things will certainly begin to take a turn for the worse. From the way you describe your marriage, I can understand the way you are feeling right now and it's certainly no way for you to live.

You obviously both hit it off at one point in your lives - try and bring that spark back into the relationship.

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 08:28

Thanks ganshee, sorry new here we're not married just living together! 3 years is not a long time together and if I 'm feeling like this now imagine another 10 years?

He won't talk to me about it he just goes in a mood, he just seems to have no get up and go in him apart from work and thats it :-(

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2011 08:34

Could we have a slightly fuller picture of your situation, without too many details that might make you identifiable? For example is it your house, his house, a joint house; are they your children, his children, both of yours, some of each? That could make quite a difference to what you can and should do. For instance, if it's his house, or one you bought together, and the children are his as well as yours, it's not surprising he wasn't very impressed at you asking him to leave his home - I said some nasty things too, when my ex-husband told me to leave the house I'd paid for, taking nothing with me but my debts. On the other hand, if he's just what is known on here as a cocklodger (someone who brings nothing to a relationship but his magnificent maleness), you would have every right to tell him to 'op it.

What, basically, does living with him do for you?

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 08:52

Its my house, all in my name, not his children although he's very good with them well when he can be bothered. They like him and are very close to his dd, he pays very little towards anything, towards anything really, though if reminded he will then give me money, but I'm getting fed up of asking. When I asked him to leave last time he said he had rights as he's been living here etc, said some very nasty things, which tbh has stuck in my head, like you want a legal battle I'll give you one, better get a solicitor. Later he said he was just upset and didn't mean any of it, but well the plan was for him to sell his house put our money together so to speak and then get a legal document done as to who owns what, but with everything the way it is, and with what he has said in the past how can I ever do that. I keep hoping it will get better, but I think maybe realistically it probably isn't is it, not unless he will talk to me.

As to your last question what does he do for me, I don't really know, he has sorted out my car when needs stuff or mot, er oh the one nice thing he did lately was we spent a night out and he booked a hotel, that was nice, but we ended up arguing the next day and then its back to normal. Tbh I don't really feel he's much support to me anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 08:53

I can't even call him a cock lodger as there is no sex lately either

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2011 09:03

No, I think you're right there, it won't get better unless both of you want to make it better, and it sounds like you're the only one who gives a damn.

I don't think it's right that you can't get him out because he's been living there - you probably can't chuck him out on the street and I'm sure you wouldn't want to, but that isn't the same as him having the right to stay there indefinitely. You should not be stuck with a former partner for ever because he doesn't feel like moving out! Time to do some research. Citizens Advice is a good starting point, after which it may be time to take your so-called OH's advice and have a word with a solicitor.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2011 09:05

I suppose there is a small chance that realising you feel so strongly about it as to get legal advice to oust him might persuade him to listen to you at last, but I wouldn't hold your breath. When you're upset is the time that a man who cared about you would listen.

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 09:16

Thanks so much, for that link. TBH the way I feel atm I don't want to be with him anymore, unless he dramatically changes, its just facing up to it all I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 09:17

I'm in a relationship and I'm lonely does that make sense ?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2011 09:26

Yes it does, a lot of sense.

Ganshee · 03/07/2011 09:35

Looks like you've answered the question yourself then. Check up on your rights and move on to better things. You obviously don't feel anything for him anymore and he's changed into something you dont want to be with. From what you've been saying it appears he has lost interest as well so, there's nothing really to hold you back. Good luck!

fastweb · 03/07/2011 09:54

When I asked him to leave last time he said he had rights as he's been living here etc

Him saying it does not necessarily make it so.

If I've read correctly, you are not married to him, have no children together and the property is in your name.

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/livingtogether-in-a-nutshell,10010,FP.html

Extract

If your ex owns the home, and there's no other agreement or understanding in place, you will have no automatic right to stay if your ex asks you to leave.

I've heard on this board that you can get a free half an hour consult you can get with a solicitor in the UK. I'd take advantage of that, find out where you stand, if for nothing else to neutralize any notions he has about being irremovable from the home. It might help him let go of the gung ho attitude once he realises he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on.

Paying for a solicitor to ease and speed up the removal procedure (if that is what you want) looks like it could be a sound investment, because you make him sound like a drain on your resources, and in the longer term paying somebody to facilitate his removal might actually end up with you making a saving.

If he gets nasty to the point where you feel intimidated then to be honest I'd call the police. Your children are not obliged to live in a high tension household with untoward behavior carrying on around them simply because he feels his presumed housing rights take precedent over their right to happy and healthy home atmosphere.

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 17:46

Thanks so much for your replies! He wants to talk to sort things out, I don't know if thats possible I really don't, he says we haven't given living together long enough! I don't know whether to give him another chance or not, my gut is saying he won't change!

OP posts:
buzzsore · 03/07/2011 18:05

How long does he expect you to be his skivvy before you've given it long enough?

It doesn't sound like it's living-together teething troubles to me, it sounds like he's basically lazy and entitled.

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 18:25

He's cooked dinner etc, being all nice, but I'm just numb! He's not going to leave without a fight I know!

OP posts:
fastweb · 03/07/2011 18:40

He's not going to leave without a fight I know!

Then given you hands are tied to some extent because you have to keep things fairly calm for the sake of the kids, do go to CAB or solicitor and find out where you stand. If presented with a fait accompli, where you take the wind right out of his sails re his presumed rights, he may just make the best of a bad job and slope off quietly.

If he doesn't, well the police were invented for a reason and you should not hesitate to call them. If you are worried that you might need to then you need alternative arrangements for the kids (staying with your mum ?) when the conversation happens.

Can your family not become a more regular presence in the house to remind him that he is not just taking on you, all alone in the world, if he chooses to become difficult ? They don't need to do or say anything, just be present with constant ad hoc visits as much as possible, as a visual reminder that it is not quite the uneven playing field that he might think it is and you do have people on your side. the idea is to make him uncomfortable in the home rather than him making you feel uncomfortable in the home.

Don't do the above if it would be inflammatory and end up with six people shouting their heads of at each other, or rolling around on the floor in fisticuffs. Can only be done with nice, calm family members who don't rise to any bait, but can drink tea for hours and chat to you about mundane stuff so you don't feel hemmed in by his presence until he realizes its game over.

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 19:27

Thanks fastweb, the problem is I haven't got any family, its just me and the kids down here, nearest family is 200 miles away, my mum unfortunately died so I have very little support, this does make it harder but I know not impossible. I do feel a bit trapped though if I'm honest ! :-(

OP posts:
fastweb · 03/07/2011 19:34

I do feel a bit trapped though if I'm honest

Love I'm not surprised you do. It really is a shitty situation. I'm wondering if a solicitor would know of any "escorting off the premises" type services. Or maybe women's aid would have a support service of a similar nature so when you tell him you are not alone when he is told and is more inclined to not resist if he thinks you have some kind of witness\back up.

How bad do you think it will be ?

Are you afraid of him kicking off verbally or physically in front of the kids ?

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 19:42

I just don't think he will go without me litarelly kicking him out and then it will become nasty, I don't think he will halm me physically,but he says very nasty things, last time he would not go, said he knew his rights!???. I just know he won't do the decent thing and go and then claim what a bitch I am to everyone for 'kicking' him out. But I don't know why because he doesn't seem to want to make any effort with the relationship when he is here. He also says things like I wouldn't be able to manage on my own here as its a big house, but well I've just about being managing with him living here with no finacial support so why would he say that. He has his own house sitting empty just down the road, its not like he has nowhere to go. I don't understand him!!!!!???

OP posts:
Smum99 · 03/07/2011 20:05

How long have to lived together, did you move into together quickly? As others say he doesn't have a claim to your house but of course the thought of dealing with him isn't pleasant. Why not suggest you both have a break? He goes back to his house and you see if dating is better for you?

I do agree that after 3 years he's unlikely to change, sometimes people are just wrong for each other and he might be the perfect mate for someone else. I hope you can resolve this as it sounds stressful.

fastweb · 03/07/2011 20:18

So he has somewhere to go ?

I could almost understand it if he was afraid of being homeless, but this is a different kettle of fish.

If you presented him with proof from a solicitor that stated clearly he had no right to stay in your home, and also told him clearly that you no longer loved him or wanted to share a home with him would your taking control agitate him further or would it take the wind out of his sails ?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 03/07/2011 20:18

could you change the locks when he's out? that way, there isn't any way he can come in without breaking the law, then you can call the police who will remove him anyway.

Original poster
lovesun · 03/07/2011 20:38

Well obviously I may have to do these things you are suggesting, I really don't want to I would prefer to end it in a cival way. He is in the same room as me now but on his laptop thats how much he wants to save it ! His 2 kids have just gone home after spending the weekend here, I feel so used !

OP posts:
fastweb · 03/07/2011 20:42

I would prefer to end it in a cival way

I know love, but for some reason he is far more invested in keeping this going than you are so that brings high emotion to the table.

fastweb · 03/07/2011 20:50

Just thought, how about leaving that link I posted above open in your browser in way that he would notice the screen when you went off for a bath or something.

Would that be tempting trouble or would it knock the legs of his argument out from under him and make him realize that not only are you serious, but you also know his threats are empty.