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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hope I'm overreacting...

27 replies

LadyLurk · 24/06/2011 23:21

but would you get angry and upset to find your dh had been watching porn while a child slept in the same room?

Yes, our relationship is crap. No, we haven't had sex for months for a lot of reasons, and yes, I have read all the many threads that say of course porn is fine. What is bothering me most, though, is that ds could have woken up and seen this stuff. Not that the porn in itself isn't an issue, because it is and dh already knew that I feel it is. Please tell me what to think, my head is a mess anyway without all this as well. Sorry if I'm not making any sense, but please help with some perspective on this.

OP posts:
Seabright · 24/06/2011 23:29

Same room would be a problem for me, regardless of my views on porn. Is it fixable? Do you want to fix it, or have you reached the end?

FabbyChic · 24/06/2011 23:41

I have no problem with porn at all, I've watched it, my ex husband had loads of films and magazines. But if someone was watching it in my house with my child in the same room albeit asleep I'd go fucking ape shit and kick them out.

It's irresponsible and darn right selfish.

There is a time and a place and the place is never near children ever.

Original poster
LadyLurk · 24/06/2011 23:45

Thank you. Yes, I suppose a part of me wants to fix it, but can I run the risk of my dcs being exposed to that sort of thing again? DH says he will never watch it again, but he said that last time Sad

OP posts:
garlicnutter · 24/06/2011 23:48

I would be fucking furious. He doesn't seem to have a very useful set of boundaries.

FabbyChic · 25/06/2011 00:02

There should be no problem with watching it but under the right circumstances, like when he is home alone, when everyone else is asleep including you.

pickgo · 25/06/2011 00:07

I disagree. I think there is a huge [problem with porn in itself. And I think people who watch dehumanise themselves and others.

I also think it shouldn't be in a house where there are children. It's inevitable they will find it and see it eventually.

If I was you OP I wouldn't want to fix it.

tallwivglasses · 25/06/2011 00:08

Lady, it's actually okay for you to have a problem with porn, regardless of however 'right' the circumstances might be.

FabbyChic · 25/06/2011 00:09

I lived with my husband for seven years, I had a 7 year old when moved in and a 2.5 year old, they never found it.

I think if you ask a man to never look at porn because you are a prude, you ask for the impossible.

tallwivglasses · 25/06/2011 00:17

Oh Fabby, you get a fair bit of stick on mn, I'm not going to add any more. Pickgo is right.

Proud to be a 'prude' Grin

pickgo · 25/06/2011 01:37

Fabby i am not a prude... if only you knew!

But I do have some (hard won) personal standards.

One is I don't like to view people having sex as though they only possess a body and not a mind or feelings.

Another is the porn industry frequently exploits people who are vulnerable and for that reason it is more than just skanky it is wrong.

And another is that porn contributes to the sexualization of people - a culture of sexual objects rather than human beings.

And another reason is that if you think your kids have never found your porn you are quite possibly deluding yourself. If the older one had would they necessarily tell you?

BitOfFun · 25/06/2011 01:45

There aren't many threads on MN where you will get a unanimous agreement on porn. I think though, in these circumstances, it would be pretty much agreed that he was being a twat.

EricNorthmansMistress · 25/06/2011 09:20

Whatever the rights and wrongs of porn, it's completely inappropriate to view it with a child in the room. A child of any age. H and I used to be fine with having sex when DS shared our room so that's not the problem but having porn on with a baby in the room is gross. If the child is old enough to take anything in if they woke up and saw it - well that's a different kettle of fish again and completely disgraceful.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/06/2011 09:26

It's an odd thing to do but quite how bad it is depends on how old the DC is: a newborn would not be affected in any way as a newborn would not be able to comprehend what was being watched even if s/he did wake up.
Why was he doing it (not why was he watching porn at all but why in the same room as sleeping DC?) Do you live in a one-bedroom flat? was the DC asleep on the sofa?

rookiemater · 25/06/2011 09:33

Two issues here:

  1. Porn - Lots of interesting discussion about that, but don't feel its the key issue here
  2. Watching porn in same room as DC - In my book you are completely right to be angry about this. I would not be comfortable with a DC in the same room as someone watching this regardless of the age of the DC, but that is more of a personal preference rather than a reality based decsion. If it is a newborn as SPG is asking, then whilst it feels disgusting and not right, technically the baby is not going to know whats going on and unless directly in front of the screen is not going to see anything. What age is the DC?
sayithowitis · 25/06/2011 09:49

Hi Lady, you asked us to 'tell you what to think'. We can't. Because you think what you think. It doesn't matter what others feel about the rights and wrongs of porn, you dislike it. You are allowed to dislike it. You are not 'a prude' just because you dislike it. You also clearly believe that watching it with a sleeping child in the room is wrong. You are allowed to think that without needing any of us to validate your feelings. I guess that what you really want, is for us to tell you how to deal with it. Personally, the fact that my DH disrespected my views on porn regardless of the sleeping child issue, would be enough for me to begin to question our relationship, though you will see there are others who would call me a prude/controlling etc. There are also some who would take into consideration the age of the child, but for me, I would then be wondering where do those people draw the line, when would they consider that a child is old enough to comprehend what is going on? I couldn't answer that, so for me it would be a complete ban on porn while a child was in the room, however young and asleep or not.

Original poster
LadyLurk · 25/06/2011 10:06

Thanks everyone for all your comments. DS is nearly 5, and was sleeping in our room because he wasn't well (I had gone to get more calpol).

Its not so much that I am asking what you think about porn, because I know and DH knows how I feel about it. Pickgo summed it up better than I could. But I just don't know if I am overreacting to a moment of thoughtlessness - or if it goes beyond thoughtless, as is my gut instinct, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyLurk · 25/06/2011 10:09

I just cannot understand how anyone could on any level think that it was ok to run the risk, however small, of a child seeing porn. I suppose I was half expecting you all to say it happens all the time - but only half expecting, and not a very big half [wry smile]

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 25/06/2011 10:27

Lady - I feel for you.

Ultimately, a dozen posters could tell you that you are over-reacting, and that it happens all the time. That is irrelevant. In your home, by your standards, it's wrong. That's why you were troubled enough, upset and disgusted enough to start your thread. You know deep down that he's crossed a line. It's what you do about it that matters. You need no justification to feel the way you do, and certainly not our permission. You need to accept that feeling the way you feel is enough.

For what it's worth two months ago I threw out my husband of 22 years (after a lot of other stuff going on too) because the final straw was him leaving very heavy porn stuff on an open link on the family computer which my teenage daughter found and confronted him about. He told her that "all men do it" and implied she was over-reacting. She wasn't of course. She felt what she felt. I found out about this a couple of weeks later - and gave him an hour to pack and leave. I don't regret this - I am still furious on daughter's behalf. She wants nothing to do with him.

Don't try and excuse this by blaming it on you over-reacting. It's him in the wrong here. He's done something that you don't want him to do, with a child present - sleeping or not, he's crossed your line.

So, what do you think needs to happen next? How are other things at home - putting this aside for now, how is your day to day relationship?

Original poster
LadyLurk · 25/06/2011 10:51

Thanks, Saffysmum. Like I said, my relationship with dh is rubbish and has been for a while, but I don't know if watching porn is a cause of his anger and his aggression and his lack of communication and interest in any of us, or if it is an effect, or if its only one of many things that I don't know about him. I could go on about the 14 week old baby, the lack of sleep, the postnatal depression, and all the other things that make every little thing into a huge issue. But I think that somewhere through the fog of my mind I do know that this is more than a marital problem, it involves the kids and they are more important than anything. There is, however, the question of whether I am strong enough to get up and go, and what I would do if I did. I just want to get some clarity in my own mind before I take any action.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 25/06/2011 11:02

I know exactly what you mean.

I thought that my husband was watching porn, because he didn't fancy me anymore. After lots of help on MN, particularly from WWIFN, I realised that he had to disengage from me first, to allow himself to watch girls around the same age as his daughters being exploited. So I think, from my situation anyway, that the detachment from me started, and then the heavy porn use. But that's just my experience, and yours may be different. But it certainly resonates with me - when you mention the anger and resentment etc., my H was the same.

A young baby, and everything you are going through, will make you question your judgement. But I think that you know yourself well enough to realise that your judgement is sound.

boodles · 25/06/2011 11:25

Why oh why do people assume that if you don't like porn you are a prude. Honestly, are you that small minded that you think that not liking porn makes someone a prude? Believe me I am faaarrrr from a prude. My husband and I have a fantastic sex life and we try many different things, we don't need porn in our life for us not to be a prude.
And also, it isn't impossible for a man not to look at porn, please don't judge others on your partners inability to control himself.

boodles · 25/06/2011 11:26

BTW my post above was in response to Fabby not OP.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/06/2011 21:10

Ladylurk: I'd say that porn is a side-issue really, this man is sulking because he is no longer your top priority, you have a DC and the man therefore sometimes has to wait to get his needs met. So his behaviour is all about him, about shoving himself in your face, treating you as something that exists for his benefit rather than a person. Men with this sort of attitude sometimes look at a lot of porn, but the misogyny always comes from inside them, not outside. It's just that misogynistic men are often very good at hiding their misogyny in the early stages of a relationship, and it only starts to show when the first DC arrives.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 21:41

I haven't seen any of these threads where women are overwhelmingly told that they should be cool with their OH's using porn

quite the opposite

OP, that is some justification you have handed yourself before you even start on the fact he did it with dc in the room

Tchootnika · 27/06/2011 23:22

OP, there's no way you're overreacting.
Whatever people may think about porn, nobody in their right mind thinks it's OK for an adult to watch porn in the same room as a child. It's just not OK, not under any circumstances.