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Original poster

I've called Boyfriend a liar. Where do I go from here?

32 replies

ButterskinMute · 23/06/2011 10:53

I'm a survivor of a long emotionally abusive relationship. After 2 years out of it, I thought I might be ready to date again, but I really have no idea how to handle situations.

I've been dating Boy Friend for 7 months, he is quite a bit older than me and been a batchelor for a long time. Very kind and generous, but the biggest problem is he works very long hours and then spends most of his spare time in pubs, though he doesn't drink to excess.

Just recently I have felt uneasy that he isn't always honest with me about going to the pub when we don't see each other. As far as I am concerned, he can do exactly what he likes but he has been very cagey about what he has been doing and says he had an early night, when I know he has been in the pub.

I said to him that he didn't have to cover it up. I suspect that his ex-wife gave him a hard time about going to the pub. I don't think he has another woman for one minute.

Last evening, he called me at 6pm and said I'm stuck in traffic I won't get home until 8.30pm I won't text you tonight as I am going to go to bed early. That's fine I said. He normally texts me good night but it does take him a long time to send one.

I felt uneasy about this, I suspected he wanted to go to the pub and straight home to bed and couldn't be bothered to text me as it would take him 20 mins or so. I passed the local pub at 7:30 pm and sure enough his car was there.

This isn't the first time this has happened

So I sent him an annoyed text saying that he didn't have to lie to me. He then called me to say that it was a mistake and the traffic had not been so bad after all. I was angry and said I didn't beleive him. He then got quite nasty and said you don't own me, you're not married to me, you need to think about what you want from this relationship.

Now I am confused. My instincts tell me he isn't always honest, but I have no proof. I really like him and want him back, but now he knows I don't trust him so how can we get back from here?

Sorry it's long but could really do with some help!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2011 11:00

If this is what it is like after 7 months then it really does not bode well for the future.

Why do you really like such a person, what do you really have in common with each other?. Be totally honest with yourself here, what are you exactly getting out of this?.

Trestired · 23/06/2011 11:02

A bit shifty that he said he wouldn't text you good night. Very shifty indeed as he had obviously thought through the fact that he wasn't going to text you. They don't exactly take hours do they?

Spend some time trying to put your finger o why you don't trust him. There must be some other things?

shesgotherlipstickon · 23/06/2011 11:02

You are now seeing the real reason why his ex, is an ex. Yes I bet she gave him a hard time, see why?

7 months in run and run some more.

Hullygully · 23/06/2011 11:04

You say:

Yeah, bye then. And throw some water over his smokin pants

Original poster
ButterskinMute · 23/06/2011 11:12

What I get out of the relationship is that he is so kind and generous, he listens to me when i want to talk. He compliments me, he says he loves me. No-one has ever been so kind and lovely liek this before with me.

If I am really honest, I think he is with me because I am quite a bit younger, not bad looking have a great job. I'm an ego boost. But he only really wants to take me to the pub and on holiday. He doesn't want to go to each other houses and cook meals etc, unless I press him.

He pays for everything we do and buys me lots of presents.

I have very deep strong feelings for him and it will kill me to finish this.

He also gives me mixed messages about his long-term intentions. First he wanted us to live together in the future, now he is making plans to rent a house with a friend of his long-term. He said he would marry me if he was younger.

He says that he could never be a step father as in a previous relationship, he finished it because of tensions with the mother over her parenting of her teen girls.

This is not good is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterskinMute · 23/06/2011 11:17

Trestired - I have thought at length.

He's not a womaniser or a drunk. I think he probably wants a relationship with no commitment. But I have such low-self esteem I can't imagine anyone ever loving or wanting me anyway so maybe I am wrong and being unkind.

My therapist said trust your instincts, and my instincts say he is leading me a dance. But I am so confused, what if I am wrong and he was a perfectly lovely man and I have accused him of lying and he hasn't?

He knows some of my background so I would have expected him to be kinder to me even if I had accused him and he hadn't lied. He was quite nasty on the phone and it has shocked me.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 23/06/2011 11:18

Let us help you, pore ol butterskin.

He is an arse.

Morloth · 23/06/2011 11:22

Meh, it shouldn't be hard 7 months in.

FlowerButterfly · 23/06/2011 11:30

Are you sure he isn't still married??

Trestired · 23/06/2011 11:33

How often are your instints wrong...even if you aren't feeling great? Can you think of any other things that he has said to make him doubt you or is all of this based on a gut feeling? Either way, he's doing something to make you think that all is not as it should be.

I am a bit overly sensitive but I would be major league pissed off if someone had the nerve to tell me that they weren't going to bother texting me goodnight....if they didn't, or fell asleep that's a different matter. And if his ex gave him a hard time about going to the pub all he time, good for her.

And you shouldn't be feeling bad. Getting out of a long abusive relationship is a fucking major achievement. You should feel very proud of yourself. Don't settle for him just because he isn't an abusive wife-beater, but equally, you have got plenty of time to see how things pan out.

EricNorthmansMistress · 23/06/2011 11:36

He has lied. He thinks you don't have the right to honesty from him. 'You don't own me' means 'you have no right to question me and I'll do what i want and feel entitled to lie to you about it'

I'd bin him off if I were you. Too risky. He wants you at arm's length, you've said so yourself. No cosy nights in, no honesty, no future.

Original poster
ButterskinMute · 23/06/2011 11:50

He definitely isn't married anymore.

My instincts are sometimes wrong but also more often right. He hasn't introduced me to his family (siblings & mother is all he has) says his mother is too old to cope with meeting me.

If I am honest I haven't introduced him to my parents as I think they won't like him. They will be disappointed. He is actually almost 70 and has an enormous beer belly. Even when we have been on holiday he has only ever wanted to visit pubs and I have been to other attractions on my own.

I have not told anyone at work about him as I secretly think they will say what is she doing with him. I see other people who we meet together look at us and they seem to be thinking why is she with him. Or maybe I imagine it.

But he is also very lovely as a person, and is well-liked by the pub-goers.

Every night he drinks 3 pints of weak lager and 2 double brandies - is that a lot?

EricNorthmans Mistress is spot on with how I see things with him at the moment.

He also says we can't go to his house for a cosy night in becasue it's not fair on his flat mate. But I've emt the flat mate and he says he doesn't mind. Then Boyfriend makes other excuses why we have to go to the pub.

He did come to mine for dinner this week, but hardly stayed any length of time and said he was tired and had to go home.

I think that is everything which is making me worry!!

OP posts:
Trestired · 23/06/2011 11:58

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He's nice. He listens to you. Buys you presents.

Do you really love him or are you enjoyig being in a relationship where you feel safe and are treated well?

He doesn't sound that enthusiastic about your relationship does he?

MooMooFarm · 23/06/2011 11:59

Butterskin please, trust your instincts and get out while you can.

You've done so well so far - getting out of the horrible relationship and looking after yourself for two years. Don't undo all that good work by settling for this man. You deserve better and have come far enough to know, deep down, that he isn't right for you. So keep on looking after yourself and finish with him.

toddlerama · 23/06/2011 11:59

He doesn't want to be a step-parent. If you have kids, then this is going nowhere is it? I wouldn't put up with being treated like a nag because I caught him out lying! He's trying to turn the tables. All this 'you don't own me' crap is a smokescreen. He lied because he does know he owes you a bit more in terms of time/attention and he feels guilty. And he lied because he knows he drinks too much.

BarbaraBar · 23/06/2011 12:01

He's told you he won't be a step parent. That's the clearest possible signal that you have no future with him (as well as all the other red flags re the lies, you not telling anyone about him).

He sees you as a bit of fun, something to boost his ego and have sex with. Sad

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/06/2011 12:23

To be fair, he is 70. I think when i get to that age i am entitled to a quiet life of my choosing. Does he have children?

What is wrong though is the fact that he is using you for arm candy in the pub. If you were on a more even footing it would be fine, but you obviously want more than he does.

So you are ashamed of him, he is ashamed of you? Where exactly is this going op?

Tryharder · 23/06/2011 13:36

Binfullofmaggots has it about right. He doesn't want a relationship- he's 70, he wants a quiet life, a drink with his mates in the pub and you are simply an added bonus. You are way out of his league and he knows that.

He's not an arse or a bastard - as you said, he's a great guy who listens to you, is generous etc etc. However, you want marriage, children, a life with a partner - of course you do. But he's too old and knackered for all that. He's being honest with you. Listen to him, say your goodbyes. He's not for you. Good luck xx

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/06/2011 13:41

He's a gramps with benefits.....

buzzsore · 23/06/2011 13:41

I think this has run its course. He's told you what he wants and doesn't want, so believe him. You're not on the same page now and it's time to move on, but hopefully both you and he can look back on this time together fondly.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/06/2011 13:44

If you have a good job you dont need him to buy you presents, etc. Yes he's nice to you and listens to you but so should any bloke. One who will commit to you more, etc. In the mean time friends will be nice and listen to you.

He may not be a womaniser but he is using you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2011 13:44

He's 70 and sees you as a trophy girlfriend. I can see what he gets out of it but as for you I think you're just grateful actually that this bloke is not as "bad" as your previous abusive ex and he has paid some interest in you. However, this man is not that much better is he, your instincts are worth listening to here.

"But he is also very lovely as a person, and is well-liked by the pub-goers".
Well he would be because he is in there practically every night!.

"Every night he drinks 3 pints of weak lager and 2 double brandies - is that a lot?". Well over the course of a week it certainly is. Its still a lot daily.

hellospoon · 23/06/2011 13:52

oh lord. let me be honest with you here.

your a trophy girlfriend to him, he wants all the benefits with no commitments. You say you have just come out of a awful relationship a few years ago, why dont you just date some guys (your own age/era) see whats out there and just go with the flow.

I seriously think you know that this isnt working out for you and that he is using you, you are setting your expectations far to high, and gramps wont give you what your looking for. for your own sake get rid.

KittyintheCity · 23/06/2011 14:04

You're young, you're beautiful and you have a great job, so why do you need someone in your life who isn't 100% committed to you? He hasn't introduced you to his family, he would rather live with a friend than his girlfriend and if he has lied about this, chances are that he will lie about other things as well...?

HerHissyness · 23/06/2011 16:06

"I have very deep strong feelings for him and it will kill me to finish this."

No it won't.

It's 7m. Your radar is still off from the abusive relationship, and you are ignoring red flags.

You got out of one abusive relationship, you now need to dodge another.

Get out and stay out. He is not the man you are hoping he is.