feeling controlled... is it all in my head?

[Atwaroverscrabble]

arghhhhh

I am feeling really frustrated and controlled by 'D'h at the moment...

basically we have a conversation and discuss something for months, then I go and do what we discussed and 'tada!' show/tell DH and he suddenly decides we hadn't agreed that and I was out of order doing it without consulting him etc... and we end up in Huge arguments!

the 1st incident was our bedroom. When we moved we had dd in with us and so the bed had to go against the wall, dd has been in her room 6-8 months now and we had chats about making the bedroom nicer, less bedsitty etc and that included moving the bed to a more conventional position.... and I bought a new duvet set, showed him and he liked it etc etc... then I spent 2-3 hours rearranging the bedroom and giving it a good clean only for him to come home and moan that I had done it without consulting him, that I know he lies sleeping against the wall etc and moaned for hours ending up with me getting out of the bed at midnight to put the bloody thing back as it was!

the 2nd incident was today... again for about 3 months we have been discussing taking the kids on a cheapish caravan type holiday... we agreed the week and a budget and that it needed to be by a beach and with some facilities on site and that it should be 7 nights to make it worth while (he insisted on this) He wouldnt say where it had to be but kept saying i should just find somewhere nice, and even once suggested I keep it a secret from him until the day we go as a suprise! he's been nagging me to book it so today I found a 7 night hol in our budget and booked it... big mistake! again he moaned at the location, the number of nights etc and said I was out of order again! I have managed to swap it for a 4 night stay elsewhere now but its doing my head in!

finally, today ds asked if he and a friend could go back to ours after school (he has done this before with a different friend) and although i am at work it means he is alone for about an hour and a half (he's almost 12), I said yes and gave the usual warnings but dh now says I should have consulted with him on this too!!!

what can I do????

DOn't go to counselling with him. A competent counsellor will detect that he is abusive and refuse to see you together, but unfortunately not all counsellors are competent, and men like this, manipulative bullies, can often be very charming to outsiders so he will try to get the counsellor to take his side and blame you for everything.
GO to WOmen's AId, they will help you get rid of him.

He does sound emotionally abusive to me. You're constantly changing your plans and on the back foot with him, and that's the way he likes it. He likes you in the wrong, even if it's some imagined concoction of wrongness. He is a bully. Have a read of some of the threads here about abusive partners and check out the Women's Aid website.

Wow! a lot of this sounds very familiar between me and my soon to be ex-H

it's tiring isn't it?

Ah yes, been there: the man drives you to depression and then mocks you for being mad. I'm here to tell you that taking ADs does not automatically disqualify you from getting residence with the DCs.

How you ended up with a grumpy bastard? By him being, at least initially, a lot less of one than the ex. You would have been thinking, for the first few years, how refreshingly un-bastardy he was in contrast. As it turned out though, it was only a difference of degree. If he'd had the sense to carry on being subtle about it you might have been kept fooled for decades, but no, they always have to push their luck.

Well he has just surfaced and acting like nothing happened, he's not feeling well ao I just said it was karma

So you'll be having your lie-in tomorrow then??

Fat chance! He's expecting me to drive up to get dsd etc tomorrow... (3 hour round trip at least).... Dsd is 16 btw and perfectly capable of getting the 35 min train.....

DSD being his daughter? Why can he not go?

What a twunt.

Don't tell me he can't drive!
Why why why do that trip?

My fucking God. This man is the most dickhead of a prick I have ever heard about on here. He gets the biggest fish because he is the man? No one has ever spoken to him like that before? My God.

When I serve up, I give DH more but not because he demands it as a man but usually because he won't have had lunch and I am over weight. DH will go without rather than see me not have enough.

Get yourself a solicitor. Divorce him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and under NO circumstances do you go and pick up his daughter. You take YOURS and get yourself out for shopping and a coffee and cake or three.

He might not be a bully. He might just be a bit of a control freak or perhaps depressed with life and wrongly taking it out on you all.

It's difficult to judge this without both sides of the argument though. It may be that he doesnt actually listen to you when you talk to him or perhaps he feels as though you are constantly 'in his face'. We all need a bit of me time.

Best thing you can do is organise a quiet night together, cook a meal, set the scene and talk about things once he's eaten. (Don't talk about things of concern until he's eaten though - many men are grumpy until their bellies are full).

He doesn't drive no, so I always have to drive....

Nice idea ganshee but I cook every day anyway and he is either at work on a late or has gone to the pub and is not nice to chat to about serious stuff after 3-4 beers....

"Doesn't" drive or "can't?"

Hasn't bothered to learn despite his dad offering to pay for him to learn. He reckons he will this year, he's 41 btw....

Don't be trying to please him all the time. He critisises everything so just do your own thing. If he doesn't like something, tough.

He won't collect his own daughter but refuses to allow her go on the train. Then that's tough shit. You don't go enabling him by collecting her. Let her go on the train. What's going to happen?

He'll be pissed off, he's always pissed off so what difference does it make? don't keep caring and reacting to everything he says. He blames you for everything, fuck him. Tune him out and do what you want.

Stop trying to keep the peace with him, stop doing things for him. Let him moan. Sounds like a horrible parasting bastard.

Jeez my DH doesn't drive (too petrified of killing someone) and any request for me to do something for his benefit like collecting a large item or dropping off due to being non-cyclable etc is always gratefully received and appreciated and we've been together over a decade.

He NEVER takes my driving duties for granted!

He can get the train to meet his dd and come back with her!

He has agreed that getting dsd by car is stupid tomorrow and that if she wants to come down she can get the train (she has done before and has bo problems doing it, just lazy and her dad enables her useless attitudes at times! She takes dopey to the extreme and is allowed to be like that by her mum and dad even though it frustrates dh!) she's supposed to be moving in this summer to do her a levels here if she gets her gcse's and tbh I am dreading it.....

This is my ex. Right down to the biggest bit of fish. I posted a thread on here under a different name about how we once ordered a take away and he insisted we share a main course while making a massive fuss about me having a vegetable side dish. So of course when the one main course was divided there wasnt a great deal of it for either of us. Massive discussion about how he should have the greater portion as the man of the house. He also believed he should have a special "Dads chair" to sit in and a meal made with "decent" meat every day.

Do you want to know what happened to me in the end, after 8 years of it? I had a nervous breakdown that took nearly two years to recover from. These men drain everything from you until you literally implode from the stress of having a relationship with them. Nothing you do will ever be right or good enough and I only wish I had got out of my own situation sooner.

Akaemma - how did you escape in the end?

I too put up with this type of abuse from my ex because it was more subtle than my previous husband's - the first one was also physically violent towards me.

A further consequence of tolerating mental abuse for years was that I started treating him the way he was with me.

It was self-preservation, otherwise I would have had a breakdown. So we ended up being emotionally abusive to each other.

It was horrible and I'm so glad I'm out of it, but I don't feel I can have a normal relationship ever - I don't know what that's like.

Oh God. I feel so uncomfortable reading this since it is like going back in time to being with my XP! He too is a selfish, arrogant, argumentative bully. Every tiny thing was a battle. I couldn't live like that for very long. Thanks for reminding me why I left him

I really feel for you. IME, he won't change. I'm sorry I can't offer any constructive advice on how to navigate this relationship. IME, the only thing I could have done was left.

It's so frustrating.... At the beginning of the week I pointed out that for over a month I was the only one in the house that had done any dishes.... The past 3 days dh has done the majority of them and has announced he's had enough doing all the dishes etc etc and yet cannot see how I felt doing them for over a month!

Likewise I just mentioned I was off to bed as dd will be up early and he was planning on staying up late watching tv and I hinted that I would like a lie in tomorrow and he started moaning that he'd be looking after her mon and tues (from 9am-1) and was he expected to be up with her 3 days in a row???? I pointed out it's been a couple of months since I had 1 lie in until 9am and every day I am up with her from anytime from 6am onwards everyday! He just annotate see beyond his own needs to what I need! I almost developed sepsis last month from a nasty kidney infection and was only just caught but I still had to get up every day with her! Arghhhhh

That's dreadful about your kidney infection. He's obviously not going to be any help if you should become seriously ill, or break a leg or something :(

I'm sorry to repeat the bad news, but your man isn't just a bit of an arse. When other women moan about their ordinary husbands, they're mostly talking about him being less helpful than usual, or in a bad mood. Yours takes the piss completely and appears to have no ability to put himself in your shoes - no empathy. It looks like he honestly sees you as a lesser being than himself; not entirely human. He thinks you're only there for his convenience. You can't change this in a person.

Most men care about their partners, you know? They want to contribute to your happiness, to help you feel really good. In your case, it's hard to see how your life is better with him than without him.

Ignore Ganshee, he's one of our male chauvinist twats invaders.