Miserable about lazy husband working late all the time

[Caz1976]

I feel like my marriage is on the rocks. My husband and I have a gorgeous 8 month old DS, and ever since he was born my husband, who's a solicitor for a small firm, has been working increasingly late. I'm alone every single night - with him sometimes only coming home from work at 1 in the morning. And at least one day at the weekend. It's totally miserable, because although I've always been quite an independent person, after a full day with a baby I"m just dying for some adult company. Before we had DS he hardly ever worked late - coming home at 7pm every night. On top of that he does NOTHING around the house. I appreciate I'm at home all day, so don't mind doing the cleaning and laundry etc. But he doesn't even help with the practical stuff - like fixing bulbs etc. It's all me. He leaves his clothes on the floor, can't be bothered to put his plates in the dishwasher, won't put his rasor away when he's shaved and leaves his hair in the basin. He's always apologetic when I complain, but nothing changes. He's definitely not having an affair - I know his movements too much. I've always been an easygoing person, but I feel like he's turning me into a nagging bitch who's constantly complaining. I don't know HOW to change his behaviour. I'm considering threatening to leave him. Is that extreme? Is anyone going through anything similar? I'd love to hear from anyone.

Can you hire in some help?

Is he trying to make partner?

I've been through something very similar and eventually had to have it out with my DP. I cried, threatened to leave, and told him that I could no longer live with a total slob who treated our home as if it was some free hotel. He DEFINITELY listened and changed. Not totally changed, but now he trieds to make and effort by cleaning up after himself (most of the time), not coming home quite so late most nights (he's a chef!), making meals when he is home, and occasionally doing the shopping.
Talk to him and let him know exactly how serious this is to you. Good luck honey.

Well if he is actually working than you can hardly accuse him of laziness.

Perhaps rather than making any rash threats you woul do better to get to the bottom of whether he really is working. If he is he must be under a huge amount of pressure working those hours.

Please don't let him use working late as an excuse to be lazy at home! It seems too coincidental that him working late more and more happened not long after your baby was born.

He may well be 'working' (ie not having an affair) but what he is really doing is skiving off on his family responsibilities. It's not just the hours, it's the contemptuous indifference towards you ie not putting plates in the sink or dirty clothes in the washbasket. He is trying to communicate to you that you are now a servant. Unfortunately men who are selfish pricks often only really show their true colours after the first baby arrives - before that happened they were more subtle about making sure their needs and wishes took priority in the household, now they have to up the ante.

As this seems like a sudden change is it possible that he is suffering from post natal depression? Men can suffer from this and the pressure to provide for a family and being uncertain about how the relationship between their partner and the new baby includes them are common reasons. Working long hours to be certain of providing and to avoid sorting out the relationship issues is a symptom..

www.nct.org.uk/sites/default/files/related_documents/NCT%20Dad%27s%20View%20Early%20Days%20With%20Your%20Baby_0_0.pdf

www.postpartummen.com/

might help

I agree with cmt, you need to get to the bottom of why he's started working so late. He might be feeling totally overwhelmed. Put some time aside and have a serious chat with him. Let him know how bad you're feeling and encourage him to be honest. Life with a new baby is hard and there will be problems along the way, it doesn't have to be the end though. Good luck

The term, as one of my good friends once pointed out to me when I had three dc's under four, is home-avoider. Get a cleaner, and take his shirts to the laundry.
You have my sympathy, no one wants to turn into a drudge, however lovely your nest is.

Many men feel enormous pressure to provide financially after the birth of their first child, particularly if it conincides with their wife giving up work (or even a temp drop in income). Suddenly they feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders and perhaps that is why he suddenly feels the need to work all the hours god sends,

Agree with springchicken.. yes its probably alot of adjustment for him..BUT does that mean that its ok that you're pretty much left as a single parent but with all his chores to do as well cos he can't be arsed with even basic stuff...

Is it possible for you to have an evening off with friends and get a baby sitter in for a few hours once little one is in bed? See what he thinks of that eh... oh and don't worry about having his dinner ready when he gets in..he can sort it for a change like other adults have to.

Is he using work to avoid being at home?

When H was working with a load of men on his last contract, he said that a lot of them openly admitted to working later than they needed to in order to avoid children's bedtimes and bathtimes.

My MIL and FIL used to ring up and when I said he wasn't home yet they would apologise to me, as if it was their fault. Then they would come and stay and do loads of jobs in the house and garden!

You need to get to the bottom of this. Good friend of mine's husband found himself completely unable to adjust to becoming a father. He said he used to get home from work and sit in the car round the corner dreading going home to very colicy baby which cried all the time. His dd now a teenager and he and my friend are still together so obviously he got over it (they didn't have any more kids though!). Not trying to make excuses for your dh, but I think the experience of becoming a father is so different to becoming a mother. We mums have no choice but to get on with it men can sort of carry on as if nothing has happened and it sounds like that's what your dh is doing. I certainly don't think you should leave him, but you definitely need to talk to him and find out what's going on.

Pfft that is so sad :(

DH rushes home as soon as possible so that he can get some time with DS1 in the evenings and do bathtime - and he (DH) is still climbing the career ladder pretty swiftly so it can be done!

As long as you know he's not working on a matter which is keeping him late, and he's not gunning for partner, it sounds like he's just avoiding coming home because he feels there is a crushing weight of domestic tasks awaiting him at home which he just can't cope with because he is under the cosh at work.

I know that feeling because it's exactly how I felt every night before we got a cleaner - I would procrastinate at work, not wanting to go home because if I went home at 9pm I could just eat dinner and fall into bed because it was too late to do housework. I know not everyone has the luxury of being able to pay to make these tasks go away but if you've got the financial means I would definitely recommend at least trying it.

Maybe tell him to think about how much he is charging out for an hour of his time, and from that amount, pay to get a cleaner, take clothes to a service wash (or at least shirts), get food delivered, get a handyman round to do even the basic things.

Basically he can think about it as buying your family time - the idea being that when he gets home there is nothing to do but bathtime and bedtime with the kids, and spending time with you.

Having worked for a workaholic boss I finally realised that the only way I was going to get to see my baby was to change roles!

Some law firms really still don't care a toss about any employees and their personal life.

It is really stressful working those long hours and it was only when I got away from the hours I realised the toll it took on my health and the fact that my partner had to constantly pick up the slack. And yes when I finished at 11.30pm and didn't get in till after midnight I would cause a little hurricane of clothes and other crap. I'm ashamed to say I did that.

I myself have workaholic tendencies and so often can find it hard to leave on time and I have to be really disciplined to maintain balance. Your partner needs to get to the bottom of why he feels he needs to work those house? Does he have esteem issues and why is he not treating you and your baby well?

Climbing up the career ladder is easier with a company that allows employees to have a life.

By the way - I don't think women who stay at home should have to do all the housework either. My partner works full time and manages to put a load of washing out, another load of washing on, makes the beds at the start of the day - and then at the end of the day he cleans the kitchen. I'm always amazed how many of my friends comment how wonderful he is when really we now share the work and that is how it should be. Ofcourse I do think he is wonderful but sharing housework should be a given in my book, no matter who is employed and who does what.

OP, as others have said I think it depends on why he is working late and how the new pattern of responsibilities are going to shake down in your family.

MY DH is always out of the house for 13 hours min but in the past he has worked much longer and he often works some of the (and sometimes all) weekend.

So, he may be working longer because:
He has more work to do;
He is less effective than normal at work (worried / depressed / not sleeping?) so everything takes longer;
He is trying to get promoted;
He feels more responsible for earning for the whole family / a burden that was now shared is his alone- if you were always a two full-time career household, what are you going to do re: work?
He doesn't like the expectation that he has to do more housework so he's avoiding coming home;
He doesn't feel confident and / or enjoy looking after your DS;
He is just fathering as he has seen his father do - ie. 'hands off'
Maybe a mixture of the above.

What do you think?

I am surprised you have no adult company through the day - perhaps this is what needs to change. Get along to some toddler groups. If DH is working hard, that's a good thing? Your life is very different now and will be for the foreseeable future - make the most of the time you can be with your baby. If you can't share it with DH, share it with friends.
BUT
His behaviour, - not picking up after himself amounts to disrespect - tell him and make sure you tell him 'I'm not your mother you know'.

How much mess does he make? Clearly none, how much mess are you making that the house is untidy anyway?

Its a baby they dn't make a mess.

Fabbychic! What is wrong with you????

Op please ignore the poster aboves comments.
My Dh was the same but worked till 8 till he hot home ate his dinner then worked to
till midnight.
I had pnd and was Soooo alone.

My Dh worked so much because he was worried about providing financially.
Dh is also very messy.

Can you talk to your Dh to why all the long hours?

Fabbychic I have also reported your post for being abusive

I don't think that she is expecting him to help around the house if he genuinely needs to be working such long hours.

But there is a difference between not doing housework and putting your pants in the wash/flushing the toilet etc. That's not housework, that's not treating your wife like she is your maid!!

FAbbychic - her DH did not work these hours until the baby came along and the OP is bored and isolated and wondering what the hell happened to her marriage. kindly remove your head from your arse.

you cannot change him. if you've asked him t come home and he hasnt given valid work related excuse then it is because he choses to stay at work. or because eh is depresed etc - but again is up to him to express it and seek help.

you can change what you do you need to get out and about and build a life for yourself meet other adults etc. if you do leave him you gonna need some support from those people...

what was good about him before?
did he want to have a child?
has he ever looked after the baby on his own?

my ex use to never come home from work... said later he didnt want to come home, didnt want to face up to the "stress" of the Dc etc. ha ha.