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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you think your DP had mental problems if they told you they didn't want to be with because...

74 replies

bristolcities · 30/06/2011 16:49

he was still in love with every single girlfriend he had ever had including his first when he was 15. With tears to prove it.

I'm devastated and confused. He is leaving me and his son because he is still in love with 4 other people!

OP posts:

Original poster

bristolcities · 21/07/2011 19:20

The gum clinic is well over due. I can't ask any questions, I can't take any more of a pounding. I can't take him turning every aspect of our relationship in to pure sleaze. I feel like a mad stalker, I would love to know the details but I can't handle what would come with it.

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lolabanola · 21/07/2011 19:28

what a twat, tell him to crawl back under the rock from which he came from ... as if any of these women would want him anyway,i am sure they are not pineing after him

pregnantpause · 21/07/2011 19:51

A mad stalker you are not. You poor woman- what a dickhead. Don't let him make you feel bad, you have a right to know as much or as little as YOU see fit. He led a double life whilst he was with you. while raising a family with you. I'm so angry on your behalf.
Stay strong, and focus on your family- you and your ds.

Original poster

bristolcities · 21/07/2011 20:31

Thank you, I feel slightly more justified in my anger and even sadness. Because before i was being let to believe that my feeling were irrelevant and needed to be put well to one side in the interest of DS having a dad. Like the two things are mutually exclusive.

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Original poster

bristolcities · 21/07/2011 23:49

I need to share with you all the last text i just received. I am some were in between heart broken and furious.

So I received this from ex p about half an hour ago. ''You are a nasty lying, vile person who playes with peoples lives'' (by this he means telling OW). ''You stalked me untill you found an opportunity to stir you shit up'' (again referring to telling OW and finding out having tried to contact him via facebook).''If you generally had DS' best interest at hear you would spent less time trying to ruin my life and more time trying to ensure he has a father. I lied to you and I lied to OW because I knew you would do this, I knew you would tangle her up in your fucked up web of bollocks. the right thing to do would be to ensure DS has a dad but you more interested in making sure im miserable'' (amazing I had no idea I had forced to lie and cheat). ''I'm to strong in the head for your shit'' (well I hope I am seeing as I am the only one looking after DS at the moment)''You just can't let me go can you, it's a bit creepy really''.
So there we go, this is what I meant he is relentless in trying to do my head in and accepting no responsibility for his actions. I don't know what to say, I don't think I will bother. There seems little point in reasoning.

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turquoisetumble · 22/07/2011 00:02

Bristol - deep breath. This has all happened really quickly. Most of us get a slow realisation over a few months (or even years) that our loved one is an utter fucktard. You've got to deal with it in one go. It's not going to be easy for a while - but you'll recover faster and waste less of your life on him.

Please, please, don't engage with him. He will fuck with your head. His mission is to bring you down low. You have done nothing wrong. Do not try and reason with him or explain. Do not reply to him tonight. Be sure of yourself. You are worth more. You know it. Look at your DS - he knows it too.

Tomorrow - send him an email asking him to refrain from abusive texts or you will call the police re. harassment. Ask him to in future address all texts to you only regarding your son and his care.

If you haven't already go and see a solicitor.

Have you got some family/friends to help? You need some RL support.

electra · 22/07/2011 00:03

I think that if I were you I would cut contact via phone and tell him that contact from now on needs to be via a solicitor and tell him that contact arrangements for his son will be negotiated via solicitors. Is there any way you could change your number?

This man has really shown himself up in his true colours. He's done an awful thing and now is trying to turn it all on you. It's best if you don't read anything from him - he's trying to make you feel bad and shift responsibility from where it belongs. For him to call the mother of his child a stalker is beneath contempt. He sounds like a 5 year old in all honesty. Don't engage with him at all.

Do you have friends and family around you? You need to find someone who is supportive to talk to and lean on at this difficult time, when you are emotionally vulnerable instead of reading these awful texts.

electra · 22/07/2011 00:03

X posts tt!

turquoisetumble · 22/07/2011 00:06

But it needed to be said twice (at least), Electra.

Original poster

bristolcities · 22/07/2011 00:08

Thank you all so much. I so badly needed some out side perspective.
To be honest in RL there is only one person who knows and she doesn't know all the gritty details. This is because I am so ashamed. Not about being a single parent or having a failed relationship but because this joke of a relationship has been obviously so ridiculous for so long, I have dragged it our and I feel really silly about it. If I were my friends I would be sick to the back teeth of it by now.

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midnightservant · 22/07/2011 00:15

No, no, no, don't be ashamed! Embarrassment is allowed though, for a short while. It's your judgement turning out to be wrong which attacks your self-esteem for a bit IME (though my experiences were not so horrendous as yours).

electra · 22/07/2011 00:17

You don't have anything to be ashamed of. You are WORTH love and support, so is your son.

turquoisetumble · 22/07/2011 00:18

Please, please don't be ashamed. I do know how you feel - I felt so stupid when I found out about my husband's affairs. I had no idea I was 'the woman people knew was being cheated on' and I found it really humiliating

But now years later, I am proud of myself, for being an honest, faithful, kind and trusting person. I am wiser and less naive now, of course, but I would still rather be me than him.

You are a kind person, and a fantastic mother. Be proud of yourself. Don't let a cheat and a liar make you think any less of yourself - and tell some friends and family, the ones you trust. You need support and if they are true friends, they will be there for you.

RabbitPie · 22/07/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pickgo · 22/07/2011 00:30

To me bristol it sounds as though you have tried to sustain the relationship as most responible adults do who have DCs too, rather than dragging it out. If he'd had an ounce of decency he would have been trying too, not been shacked up with OW.
Don't feel ashamed - all the shame is his, he has been a complete loser, lying to 2 women and his DC.
And his text makes it clear he is now trying to turn all responsibility for his appalling behaviour on you - it's outrageous and totally stupid!
I think Electra's advice is spot on and your only sane way to proceed. He is a completely selfish, nasty wantwit.

pregnantpause · 22/07/2011 07:36

I agree with the above- he is trying to make you shoulder his guilt. He behaved appallingly, and your finding out and telling ow means you have threatened his cocklodging. He lied to protect his own interests- if he had told the truth 'um going to screw both of you until such a time as I have decided who is my favourite(her because you come with the added responsibility of ds which he clearly avoids) if he'd told the truth you and ow would have thrown him.

As for blaming you for not ensuring ds has a father! Vile behaviour, he is trying to make you act differently, to hold you ransom in a way, its like a threat- if you dont behave I won't bother with ds. Turn that around- if he had ds would there be anything that he could do or say that would make you not want to be a good mother? He is effectively punishing his ds. What slime. it is his responsibility to be a father to his ds, his relationship with you should come second to that. Prick.

pinkytheshrinky · 22/07/2011 07:54

I am inclined to think he is just an emotionally incontinent asshole.

Poor you.

Original poster

bristolcities · 22/07/2011 10:59

Thank you all so much you lovely women. Emotionally incontinent is exactly how i am choosing to view him at the moment. The hypocrisy is incredible. Never have I known any one be so massively caught out and be so disgustingly defensive.
He absolutely can not separate his feeling for me and DS hence the lack contact for his birthday. He sent me an e-mail saying ''the more we fight the more resentful I feel towards DS'' disgusting how could you resent an innocent child, you son? And yes this demonstrates him holding me to ransom over his contact with DS. Either I put aside my feeling or there relationship is in tatters.

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pregnantpause · 22/07/2011 11:46

I don't want to sound harsh but I think that no matter how you behave his relationship with his son will be limited anyway. His excuse now is that your anger/hurt prevents him, when you are past that it will be something else. He should be able to conduct a relationship with his son independently of his relationship with you. HE has failed in this.
Wrt the birthday party- is understand if it was too hard for him to come and spend tine as the three of you(well that is if he wasn't emotionally incontinent- great phrase) but what stops him taking his son out and enjoying him away from you?
Is there a chance he is enjoying this power he is exerting over you? Has he always been so controlling? I do get the impression that he's a drama queen and is enjoying the scene of it all- perhaps its best to completely detach, only deal woth him on a formal scale wrt to ds access arrangements.

From an emotional standpoint it would be hard to detach if it were me going through this. I know I would be bitter and demand details, I would easily fall into his trap of acting like a mad woman. But for your dss sake i hope you can remain as mature and reserved as you have so far. X

Original poster

bristolcities · 22/07/2011 21:18

Our whole relationship was a power trip. He used to go out and turn his phone off for days at a time, ignoring begging texts just to know he was ok.

Some thing amazing has happened to day and I'm starting to believe what you insightful women are saying. Not that i thought you were lying but because some were deep down I always thought I had done some thing to deserve this treatment.

As regards to DS' birthday a text to let him know he was thinking of him would have meant so much to him, but nothing.

I have a feeling this is just the begging, but i might be feeling slightly stronger, for now

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BitOfFun · 22/07/2011 21:26

Good for you. He is a toss-splat.

MittzyTheVixen · 22/07/2011 21:40

and what BoF, who is infinitely wise, said.

It hurts like fuck and there is much confusion but I wish you all the very best in healing and rebuilding yourself, and your life for you and your son, and, when the time is right, finding someone worthy of your love.

You sound lovely x

henryhsmum · 22/07/2011 21:51

To be honest he sounds like a narcissist so yes he does have a mental illness of sorts, or at least a personality disorder. I have been involved with someone like this and honestly the less contact you can have the better you'll feel.

Original poster

bristolcities · 23/07/2011 15:53

You have all confirmed what I already suspected. I'm pretty sire as time goes on I will feel like i have had a lucky escape.

Your all so insightful, especially you BOF. How on earth did you guess?

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