Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit!!! Did I over-react?

76 replies

mrshankly · 01/07/2011 22:53

Am quite newly separated from husband and have two small children... we split months ago but he only recently moved out. Still finding out feet with this arrangement/seeing kids etc but so far it's been pretty amicable (with the occasional argument).

Most nights he comes here straight from work, puts kids to bed and then goes to his house and tonight was the same but he tinkered about on my computer for a bit before doing the bedtime routine... he often looks at torrent websites that you can basically illegally download stuff from and in the past I've had a problem with this, mainly because some of the adverts are a bit dodgy (not out and out porn but chatlines etc) and I don't like it being looked at while the kids are about...anyway he was looking at the website then must have closed it down and done kids.

When he was getting ready to go I was on the computer and noticed a pop up 'fuck buddies', ad which had obviously been generated by the torrent website, I asked him again not to look at it on my computer in case this kind of thing happened again... he then denied that the website could have done this and it must have been something dodgy I was looking at. Bollocks, so I showed him the internet history and you could clearly see it popped up when looking at this website and again asked could he not look at it here. he then stood in front of me and started intensely at me saying 'i hate you. i fucking hate you'. not loudly but in a very hateful tone. i honestly freaked out and said i wanted him out the house and if he didn't leave i'd call the police.... he changed his tune pretty sharpish when i said he had freaked me out, saying he hadn't meant to but I felt like he was trying to intimidate me and i felt vulnerable... I didn't call the police but he did leave but he has keys for the house, which I asked him to give back as he left and he ignored me.

I'm working all weekend and he's supposed to be looking after the kids in my house (his new place is house share) and I told him not to come, I'd take the weekend off and make other arrangements.

Did i do the right thing? what the hell am I going to do now? We have no family and rely heavily on each other. he's never been physically aggressive (although has chucked stuff about a couple of times during an argument but in 13 years, i've probably done that too a few times) but has been verbally intimidating before although he denies that was his intention.

FUCK.

OP posts:
garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 00:33

Just a random idea, MrsS, and more about your recent posts than the immediate issue - have you thought of rearranging the furniture and redecorating? It might speed up his detachment process.

I know what you mean about the "I hate you" moment, I think. Sometimes people show you a side of themselves that you'd not seen before and you just know it's significant. The one my ex did (also between split & divorce) doesn't sound all that in the telling, but it shook me - and the friend who was with me at the time. I'm sorry you've been so thrown, hope the weekend works out okay for you.

garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 00:34

What did he download? Has he taken it home on a stick or something?

Original poster
mrshankly · 02/07/2011 00:37

he did download something before he left and took it on a usb

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshankly · 02/07/2011 00:37

no idea what it was

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 02/07/2011 00:41

The thing is it isn't your house, you both own it, and legally he can have a set of keys and come and go as he pleases, he can do that until the house is in your name only.

Whilst it remains in joint names he has legal rights to entry.

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 02/07/2011 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 00:43

I don't suppose it matters all that much. I was just a bit worried in case it was something very illegal that could come back and bite you, or porn, in which case your computer is probably heaving with porn cookies. It'll be in your history somewhere but probably not worth worrying about right now!

You could set your content filter to child-friendly, that should keep out the porn ads.

Original poster
mrshankly · 02/07/2011 00:47

hi again! yes, probably a film, he's got internet access but i don't think it's fully set up. he uses the torrent website pretty frequently but I don't think it's unreasonable not to have it open when kids are around or at the very least, stay with it and make sure nothing dodgy is generated.

yes fabbychic, I understand that I'm on shaky ground legally to get keys back... I had hoped to negotiate him having a set here that he uses when he's looking after kids but leaves them here... just thought that more sensible. I've not taken his name off because I'm worried the lender will think I can't afford repayments alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshankly · 02/07/2011 00:50

garlicnutter- that was why he denied that the website could have generated the pop up as the filters are set to child friendly (i think) therefore in his opinion, someone must have clicked on something. I said well, that's worse, if it's left open on the desktop,the kids could have clicked on an ad which opened the pop up.... it felt ridiculous that he was even arguing about it.

and i'm not against bloody porn, I just don't want it around my children, as I'm sure he doesn't but he obviously felt accused, hence the ridiculous reaction.

OP posts:
garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 01:06

Yes. It's obviously a tense time, you're both likely to be feeling wary and a bit threatened. As you say, best if he double-checks that your computer's left in a safe state for kids.

I hope you manage to navigate through this as smoothly as possible. Have a think about how his outburst made you feel and, even if you decide to do nothing just now, keep that information in mind. All the best.

Original poster
mrshankly · 02/07/2011 01:14

it's something we've fallen out about before, him not being careful with the computer around the children.. they've never seen anything but that's been pure luck. i feel strongly about it but he doesn't respect that at all, but to be fair, he'd never seek out anything dodgy with kids around, he's not that stupid.

the way he talked to me was cold, not overtly aggressive, but very dramatic and at odds with the conversation (ie we weren't having a shouting match at all, he just suddenly stopped and said he hated me etc)... it was intimidating.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 02/07/2011 01:27

Password protect your computer. If necessary, set another User ID up for him with his own password. Set the time out to 5 minutes, so that there is next to no chance of the children being able to access the computer when your H is not at it.
And see if you can reset the filters to eliminate stuff like that more effectively; block all pop-ups for example.

As for the rest - well, I have also said that to my DH when he's been really really off or I've been really angry/miserable/wound up - but if it made you feel bad then he should have accepted that and apologised. He isn't doing so because you are separated and he doesn't feel the need to be responsible for your feelings any more, which is a bit shit.

I hope you work out how to go forward with it - but do your best to deal with the computer stuff for the sake of the DC.

openerofjars · 02/07/2011 07:33

Morning, how are you doing?

buzzsore · 02/07/2011 09:29

I may be wrong here, but I thought if it can be shown that one party has moved out, then althought that person still has a financial claim to the property, they won't necessarily have right of access? I'd talk to CAB or something. I just think you may be legally ok to change the locks as you have residence, while he's moved out.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/07/2011 11:02

MrsS you need to speak with solicitor, the property I live in the former marital home, has been transferred into my name, however the mortgage remains joint.

If your exp is agreeable to that it can de boen rerlatively cheaply.

xmyboys · 02/07/2011 11:49

Apologies if this has been said, I've just skimmed the posts.
Would having an aupair live in help with your childcare arrangements, choosing an older candidate might give you some peace of mind, they could easily be available for those evening shifts when you are at work. As I assume your dc's are probably asleep all night anyway, so it's only if they wake.
You wouldn't be relying on the ex for childcare and the costs are much more reasonable.

Smum99 · 02/07/2011 18:43

I agree with what HRM. I do wonder if he is going through the detach phase, every separation goes through phases, anger, hurt, hateful feelings towards the other partner. You do get to the stage where you look at your ex partner (maybe as a result of a small incident) and wonder how you ever got to be with them. It's like a veil has dropped from your eyes. Usually after a period of time (2 years also in my view) the dust has settled and feelings towards the ex become neutral. You will at times be frustrated by them but he feelings of anger disappear. I think you have to just recognise that the separation will be hurtful and each partner will be at different stages. It doesn't mean you accept poor behaviour (which you haven't) but recognise the road will be bumpy at times.

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 02/07/2011 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mrshankly · 03/07/2011 10:08

hi everyone. when the dust settled i got a full apology and a promise it wouldn't happen again. we talked about boundaries and things are a bit clearer on both sides... i think he's struggling to deal with the separation more than i realised as, although we've had a few arguments, things have been generally amicable.
the aupair suggestion is unrealistic financially and i have no extra bedroom for a live in.
i think when it comes to work, it's obvious, he's happy to look after the children and he's their dad so it's a no brainer but when i'm going out socially, i'll ask him first but not expect him to do it.. that was something that came up when we talked.
overall i'm glad i reacted the way i did actually, even though i may have gone a bit ott initially... it's highlighted a few issues and that means we can hopefully sort them out because we both really want it to be ok for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshankly · 03/07/2011 10:10

computer wise he's agreed not to look at the torrent websites when the children are around and i think the pop up blocker was turned off so that's back on.

OP posts:
garlicnutter · 03/07/2011 10:29

Phew! Good results :) Wishing you the best of luck all round, OP. It is a difficult transition for everyone involved - I hope you manage it OK from now on. Thanks for the update.

msshapelybottom · 03/07/2011 12:14

Just read this now....So glad you have both had a chance to talk calmly - I am 2.5 years further down the separation line than you and it has been a very bumpy road with high emotions on both sides - sometimes the hardest thing to do is to take a deep breath, count to ten and then do what's ultimately best for the kids. It sounds as though you both have their best interests at heart and are coping well given the difficult circumstances.

Hope things get easier for you all very soon...

Original poster
mrshankly · 04/07/2011 18:21

thanks msshapely x

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshankly · 04/07/2011 18:21

and garlicnutter x

OP posts:
HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 04/07/2011 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swipe left for the next trending thread