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Original poster

Herpes

81 replies

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 02/07/2011 14:39

Nice......NOT! :)

So, last boyfriend ended up giving me herpes. He had a cold sore, we stupidly had oral sex and I ended up with quite a nasty infection on my fanjo Blush

The GUM clinic said as it was HSV1 (i.e. oral herpes), and because it was HSV1 I would be unlikely to get another outbreak. If it had been HSV2 (genital herpes), that would have been bad news.

So what do I tell my new partner? Keep quiet and say nothing? or tell them I'm probably infected with something they may catch (and then they will run a bloody mile).

OP posts:
counsellingtricks · 18/08/2011 11:19

Don't believe everything you read. Why would someone without a criminal record be jailed for giving someone herpes? It might apply to HIV, if done with intent, and there have been cases about that. But surely the point here is that a huge number of adults carry the virus, but are symtpom free. They can still pass it on to someone who has not built up immunity from what I understand.

Eurostar · 18/08/2011 12:24

What do you mean, don't believe everything you read? This is reported in many newspapers, i.e. www.metro.co.uk/news/872576-man-jailed-for-14-months-for-giving-girlfriend-genital-herpes and, as the man worked as a traffic officer, I doubt that he has a significant criminal record. There are also articles in the Daily Fail about it.

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 18/08/2011 16:07

Eurostar, thanks for bumping my 7 week old thread in light of todays news Wink

FWIW, I don't agree with the sentence passed on the man concerned. I've posted on the other thread in AIBU.

If anyone is interested in an update, I posted my initial question because I had been talking to a man online and we were due to meet up. I decided to not meet him and withdrew from the dating site I was on.

The main reason I did that was because, although I had a fleeting thought that maybe I shouldn't tell a future partner I have herpes, it's just not something I wanted to deal with right now. In fact, starting a new relationship was probably a bad idea in the first place but I do get lonely (altogether now....."awwwwww").

Seriously. After the initial shock, I'm pretty much over it. I'll be honest with any man I meet - after a decent period of time mind you. Don't want to wade in saying "my name's XXXXX and I have herpes".

I would just avoid sexual contact and broach the subject then.

Right or wrong, that's my plan.

It's not a death sentence. It's an inconvenience and one I wouldn't like to pass on knowingly to anyone else.

OP posts:
Cheria · 18/08/2011 16:11

Sounds like a good plan Tales, and glad you have come to terms with it all.

Eurostar · 18/08/2011 21:25

Sorry to bump your thread tales, it was the first one that came up when I put "herpes" in the talk search. I didn't see any other thread, will look again. I'm sure the moderators will remove it if you don't want it around as a reminder.

Wish you all the best with meeting someone. Anyone who is really into you will accept it I'm sure.

TDada · 18/08/2011 21:46

Hi Tales. Thought of you as well. I knew that you would find the right balance

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 18/08/2011 21:49

Eurostar, no apology necessary. It's just my sense of humour.

I wouldn't want this thread removed as I've nothing to be ashamed of and I'd like it to show other people it's not the end of the world.

I'm not hung up on meeting anyone right now. Me, myself and I are doing just fine and dandy and I'm enjoying the debate on the other board.

Now the evenings are drawing in I have nothing better to do than put my herpes riddled body in front of the laptop as I know it's the one virus it can't catch Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 18/08/2011 21:52

Thanks TDada. Hope you get my humour.

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TDada · 18/08/2011 21:59

Hey, so much of the population has This infection. Don't feel too isolated/loney. Yes, good sense of humor sorts everything.

somewherebecomingrain · 18/08/2011 22:04

So this is the place where at last these things can be discussed! Tales your journey sound similar to mine. I caught it when I was in early twenties didn't suffer to badly but felt so ashamed and stigmatised I did 't have sex for four years - at my prrime. It took a long time to get started again very few guys were scared off though once I did and I discovered through trial and error that I never passed it on when we used a condom so realised that was all I had to do. Now over a decade later have a partner and hes never caught it.

somewherebecomingrain · 18/08/2011 22:05

I mean I told all the guys and was surprised they didn't seem to care mostly

TDada · 18/08/2011 22:47

And don't the flare ups tail off over time? Also incentive to stay fit and healthy. I have admired people who have cold sores which is one form. Never thought that it would be a barrier. I think that you may be more conscious about it in the beginning.

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 18/08/2011 22:52

Thanks somewhere there is hope for me yet. I too feel I need time to get used to having this herpes thing. And I don't like the fact that a condom just minimises passing it onto a potential partner but doesn't eradicate it altogether.

It's just one of those things I'll have to live with. And having a partner isn't the be all and end all.

I can always take up knitting! Grin

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Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 18/08/2011 22:56

TDada flare ups diminish over time from what I've read but the herpes virus can still be passed on, so it's best to be open and honest with any partner before sexual contact.

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Makeyerowndamndinner · 18/08/2011 23:12

Oh I've had this since I was in my late teens/early twenties. I remember the first few outbreaks were horrendous - so painful. I'm now 35 and I very rarely get an outbreak, and when I do they are so mild as to be barely noticeable.

I was told when I was diagnosed that you needed to abstain from sex when you had active blisters and then wait for three days after you were clear of all symptoms before resuming. I have stuck to that rule and have never ever given any of my partners the virus.

However after reading this thread it seems perhaps this is not correct? I haven't automatically told partners that I have herpes because as far as I was concerned it wasn't necessary unless I was contagious, which I thought only happened when the virus was active. This is what I was told fifteen or so years ago. I would never knowingly put anyone at risk.

All the people I have told however have been calm and understanding about it. I have never had anyone say, 'Ew, I'm never having sex with you then.' I think most people understand that these things can happen to anybody.

MrsRhettButler · 18/08/2011 23:26

I was told by my doctor that men don't get symptoms? It affects women badly but men are just carriers.

Il check on google now

MrsRhettButler · 18/08/2011 23:30

Well it seems my doctor was wrong so ignore that post

Eurostar · 18/08/2011 23:58

MrsRhettButler - who on earth and where on earth was that doctor! Wondering if they bought their qualifications from a man in the pub.

MrsRhettButler · 19/08/2011 00:12

In an STD clinic! She told me not to be angry with the man who infected me as he probably had no idea he had it, men don't really get symptoms...

I'd never actually looked into it since then (9 years ago) she was clearly talking rubbish Angry

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/08/2011 00:13

worth a read

somewherebecomingrain · 19/08/2011 08:37

It's actually a trivial disease it doesn't make you infertile like eg chlamydia there are no consequences or make you ill like HIV. It's a signified, a symbol. That's the journey I took from thinking it was a massive catastrophe to realising it wasn't that important.

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 19/08/2011 08:48

somewhere EXACTLY.

BoneybackJ Thanks but that article was actually referred to by Eurostar a few posts back. Do keep up dear Wink

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ameliagrey · 19/08/2011 08:52

Condoms only help prevent the spread- the virus can be shed from any part of the body but more often the genitals and the bits that condoms don't cover.
I read that most people shed the virus every 6 months from their skin- and I don't think shedding always coincides with visible sores.

There was a post on the health forum a while back about someone who had it and it sounded like agony. Her labia almost fused together with the sores and inflammation. She had got it from a partner who had the virus but who had no sores etc or active signs at the time.

somewherebecomingrain · 19/08/2011 09:14

And also Tales in terms of the shedding of the virus when you don't have symptoms that's true it's how I caught it but from someone who had only just caught it himself. I think that declines over time and by the time four years later I started having sex again it was rock solid reliable that using a condom stopped transmission ( and of course no sex during an outbreak). So if you tell a guy you can explain it's very different having just caught it to further down the line when your bodies immune defences are honed. Ultimately for me it was emotional issues that were holding up my lovelife herpes was just a sort of symbolic vessel. When I first got it I told a couple of guys straight away but it was a way of saying fuck off don't come near me. To let someone get close you need to tell them at an appropriate time put it in perspective then let them choose.

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 19/08/2011 09:33

somewhere Yes, I've read that shedding is most common in the first few months following the initial outbreak.

I have a lot going on in my life and, although I get lonely, the herpes thing is not the only thing holding me back from a new relationship. I've go 3 kids, 2 SN, one has other problems. I'm just going to coast along for a year or two - alone.

Ameliag Shock at "her labia almost fused together". My initial outbreak was awful. Could barely walk (and I'm not a wimp). The two outbreaks I've had since January have been very different. A little discomfort, tiny bit of itching so I end up thinking maybe it's the herpes back again. But nothing like the first outbreak. Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

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