More Help Needed !!

[Garr]

Hi again, just a quick one -

It's my mothers 60th birthday party, but my wife is not going because she is going out on a Hen's night in Manchester. However she has only met the bride three times.

I've told her that it's up to her, but I would look pretty stupid going on my own, but she does not seem to care and has decided to go to the Hens night regardless of my feelings....

Is this acceptable to most or not, I am in a state of diss-belief but should I be ??

lol, maybe thats what I should do then kick her arse...isn't that abuse ?? Oh well Salsa tomorrow I will dance to forget or forget to dance one or the other lol.

Gotta go gym now so thanks everyone

What is the backstory here? Because on the surface you sound like a passive-aggressive whiny prick. Your DW accepted an invite to a hen party, and you accepted an invite to your mother's birthday party without consulting your DW and now expect her to change her plans and are trying to make her do so by sulking and rounding up anonymous strangers to tell her what a disobedient wife she is. It's perfectly reasonable for her to send a birthday gift and her best wishes if she has a prior engagement.

You say a 60th is a once in a lifetime event, but there will be a 65th and a 70th and a 75th. Hopefully DW's friend will only get married ONCE and so a hen night really is a once in a lifetime event.

But really, it depends on the order of acceptance. It sounds as if DW had already been asked on the hen night when you told her about the 60th. Did you really want her to let down her friend (who must be reasonably close to have asked her) for a later invitation?

Why not accept your DW's decision with good grace, explain to others that she had a prior commitment, but talk to your DW and say that it would be nice if you arranged an extra time with your DM as a family so that she is not under the misimpression that DW does not care about her birthday?

Love, I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I totally get the need to have HIS behaviour justified, somehow.

Cos if it's not right, then we have to DO something about it don't we?

But this situation ISN'T right is it?

I totally get all your other points too. I was in that very same position.

She is not abusing you per se, but she is neglecting/disrespecting/mistreating you. Those words are all very strong, I don't mean to say it as strongly as that, but she is NOT investing anything in your (collective) happiness only her own.

As with emotional abuse, there is no fist/punch/kick to be the definitive line in the sand, it is SO much more subjective, and so easily glossed over for the sake of maintaining the bigger picture.

I can't tell you what to do, you need to come to that realisation yourself.

If we can help you vent, then rant away, we all kind of know your story now, and we support you. If we can help you find a way to get through this, a way for you to grow and understand your needs better and stand up for them perhaps, then bring it on Garr, we are here!

There you go SGB www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1240594-Need-some-advice

Backstory.

Well, now I've read the back story, the OP still comes across as whiny and clingy. This is never the right way to fix a relationship because it is such a turn off to have a whining partner clutching at your ankles and texting you constantly when you are busy. I wonder if the wife has felt suffocated for a long time. I wonder if the OP has refused to let her leave the relationship by threatening to sue for custody/drown himself if she goes.

I think she is being unrespectful of you. Her friend might only be getting married once but its DMil birthday party its not a 58th or 59th birthday its her 60th. I think she should go with you. Also I thought hen nighhts were for close friends and family not every tom dick and harry.

I think she is being unrespectful of you. Her friend might only be getting married once but its DMil birthday party its not a 58th or 59th birthday its her 60th. I think she should go with you. Also I thought hen nighhts were for close friends and family not every tom dick and harry.

If I remember rightly, Garr, she went out with her friends on Fathers' Day, knowing it mattered to you as a family occasion, she intended to go to New York with her friends on your birthday and now she's going out with a very tenuous friend for this other big family event, your mum's 60th.

She seems to be giving you a very clear message indeed. If you won't her it from her, I can't imagine you'll hear it from me either.

If for whatever reason a P was to treat me like this, I would be really, really hurt.

The turning up in a cab with 2 blokes in tow? the putting everyone everything above our relationship? not being there for an event that is very important to my family? 200 guests eh? and her own DIL won't say to a girl she barely knows, I'm sorry, it clashes with a huge family birthday, thanks for the invite, but I really ought to go to MILs party. If not for her H, then for her MIL, or just even for appearances! Heck even divorcing couples go to events out of duty...

I think it's a really sad place to be, with someone who isn't into you in any way shape or form.

Garr, please be honest with yourself, please give this relationship a long hard look and be brave. If memory serves, you are not that old to just resign yourself to this for the rest of your days FGS.

Garr, I've read your other thread now, and one question from that strikes me. Do you ever go out and have fun together? It doesn't have to be flowers and chocolates and fancy restaurants. What about a walk in the country? A picnic? A sport you can do together? Do you ever have a laugh together any more?

You sound like you both lead parallel and entirely separate lives.

It is acceptable for you to go alone to your mother's party. It would be acceptable for your wife to go alone to an event for her family.

If this happened to me there would probably be politics and nonsense (rolls eyes). If arrangements had been made at the same time I would still stick to my own plans.

Have you ever discussed separation with your wife, Garr? If so, what happened>

I think you and others here are coming at this from the wrong angle.

it's not about you or your wife, it's about your mother.

How will she feel? Does she have a good relationship with your wife- or do they not really get on?

Your wife is being hurtful to your mum- and by inference, to you.

Has your wife made her excuses to your mum? has she apologised or suggested another family get together to make up for it?

If it were me and i had a previously arranged event which i simply could not get out of, and i cared about my MIL, i'd apologise and say offer to take her out for a meal, or invite her over for dinner some time.

Garr you must go to the party. You can't stay away simply because your wife is being thoughtless and selfish. Your duty is to your mum here.

Looking at the bigger picture though, you do need to ask if your wife is using this event as another one where she can effectively stick 2 fingers up at you and your feelings.

Without knowing all the back history to this dilemma, I'd ask- how long have both events been planned? Did either of you discuss the dilemma and what you should each do?

I think your wife is using passive-aggressive behaviour. She's either behaving in a way to test if you can be an alpha male and put your foot down, or she has given up on your marriage and is only using your home as a base whilst she does her own thing.

Which is it- and what are you going to do about it?

In your situation I'd be raging, I would. I would understand if my fella went on a stag with one of his best mates, but for someone they've only met 3 times? No, the 60th would win and I would be FURIOUS if he decided to go to that instead.. but he wouldn't.. so I'm finding it hard to understand why your wife would, there must be a reason..