Thought I could cope with catching him but not so sure now?

[incognitomum]

It's the old porn chestnut. I had sort of suspected but put it to the back of my mind. Once when I put realplayer or somesuch on a porn clip came up, he just shrugged and said it must've been to do with when he was single and watched porn?

We've been together a while now, plan to marry. I came downstairs the other night and spotted him quickly change the screen. Thing is he'd clicked the cross to remove porn leaving some other page, but forgot about the pop up underneath! I went off it He totally denied it, I told him I wasn't fucking stupid. He came clean, said he still watches it very occasionally. He wasn't wanking which is good I suppose? I was threatening to leave, tell his dd, everything. Just pure anger talking
We have a fantastic sex life but am now a bit insecure. We talked openly about it and I thought I'd got over it. I'm fairly broad minded, we've even watched porn together. But I know I'm not. Just feel weepy a lot now. He's such a good man. He feels so guilty and hates he made me cry so I suppose I don't want to open it all up again? It was only 2 nights ago though. Maybe it takes time?

With your DP veering between "he doesn't even want to anymore" and "he may be watching but not wanking off to it" and "he's only using the one site" and "he'll watch some with you", it's a rather slippery slope. It means you are condoning him doing so, and it's not that big a leap from well, she's happy with me watching some porn, why then shouldn't she be happy with me watching other porn, and him beginning to watch other porn.

Plus, if he has lied to you so far about his use of porn, it is not impossible that he may be lying about what sort of porn he watches/which sites he uses. I mean, on here, we always tell women to be wary when a man who has lied to them says, no, it wasn't, well actually, it was just this, but actually, it was a bit more, but not that ... so I suggest that you keep your eyes open to the possibility that he is not being completely open with you.

You also haven't addressed what made you feel insecure and actually weepy. Was it him watching porn? Was it him watching it without you? Was it just him lying about it? The fact that you make reference to you believing (prior to catching him out) that your sex life was good seems to indicate you believing that his need for porn negates in some shape or form the sexual experiences he has with you. Whether that's to do with him engaging in it without you or engaging in it in the first place is a question only you can answer.

I think my own views on the subject of porn came out loud and clear. Unless you can say in all honesty that the porn you are watching doesn't involve abuse of any sort (a matter that's even harder to verify when it is accessed over the internet, as opposed to a licensed porn shop), then it's possible that, in watching porn with him, no matter how "tame" it seems, that you are condoning or complicit in the possibility of the actors/actresses being forced/coerced into performing.

However, if nothing else, I'm glad that you've reached a compromise that works for you both.

Well, between some couples, a compromise on paying for sex could be agreed eg that the one who visits sex workers is discreet, uses a condom if PIV is going to be involved, doesn't spend more than an agreed sum and most of all only uses independent sex workers (independents, who have their own websites and their own premises, are not going to be trafficked).
And it's definitely a myth that all porn performers are unwilling/victimized/being murdered repeatedly in the course of a day's work.
I also wish the OP well and hope she and her H can come to an agreement and a mutual understanding.

blimey. you sound like hard work OP

I think if i were your OH I would be evaluating whether I wanted to work that hard in a relationship thats supposed to be loving, fun and kind

I never said all porn performers were SCGB - what I was saying is if you are unable to verify with all certainty that the porn performers you are watching have not been coerced/trafficked/abused/forced in any way, then on some level, you are condoning the fact that you may be facilitating coercion/abuse. If that's a possibility you are happy to live with or discount as unimportant, then that is your prerogative.

As for "independents" who have their own websites and premises not being trafficked - that is a naive view if I ever heard one. You may be visiting an "independent" in what appears to be their own flat, but unless you can verify who lives in the other flats, in the buildings opposite etc, you have no true way of saying whether that person is being forced to engage in sexual acts with you or not. Having known and/or worked with a number of girls on a website for escorts, cam girls etc (I refuse to give the site any publicity whatsoever by naming it, but it's very "popular"), I can tell you that some that appear to be "independent" are as far from that as you can imagine.

Generally the sex workers I know reckon that independents are most likely to be non-trafficked, and another good indicatior of a sex worker who is doing the work from choice is that the sex worker will do 'outcall' jobs ie visit the client. I do think that the client should make some attempt to check that the sex worker is not a trafficking victim. Many do.
THis is, however, sidetracking the thread so let's leave it there.