Miserable about lazy husband working late all the time

[Caz1976]

I feel like my marriage is on the rocks. My husband and I have a gorgeous 8 month old DS, and ever since he was born my husband, who's a solicitor for a small firm, has been working increasingly late. I'm alone every single night - with him sometimes only coming home from work at 1 in the morning. And at least one day at the weekend. It's totally miserable, because although I've always been quite an independent person, after a full day with a baby I"m just dying for some adult company. Before we had DS he hardly ever worked late - coming home at 7pm every night. On top of that he does NOTHING around the house. I appreciate I'm at home all day, so don't mind doing the cleaning and laundry etc. But he doesn't even help with the practical stuff - like fixing bulbs etc. It's all me. He leaves his clothes on the floor, can't be bothered to put his plates in the dishwasher, won't put his rasor away when he's shaved and leaves his hair in the basin. He's always apologetic when I complain, but nothing changes. He's definitely not having an affair - I know his movements too much. I've always been an easygoing person, but I feel like he's turning me into a nagging bitch who's constantly complaining. I don't know HOW to change his behaviour. I'm considering threatening to leave him. Is that extreme? Is anyone going through anything similar? I'd love to hear from anyone.

You sound like you both need to spend some time together, maybe plan an evening out. Your husband may feel that you are putting your child first. If he stays at work he is not getting moaned at. Hard as it may sound say that you prefer him to work and when you do see him. Make time for him and tell him how special he is.

But is he working??

I read once that some men can feel like they are not wanted after a baby arrives so look for comfort elsewhere.

Not saying he is, but do you ring him at work is he acting any more differently in other aspects? What's he like when your together?

We have a dd who is the same age as your ds. My dh has worked extra hours to make up for our reduced household income due to my maternity leave but he races home each evening to spend time with dd, and we enjoy the time we have together once she is in bed. That's really important to us as it's all too easy to forget about each other's needs when you have a young baby.
It certainly sounds like there are issues with your dh which could be related to the responsibility of becoming a dad or possibly as another poster mentioned, avoidance of the bedtime routine etc. Whatever the reason it's unfair to you and your ds. You really need to sit him down and let him know just how this is making you feel and that you are concerned about the future of your relationship if this continues. Good luck.

I think its fairly common for new fathers to work later - for various reasons including avoiding baby duties/feeling displaced etc. I even know a few more enlightened ones who have admitted its easier to stay in the office than go home!

On the other hand your DP could just be under a lot of pressure at work. In lots of places the legal environment is still hard. Perhaps the firm is having financial problems and there is a threat of redundancies? Maybe he is just trying to hold everything together and not worry you?

I think you need to find out what is keeping him at work. Aside from getting a cleaner can you not set aside family time at the weekend and do some fun stuff together. If he can spend time with you and DS which isn't task based he might bond a bit more with DS and want to spend more time at home?

I just wanted to say been there, done that and my salvation was to return to work myself which helped my family finances and gave me a social life. Obviously childcare can be an issue, not sure what your career is, but good luck to you.

Girls, so sorry I've been so slow to reply. Our computer's been on the blink. Thank you all so much for your truly excellent advice. It saved me (and him) from a very angry and horrible and unconstructive confrontation. Instead I waited to speak to him till I'd had a good night's sleep, and was able to have a really civil, honest (but still weepy!) conversation with him about it. He said that he loved being at home, and was thrilled with our DS, but that he was feeling under enormous financial pressure. He apologised for his slovenliness (though I suspect this wont' be the last time I have to speak to him about it), and said that he would get home on time as much as possible from now on. We'll see! But thank you - so much - you helped me keep my sanity! And also to Fabbychic...whose comment at that low point made me burst into tears...I don't ask him to do housework. I simply ask that he doesn't leave his dirty underpants and socks on the floor for me to pick up, or his hair in the basin after he's shaved. I do have a cleaner once every two weeks. Think once I've gone back to work I'll make it once a week. Anyway, thank you so much everyone. That was my first post, and I'm so glad I did post. xxx