Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More Help Needed !!

40 replies

Garr · 28/06/2011 18:50

Hi again, just a quick one -

It's my mothers 60th birthday party, but my wife is not going because she is going out on a Hen's night in Manchester. However she has only met the bride three times.

I've told her that it's up to her, but I would look pretty stupid going on my own, but she does not seem to care and has decided to go to the Hens night regardless of my feelings....

Is this acceptable to most or not, I am in a state of diss-belief but should I be ??

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 28/06/2011 18:54

It's not really 'up to her' if you're sulking about it is it?

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 18:57

lol, sulking probably yes, it is up to her and she will go to the hens night, and there is pretty much nothing I can do about that. The question I have is if the shoe was on the other foot would this be acceptable. ?

OP posts:
Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 28/06/2011 19:02

More context needed.

Does your DW go out often? This is a biggie as if yes, could indicate a problem, if no, could explain why she wants to go on the Hen night despite barely knowing the bride.

Do you get to go out much, what's the ratio between you?

What's the relationship like between DW and your DM?

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:06

My DW goes out probably once or twice a month drinking, and at least once a week with her friends, her relationship with DM is good and I go out about once every other month.

Is that enough info ?

OP posts:
Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 28/06/2011 19:09

Are you quite angry about this situation Garr?

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:18

Initially I was hurt, but now I'm bemused, even though this matters to me it appears as though it doesn't matter to her how I feel. However I am not blind to the fact that people make there own choices.

So I will turn up with all my family there and they will ask where is my wife and I will say ??????

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 28/06/2011 19:21

You will say she's out at a previously arranged party. I really do think you're putting all of this onto how it reflects on you. What will people think of YOU? They won't think a thing of it I bet. Does your wife have a lot more friends than you?

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:23

Lol.. you are so wrong, they will not think anything of me, they will only think bad of her. All I asked is how would other people feel to be in the same situation i.e the man was going out and it was the womans mother. That's it nothing else.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 28/06/2011 19:26

But why are you asking such an odd question? Gender is irrelevant here.

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:27

My wife has about the same number of friends, why do you ask ?

OP posts:
CareyFakes · 28/06/2011 19:27

I'd rather go out on the lash with my female friends for a hen night than spend the evening with in-laws if I'm honest.

I think you're over thinking it.

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:28

Is it odd, to see how people would react, this event would come around once in a life time, Hen nights come and go...don't they ?

OP posts:
soymama · 28/06/2011 19:28

I would be hurt tbh. Who's more important to her? You DM or a random friend? Hmm

Butterbur · 28/06/2011 19:30

"it appears as though it doesn't matter to her how I feel"

Equally, it doesn't appear to matter to you what she feels. If her hen night was arranged first why should she cancel it?

Why do you feel your will should be the one to prevail?

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:35

I do see that friends are important, but this person isn't a friend she is an aquaintance, yes Carey of course any sane person would rather go on the lash than sit with there inlaws, but what you would rather do and what is the right thing to do is another question.

OP posts:
Naoko · 28/06/2011 19:38

If people will think badly of her for choosing one party over the other, then maybe they need to get a sense of priority. Either way she has to turn someone down. She's made a decision.

Which party was arranged first? I would probably say that all other things being equal a family 'big' birthday should come before a not-too-close friend hen night, but if if I'd already agreed to go on one before the other was planned I'd not cancel. Either way I don't think it's worth a sulk (on your part) or disapproval (on the part of family members).

"So I will turn up with all my family there and they will ask where is my wife and I will say ??????"
^ 'She had a prior engagement'. 'She is at a friend's hen night'. 'She could not make it but wishes MIL a very happy birthday and sends her regard to everyone'.

There are any number of reasonable responses. If anyone wants to judge or make trouble because your wife is not there, then there is a problem with them, not with your wife.

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:41

Butterbur, lol my will never prevails generally speaking. Just to make one point, my wife is going to the Hen night and I won't make a song and dance about it to her, that is why I posted here to get other people view points.

Which I have, the consensus seems to be that it is ok, so I'm rational, I still feel hurt but I accept it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:45

Naoko, they were arranged generally at the same time, I came back home and told my wife tonight and at the same time she told me of the hen night.

Okay, it seems that the consensus is it's fine, thanks for the input, as always you have all been very blunt, which is appreciated greatly :)

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 28/06/2011 19:46

Garr, I think it's time for you to look at this relationship and see just how underinvested in it your DW is.

She should care enough about you and your DM all being well, to want to be there. for YOU, for your DM even.

I think YOU may not be expressing your needs enough, you seem to be allowing your wants to be totally ignored, most, if not all of the time.

I think it is perfectly within the bounds of a relationship to say Actually, a hen night is a hen night, but this is my mother and her 60th trumps it all.

It's not like you are asking DW to not attend a wedding FGS (presuming that she is actually invited to the do itself).

I think some assertiveness is needed, some fair distribution of responsibilities in this relationship.

I forget, do you have DC? If not, tbh, then I think you may be better off elsewhere, anywhere but not with a woman that clearly isn't that bothered about being with you at all.

From the outside, it looks like you are flogging a dead horse. Sorry. Sad

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 19:54

HerHissyness, Unfortunately my wife gets almost everything she want's, I didn't think that the scenario was acceptable, but the majority on here that have written on the post do. Yes we have one DC together and she has one from a previous.

What do I do, is there any point to having a massive row over it, when she will still go to the Hen night anyway, probably not.

Do I start making plans to leave, I don't know, obviously there is a lot more to my relationship than this one post as the previous posts have shown.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 28/06/2011 20:06

I don't think you are at all happy Garr, and she has totally checked out of your relationship.

She doesn't appear to care about anyone but herself.

This 60th of your mothers, would, for me, be a real last straw.

If something is important to you, you have to fight for it Garr. You just have to.

You can't make her want to be involved with you, only you know what you are getting out of this, but I can't help feeling that you would be happier on your own for a while and hopefully, in time with someone who IS interested in YOU and your life.

Everyone deserves better than this kind of scenario you describe, surely?

HerHissyness · 28/06/2011 20:09

None of them appear to know the back story Garr, you are looking for everyone to agree with your DW so you feel worse?

Only other option.... could you perhaps arrange to move the 60th to the next day/weekend???? or the weekend before Grin

OOh, better yet... arrange to take your DM away, as a family.... hehehehehehe! Grin

Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 20:17

HerHissyness, I ask myself this question alot, but I love her.

Love is blind as they say, and I'm afraid to be without her, very sad I know, the question is am I already without her ?

Has she already left this relationship, sometimes I feel she has, and others I don't the question I guess is when is enough enough ?

The other thing I'm aware of is even though I post on here how I feel I cannot tell her, as she twists it and I then feel guilty. I'm not an angel,a martyr or looking for sympathy I just feel helpless, talking about things helps, especially with other women. i.e. mumsnet.

The failure of the marriage is definately not what I want, and I am willing to do anything to preserve it, as you know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garr · 28/06/2011 20:20

lol, I don't think I can get a party with over 200 people moved at this short notice, if I arrange to take her away, regardless of where it was she would not agree as it would be an obvious ploy...but I like your thinking.

Yes, strangely I wanted everyone to agree that what my wife was doing is ok, this would make me feel better, as I would be the irrational one for thinking it wasn't.....crazy hey !!!

OP posts:
mum23girlys · 28/06/2011 20:27

Don't want to judge as obviously i don't know your wife or yourself but seriously can't believe that a hen night would come before mil's 60th birthday. Not like your wife didn't know for the last however many years when your mum's birthday is. I will say though my dh often misses my family gatherings due to work but he's away from home and we need the cash so this can't be helped.

I think she's being really selfish and making things awkward for you though as it's going to show her in a bad light to your family and once you're out of earshot it will get discussed. On the other hand though if she doesn't want to go there's no point begging her to as she won't enjoy it and will probably spoil your night too. Just go yourself but let her know you're disappointed in her decision.

Honestly can't imagine doing this and if dh did it to me I'd kick his a**e