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Original poster

Blow job issue. Advice needed.

27 replies

redexpat · 25/06/2011 23:06

Have had a browse online for advice on this particular issue but to no avail, so thought I'd see what light MN can shed on it.

DH LOVES getting blow jobs, but I HATE giving them.

Recently, every time we've started having proper sex (by which I mean lots of foreplay, I get to come, rather than the quick shag variety) he asks for a BJ. This kills my buzz, because I feel under pressure.

He says

  1. he feels he has to beg in order to get one
  2. that he has to work really hard to get one.
  3. if he doesn't ask, he doesn't get.
  4. We need to find middle ground.

I say

  1. he gets to come every time we have sex, and I don't (which BTW I'm actually OK with).
  2. I have to be feeling really really sexy to want to do it, which may explain why he asks when he does.
  3. he doesn't get them very often, a few times a year, but he DOES get them, admittedly with flavoured condoms because otherwise I just can't do it.
  4. I agree we need middle ground, but not really sure what that would mean in reality.

Any ideas? Any help much appreciated.

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/06/2011 23:07

does he go down on you?

TheSecondComing · 25/06/2011 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueViolet · 25/06/2011 23:09

I think you shouldn't be doing something you really don't want to. You Dh clearly doesn't care about your feelings very much if he is pressurising you to do it when you really don't want to.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 25/06/2011 23:11

Erm are you me?

FabbyChic · 25/06/2011 23:13

Does he give you oral sex? You cannot receive and not give, a few times a year? Your husband is a saint.

Sex is about meeting in the middle, you should be coming every time you have sex, and if you don't he is doing something wrong, or maybe it is the worry that he will want a blow job.

But you do need to talk about this.

MollysChamber · 25/06/2011 23:16

If you don't like it and he knows you don't like it then, sorry, I don't see the issue. You don't do it and he shouldn't hassle you to.

JaceyBee · 25/06/2011 23:29

i think someone asking specifically for something would make me less likely to want to do it. It should ideally be more organic, you know? Same as if someone were to try and manouevre my head down that way, I hate that too. I would never dream of pushing someones head fanjo-wards like that!

What is it specifically you don't like about it? Would it help if he took a bath/shower first?

fizzfiend · 25/06/2011 23:45

JaceyBee is right...it should be more organic...whatever happens, happens. There is nothing sexier than a man who can have sex without an orgasm. That doesn't matter. Because it should just be how you're both feeling at the time, which is always different.

there is nothing less sexy than pressure or "if he does this, I have to do this." Also BJ doesn't have to end in an orgasm...it's different for women: we can come and then have sex right away afterwards.

The thing that made BJs easier for me was loads and loads of lube...cherry flavoured! My suggestion would be to give him a bj covered in lube, and try and look as though you love it. But pretend (or even mean it!) that you are so turned on that you can't wait for him to come and tell him to get inside you ASAP!

No wonder you hate them with this pressure on you...he needs to relax...there are no rules with sex. None. Even if you both get tired in the middle and fall asleep..that is fine too...

Original poster
redexpat · 25/06/2011 23:45

I don't like receiving!

He's not pressuring me per se, it's just that the asking feels like pressure.

I don't like doing it OFTEN because it doesn't feel sexy, can't stand the taste, smell or feel, so yes a shower and condoms help.

I want to do it very occasionally, when it's organic like jaceybee says.

OP posts:
Original poster
redexpat · 25/06/2011 23:48

Fizzfiend you are spot on!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 25/06/2011 23:50

I could do it with a condom. am i weird?

kayah · 25/06/2011 23:51

i would look for a solution - do you have to put his penis in your mouth for him to feel pleasure?

there are other ways - is he against them

on a deeper level - is it pelasure from sensations he receivews or you giving him that pleasure

BitOfFun · 25/06/2011 23:54

I suppose the middle ground is to say that you will offer of you feel like it, but that you don't want him to ask.

JaceyBee · 25/06/2011 23:57

You don't like receiving either? Is that because you think you will have to reciprocate or because you just don't like the feeling? Sorry if being too nosy, and you're not weird btw!

AlfalfaMum · 25/06/2011 23:59

I'm with you OP, I like giving them when I'm in the mood but any pressure puts me off. Perhaps suggest he'll get more if he doesn't ask, and then do it more once you're feeling it?
Also, it can be nice to just give a little bit of head as part of foreplay and then finish traditionally, sometimes. I don't neccessarily want to get an aching jaw every time Wink

BestNameEver · 26/06/2011 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchrodingersMew · 26/06/2011 00:02

"(by which I mean lots of foreplay, I get to come, rather than the quick shag variety)" You obviously do like recieving something other than straight sex then?

I would think the middle ground would be if you don't want to give him anything more than having sex, he shouldn't have to give you anything more either.

On another note, if you find it hard to orgasm without loads of foreplay, try a little vibrator when you are having sex. :)

BitOfFun · 26/06/2011 00:36

Shrodinger, are you saying that reasonable efforts to help the OP orgasm count as 'extras' in your view? I just want to be clear before I leap in and say you are being unreasonable...

SchrodingersMew · 26/06/2011 00:41

Gawd I don't know how to word this!

Not really that they are extras but if the OP deserves reasonable efforts to help her orgasm then so does her DH. If she doesn't want to make those efforts then he shouldn't have to either.

It should be completely equal. And just because one orgasms easier than the other doesn't mean that the partner who doesn't should make less effort. IYSWIM?

kayah · 26/06/2011 00:45

is not only about that

I feel often there's not enough talk about sex outside bedroom

then if it comes to intimate situations - often too many expectations and not enough communication

BitOfFun · 26/06/2011 00:47

I see what you're saying, but the OP has made it clear that the husband orgasms easily without a blow job. So it's not really necessary for him. It's a preference. An extra. Not a necessity, and she sometimes quite happily foregoes her orgasm so he can just have a quickie, and takes pleasure in his pleasure. So it's a bit rich that he is insisting on an 'extra' for him (something that he just likes but doesn't really need), knowing that it kills her buzz.

BitOfFun · 26/06/2011 00:48

That was to Shroe.

SchrodingersMew · 26/06/2011 00:52

I can orgasm a couple of ways, 1, I can with a vib while having sex and 2, if DP goes down on me. I can orgasm quite quickly the first way and it can take a lot longer the second. But both don't feel the same and it can get boring and repetitive the same way each time.

But, I definitely agree it isn't fair she rarely orgasms.

aurynne · 26/06/2011 01:48

"...can't stand the taste, smell or feel"

It may not be a problem of you disliking oral sex... it may be your DH's problem with hygiene. With my first boyfriend, I thought I did not like blowjobs... With the next one I found out that a man's penis does not have to stink and taste sour. My second boyfriend had a shower every day and cleaned his penis very thoroughly.

kayah · 26/06/2011 01:53

also the food they eat affects smell of urine...

famous asparagus makes it unbearable :)
or even not enough water