Do abusive partners ever change?

[Trestired]

Is there anybody, anybody, who as been with an abusive partner that HAS changed? Is there really no hope at all?

Does HE want to change, trestired? Really truly want to be a better and more feeling man?

If he doesn't, you can't make him want to.

You can lose a bit more of your soul trying to, though.

otchayinaye
Yes, over-simplification is not helpful. I think it's better to read different books rather than use one book as a 'bible' that will sort your life out. There's more value in hearing experiences like yours which are honest and see both sides of the story. We could learn a lot from our children I think.

Regarding guilt - I was saying only yesterday to someone that I won't let my teenagers become rude and aggressive at me (many parents just dismiss it as a phase), because I know that she will feel the guilt of that later on.

But from what I have read, abusers have 'personality disorders', usually, developed as children, usually narcissistic. These disorders prevent them from feeling guilt - any self-destructive behaviour in themselves is brought about through desperation that they have lost control. This would explain why most DV murders are committed within hours of the woman saying that the relationship has ended. Often they turn the gun to themselves next.

Beverly Engel explains more about the way abuse runs through generations - girls identify with victim mother, boys with aggressive father. The fact that your Dad formed a strong bond with you means you are an exception to this rule and perhaps that's why you have been able to change the generational pattern.

Sorry - This really is too much for this time of the morning! The sun's shining!

barbie I'm sorry but I strongly disagree with you. NObody is suggesting that Lundy Bancroft is the one and only be all and end all of domestic abuse. But, I don't think that you can fault it. It is well balanced and focuses on the key issues and presents them in a way that makes the victim feel empowered and reasssures those who have been downtrodden that they deserve better and that what they have endured is wrong.

I cannot see the value of seeing further than that whilst you are still in the relationship. If you are in the relationship, you need to see black and white and make strong decisions.

I don't see the value of discussing personality disorders and the like with this op now... She needs to see the facts and make a decision whether to stick with it or move on.

I refuse to accept that my behaviour was in any way responsible or contributed towards the abuse and treatment that I suffered. It was not my fault and I did not encourage it to happen. I'm sorry but I refuse to accept that, because that means that it is in part my fault and it's not.

It's not my fault and certainly not the fault of my children that their father is a nasty abusive man. He never gave a second thought to them or me and I am certain that the only thing in his mind was him.

Sorry barbie if this is coming across as a personal attack on you, it's not meant to be at all. It is an attack on that point of view that I and my children are in some way responsible and that if I "engaged" with the abusive relationship then I perpetuated it.

The truth is simply that the only thing that I have done wrong, is allow things to continue for as long as they did. That is all.

Returning to the original point, can an abusive man change? I think it is highly unlikely and I strongly believe that if he is going to, then he needs to be alone to do that. You cannot help him. Also it will be a long process, not somthing acheived in monhts, but years.

OP you need to consider what you want from your life and for your children. Focus oin that and then figure out how to achieve it. If there is no place for your H in that future, then so be it. That will be his loss. But by moving on, nobody is saying that you can't rebuild a relationship in the future in some form, but at least your future will be in your hands and not an abusers.

I never realised until a few days ago (I left 6 months ago) the value of small changes to my and my children's lives. I am now free to give them the unconditional love they deserve and to support them 100%. We are also free to be ourselves without having to worry about accomodating anyone else.

In reality, this means that I can tell my kids that I love them all the time. I can take time to spend time with them and if it means the house is a mess or dinner is only a sandwich then that's fine because they are more important. I think that the best part for my kids is that they have their mum back. Somebody said to me that I had changed so much in the last 6 months. I said, no, I have not changed, the real me has come back. The real me who has been downtrodden and put aside for so long has come back and now my kids have a real person for a mother, not a shell.

'tolerance' :)

"he may change when he is old and weak...but this is only because he does not have the strength."

No, he'd change to Mr Nice/Perfect in those circumstances ONLY to manipulate others to do what he wanted again... It's all about HIM HIM HIM. If he were unable to move a muscle of his body, verbal abuse'd still be possible.

Exactly HerHissy - the strength of his words can hurt just as much as the physical abuse

So many replies! Thank you so much, Been out today.

He did, the other take (admittedly a bit pissed) say that he takes full responsibility for all that's wrong. This is a first, it's usually, 'well you do this...you are the same..'etc...

I thought this might be a start. And I feel a bit guilty because his abuse is nowhere near as bad as many other people's. And it isn't constant. He has a really big blow out every six months or so.

I just feel like I need to get me back to full strength and the money sorted out because if I do go I know just how ugly it is going to get.

You know the end is coming when you don't respect a person anymore...and I don't. I can however see that he is trying much more, because as well as being a total twat sometimes, he is without a doubt the most self-centred person I have ever met. I think he can sense that I have changed my attitude. It's no more being a drip for me.

I just don't have the strength yet. I also feel like I have to discount all the shit things he did before I had the baby, because I knew that he did them and then had a baby with him anyway.

Don't discount anything! Using the baby as a "before" and "now" divider is just as arbitrary as using marriage, or your one-year anniversary, or the day after his first blowup... or any other event on the timeline of your relationship.

You stayed because you chose to give him another chance, each time. He still chose to take that chance and blow it, each time. You may regret that now, but your motivations were rooted in kindness and a giving nature, and probably fairly low self-esteem. Save your energy for what needs doing now. Kicking yourself is not high on the agenda at this stage.

Trestired: You had hope that he would man up. That's no crime. You hoped he would be a better person, like you thought he was, you thought it was a blip. He was that person, he could be that person again.

Love, we have all been there.

Please read the Lundy Bancroft Book? it will really help you. You will see that this is all about him and nothing about you. It'll allow you to forgive yourself completely.

We told you about our experiences, not to lessen yours (which you are trying to do) but to illustrate that they escalate their behaviour, that it will only ever get worse. Don't discount a thing. Add them up FGS, you have tried to make this work, above and beyond the call of duty, but he has chosen to abuse you.

What can we do to help you find the strength?

Well I think I need a bit more stability in my life first, like going back to work. I've started going out and seeing my friends more. I also need the energy to go through it all again after I nearly got away last time (very recently)and at the minute I am both mentally and physically exhausted.

He seems to have been better since when he starts being a twat I just keep saying, 'Do you know what the definition of domestic abuse is?' He says he is depressed about how he has treated me. He should be.

I will get that book though. And just being able to chat both here and RL people is helping me enormously.

Thank you all very much. Appreciate it!

Hooray, you are making progress! The definitition of Domestic Abuse is an awesome one.

Be ready, when you get stronger, and start answering him back more, or not letting him off the hook for stuff he has done, he'll accuse you of abusing him. Why? because he knows it'll stop YOU your tracks.

When he does, laugh in his face! Tell him, yeah I heard you'd do that, ALL abusers do.

The book will help you on the path you are currently on. You are so close, this time you will do it. I can see that!

I was talking to DH about this thread. He works with perpetrators of DV (some high risk). He said that sometimes they can change. He said that he's been quite amazed at some of the people he's worked with - some of them have had no idea that their behaviour has been abusive/controlling. It, sadly, doesn't work for everyone though.