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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thought I could cope with catching him but not so sure now?

30 replies

incognitomum · 23/06/2011 00:00

It's the old porn chestnut. I had sort of suspected but put it to the back of my mind. Once when I put realplayer or somesuch on a porn clip came up, he just shrugged and said it must've been to do with when he was single and watched porn?

We've been together a while now, plan to marry. I came downstairs the other night and spotted him quickly change the screen. Thing is he'd clicked the cross to remove porn leaving some other page, but forgot about the pop up underneath! I went off it He totally denied it, I told him I wasn't fucking stupid. He came clean, said he still watches it very occasionally. He wasn't wanking which is good I suppose? I was threatening to leave, tell his dd, everything. Just pure anger talking
We have a fantastic sex life but am now a bit insecure. We talked openly about it and I thought I'd got over it. I'm fairly broad minded, we've even watched porn together. But I know I'm not. Just feel weepy a lot now. He's such a good man. He feels so guilty and hates he made me cry so I suppose I don't want to open it all up again? It was only 2 nights ago though. Maybe it takes time?

OP posts:

mnt · 23/06/2011 00:11

I think as long as he's not obssessed by it, is it really doing any harm? especially if as you say you have a great sex life - maybe that's WHY you have great sex??

Original poster

incognitomum · 23/06/2011 00:19

mnt no he isn't obsessed. I suppose it's the comparing myself with the porn stars that's really got to me. I know I'm attractive but I'm not fit. We were trying to get fitter before this so it is giving me an incentive tbh. I know he finds me attractive. Oh I don't know why I'm so sad about it? Think maybe it's the shock? Thanks for replying btw.

OP posts:

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 23/06/2011 08:53

I love watching porn and my husband doesn't. I do it when he's having a bath or something. I NEVER fantasize about the men I see (ewwwwwwwwwwwwww) and it has absolutely nothing to do with my sex life.

That's my perspective - fully prepared to admit that it might be different from his. I won't even go into the bullshit 'men/women' debate - each person's use of porn is different, IMHO.

BUT if you are worried, you need to talk this through... And if you tell him it's banned, it may frustrate and annoy him - depends on why he's using it.

Best of luck - might be nothing, might be a LOT.....only you can tell. But don't ignore your reactions to it. HIS reasons for using them are valid in his head. So are your reactions.
xxx

loopylou6 · 23/06/2011 09:37

It's not the women he's enjoying, its the action, you don't need to feel insecure :)

cumbria81 · 23/06/2011 09:44

so what? tis just porn. I thought this was going to be about cheating.

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 10:24

It's not just about porn though, is it? You also ought to be concerned with the lying and deceit.

I'd be concerned about the porn as well, but perhaps that's just me. However,
I don't want to turn this into a debate into porn vs no porn. So, you need to have a serious chat with your DH as if he can lie to you so easily and hold your views in such contempt, you need to wonder what else he can or is (capable of) lying to you about.

SingOut · 23/06/2011 10:26

Oh honestly, go away porn apologists! This isn't about the validity of porn! It's about how the OP feels about it, and her feelings are totally valid and real.
By being all 'what's the big deal?' to her, you're effectively telling her that her feelings are worthless and/or incorrect. Which is a pretty shitty thing for someone to hear.

OP, if it upsets you that much, then it does. That's perfectly fine. If his use isn't excessive, maybe he'd be prepared to cut down or stop using porn for you? Have you thought about what you want to do if he's not prepared to do that?

glasscompletelybroken · 23/06/2011 10:47

I find this hard too and completely understand how you feel about this. My DH is not obsessed and just looks at fairly harmless pictures of women from time to time on the internet and I am massively insecure about it. I don't know why - we have a really good sex life and I know he finds me attractive but it's this idea that I'm somehow not enough. I know it's not logical and I don't want to feel like this about it bit I just do.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 23/06/2011 10:57

While the OP's feelings are real, that doesn't mean she's right or that her feelings are more valid than her DP's. It's not healthy for one partner to forbid the other partner to look at/read/enjoy films/books/magazines. And threatening to tell his DD that he looks at porn occasionally is actually very unreasonable and unfair.
Everyone is entitled to privacy of thought, after all. You can discuss the issue with him, OP, let him know how you feel but you also need to listen to how he feels. Then hopefully the two of you can come to some agreement or compromise.

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 11:12

Everyone is entitled to privacy of thought - what a partner should NOT be doing is lying to his other half and trying to make out she is losing her mind/not thinking rationally, even when the evidence is staring both of them in the face. That in itself shows the level of respect he has, not just for her feelings, but for her intelligence, and THAT does not bode well.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 23/06/2011 11:42

SIng, what is a porn apologist?

Achange · 23/06/2011 11:53

Well the op, like many other men and women in this world, has serious objections to porn and having an objection to it is utterly valid and reasonable.

Did you make it clear previously you are not happy about the use of porn?

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 11:57

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay, a porn apologist is someone either believes or has been brainwashed taught to believe and/or propagate the myths that:

Porn is not demeaning to women; after all, porn actresses choose to be in these movies and are handsomely rewarded for it

Curtailing porn is akin to curtailing freedom of speech/expression

The porn that they buy does not involve someone (male or female) that has been trafficked, exploited and/or abused

Porn does not desensitize its viewers, leading them to seek more illicit and hardcore versions and seeking to replicate those experiences in real life

Using porn in one's relationship actually strengthens it

Use of porn does not inform how people choose to relate to each other in real life

(And perhaps most prevalent of all) Porn is just images on a screen/in a magazine and a harmless bit of fun, and women who object to it are prudes who need to lighten up and get with the times; after all, it's no big deal!

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 12:06

OP, it is hard to articulate why you feel such an objection to your partner's use of porn; after all, he is still having sex with you and clearly loves you and finds you attractive. However, might I try and help you deduce your discomfort (do correct me if I'm wrong) -

There is always some doubt in your mind that the fact he needs to get his sexual kicks from something or someone else means that you are not measuring up in some shape or form. After all, porn must be meeting a need he has which you are clearly not meeting. You flit between being outraged, upset, shamed, angry, doubtful. You ask yourself, why am I not enough for him? Do I need to change/alter myself or my behaviour so that he feels less of a need to use porn?

You know, there are other women who feel like this too. The irony is that the feelings above are precisely the sort women have when they discover that their husband has been having an affair/shagged someone else - yet, you are being told that that isn't what porn is and that you are not entitled to feel this way. Well, if it isn't, why does it make you feel as despondent and as grubby as you would feel were he sleeping with another person?

Either way, he clearly should not be lying to you. You may try to show him why him using porn hurts your feelings and is something that you are not prepared to tolerate. However, be prepared for the fact that he may decide that he is perfectly entitled to use porn, and then you need to make a decision as to whether or not you are willing to "compromise" on this (although it does puzzle me as to what a compromise in this type of situation consists of - it's pretty clear cut that either he is using porn (regardless of how much/often) or he is not).

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 23/06/2011 12:24

Oh OK. SO what does that make me - a woman who sometimes really enjoys looking at porn - certain types, might I add - not all?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 23/06/2011 12:26

Eve, your little list is a list of opinions and does not refer to facts.
And a compromise on porn use would be: agreeing that the person who wants to look at porn does so discreetly, does not ignore a partner in order to look at porn and does not (for instance) leave adult web pages open on a shared computer, or DVDs in the DVD player where they might be chanced on by someone else.

SingOut · 23/06/2011 12:47

SGB, you may find this an unfair comparison, but if the OP's partner wanted to use prostitutes but promised to do so 'discreetly' I.e not kerb-crawl but used reputable agencies and didn't tell the OP about it afterwards, always wore a condom etc - would that be a compromise too if she'd expressed disquiet with his using prostitutes previously?
Seems to me that a compromise where one person goes on doing what they want to do and the other one has to put up and shut up isn't a compromise at all. Perhaps I'm wrong, however and other posters will put me right.

Achange · 23/06/2011 12:49

"The irony is that the feelings above are precisely the sort women have when they discover that their husband has been having an affair/shagged someone else - yet, you are being told that that isn't what porn is and that you are not entitled to feel this way. Well, if it isn't, why does it make you feel as despondent and as grubby as you would feel were he sleeping with another person?"

Brilliant post EveHarrington

Achange · 23/06/2011 12:51

I agree singout. Its like saying "my affair is fine as long as I hide it from you"

Ignorance is not bliss. Makes it even worse to me.

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 12:52

I never said they were facts; I simply said that they were myths - that may make them facts to one person, opinions to another. I was simply stating what people think of when they think about "porn apologists".

So, Springchicken, if her DP's use of porn makes her feel the same way as she would were he shagging someone else, a compromise would be agreeing that he shags other people discreetly, does not ignore her in order to shag someone else and does not (for instance) leave his "shaggee" in full view in a shared environment with his partner or where the shaggee might be chanced on by someone else ...

Your compromise does not address the fact that it is his actual use of porn that bothers her, not simply the fact that she caught him at it.

The fact that you are male or female makes no difference to me, LostMyIdentity. Each time you view porn, you do so with the knowledge that you may be complicit in the trafficking, exploitation or abuse of another person, be that person male or female. Another MNetter put it far better than I ever could when she said she wished that there was a warning message to pornographic material which people would have to click on to signify what it is they are consenting to view, along the lines of :

?You have chosen to view pornography. Your actions could be directly facilitating the abuse of the people shown in this and other pornographic material. The producers of pornography claim that all the people appearing in pornography will have done so by their own free choice. You cannot verify those claims. The producers of this pornography could be lying to you. You may be about to view real abuse happening to real human beings. Do you wish to continue??

Anyway, I am starting to do what I promised I would try not to do, which is turn this into a pitchfork battle of porn VS no porn. To the OP, you need to decide what parameters you are comfortable with (if any) when it comes to your DP's use of porn, but my advice would be such parameters shouldn't really involve lies or deceit, either him lying about his use of porn porn or you lying that you are fine with him using porn.

flooziesusie · 23/06/2011 12:52

Sorry, but porn is for looooosers. The end.

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 12:53

x posts with Achange and Singout.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 23/06/2011 13:16

Well, we are all adults and can make our own decisions. I choose to view it, and you choose not to.

OP, is any of this helping? Have you talked to him in depth, yet?

EveHarrington · 23/06/2011 13:32

That's true LostMyIdentity, except that my decisions on porn will never run the risk of objectifying or perpetuating what could be an abusive situation, whereas you can never be quite so sure about yours. Regardless, it's a moot point - if you are able to fully inform and live with your decisions, as should I, then so be it.

For the OP, I hope that you reach an agreement where both of you are truly happy with your decisions - you just need to be prepared for the fact that such an agreement may simply not be possible. You also need to make it clear that lies and deceit (which will only serve to make BOTH of you resentful) should not form a part of that agreement.

Original poster

incognitomum · 23/06/2011 14:05

Thanks everyone, and thanks Eve for taking so much time

I had a bit of a blow up this morning, no shouting just upset. It got the air cleared though. He told me it's the through the keyhole thing that he likes not the women. I said if he'd just told me he still watches porn occasionally he knew I'd be ok. He said he was embarrassed though. I told him it's ok if he wants to watch it and he was quite clear he doesn't even want to anymore. I really won't care if I do 'catch him' again although wouldn't want him to lie, there's no need to hide it. It was on the internet not dvds. We have some soft porn dvds but they're laughable. In fact think they've been chucked? We have a ben dover one too but haven't watched it much.
The other night after I caught him dp showed me the site he used/uses and it was rather tame thank God. He said he used to go on another one too but only uses this one now. If I can I'll probably get him to watch some with me so he doesn't feel so grubby. I really wouldn't put it in the same context as cheating. There's no way I'd tolerate that especially when we're both happy and have a very active sex life.

I feel so much better now and feel we can move forward.

OP posts:

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