DH thinks I'm "handing over responsibility for DS"

[plunctplactzum]

Have a 13mo DS, bad sleeper. He never sleeps through, and doesn't settle for anyone but me. He goes to bed at about 7:30pm and will ALWAYS wake up once or twice before midnight.

He's still bf but doesn't feed between bedtime and midnight.

If I'm having a shower and DS wakes up, he will just scream and try to push DH until I get back and settle him.

It's been over one year I don't go out at night.

DH doesn't go out much, hasn't been to the pub with workmates and such, so he's back home early and can help me with stuff. But of course, he's been out a few times in the last year.

Today I suggested DH will try to settle DS for a week, so he can get used to settling with his dad. I think leaving the house and leaving DS to scream with DH until he sleeps is cruel, so I thought we could try a middle ground: DH will try and settle him, if it doesn't work I go to the room and stay with them, but I won't pick DS up (DS doesn't bf until midnight, so the bf would be a problem). I said "let's try this for a week."

DH then said I'm trying to outsource responsibility for DS and that every day I try to give one more task over to him (I recently started to insist DH would bathe DS. DH did it for the first time a couple of weeks ago). I think he thinks I'm trying to make him responsible for everything.

But this is not something we can try half-heartedly. Everything involving DS's sleep is a struggle, so if we go for it we have to do it properly (I won't do any sleep training that involves leaving him to cry, leaving him alone or anything like that, in case anyone thought of suggesting it).

Context: since DS was about 9 months I've been trying to work as a freelance writer from home. I resigned from my old job so I didn't have to go back from maternity leave. I tried to take care of DS and the home and work around this but ended up too tired as I would try to work after DS was asleep, but he wakes up thousands of times every night (have I mentioned he doesn't settle for anyone but me?). In the end, I was working into the night, I wouldn't go out with DS to try to stay home and work, I wasn't doing any of the things well, was feeling miserable and angry and having huge fights with DH.

So I stopped working. Now I'm taking care of DS and of the house (I know loads of people manage to do much more, and I know if I was more organised I would probably get more done. Please don't say I'm a wimp). Money is short, DH is concerned about that. He wanted me to resume working freelance. I said I can, but we have to think of a new arrangement, as the old one (me trying to do everything with no set times) wasn't working. I guess he thinks I'm being lazy and taking the piss - and that since I'm not bringing home any money, I should at least shoulder all (or most) tasks related to DS. He's been doing some housework when he comes home at night, and on the weekends (he's improved enormously on that, I can't complain) .

I would like to have some opinions, please. I need some perspective. I guess both of us think the other is shying away from work.

Many thanks

Op, we had a very similar situation. DS breastfed until 22 months, DH never got up to him or did very much with him at all. I returned to work at 8 months and was totally sleep deprived.

However, in retrospect, if you expect your DH to care for your DS then you need to let him do in his own way. You sound very like I was, not wanting to let DS cry etc. If DH is to put him to bed then you should not go near him or be in the room.

On the upside, DH did do more with DS as he got older and by the time he was two I had travelled abroad and DS and DH were absolutely fine together. DH didn't do things my way though but I did learn to let go a bit.

I also think you should talk to your DH about you returning to work - shouldn't give up working just because DS wakes in the night (yes, I know it's exhausting) but presumably you need the income.

Have you tried The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley for parents who don't want to do CC.... really brilliant!!

Sleep deprivation is hell and I know how tired you are. Impossible to work when your sleep is that broken up that much..esp writting

Your DH is being a dick.. he gets time off, you don't... how is that fair.
x

One handy hint that my dh discovered for himself is that if he sang the same song to ds when settling him, then ds soon learned to recognise that going to his bedroom when Dh was singing that song meant that I wasn't about to appear and so he should go to sleep.

That's a great idea! I used to give mine the same blanket each night so they associated sleeping with that blanket. I think these cues really work.

Notquite, it's comforting to hear about other couples with the same issues, great to hear ou are all happier now. How did you solve the problems? Did you have counselling? What were the biggest difficulties? (any insight can be helpful :)

The song tip is great, I'm going to suggest it to DH.

buzz, long story... I guess I'm afraid he won't be too attentive/will do it half heartedly and DS may have an accident. And today I figured out I may be afraid he will snap and lose his temper - but in this case I don't know how much of it is honest fear (DH seems to lose his cool very quickly when DS is being annoying), and how much I'm projecting what my own father used to do. Have to think more about that.

Lapsang, it's good to hear from others extended breastfeeding. Makes me feel less alone.

I resigned my job because I didn't like it very much and my salary was the same as the cost of the nursery. I'd like to go back to work, but as a freelance. I just don't know if I can afford childcare right now. And just to make things more complicated, I'm thinking of making changes in my career but I don't know how feasible it is. Well, that's another topic...

hammock, I read the book, but not it all. Have to get back to it. I've been doing a couple of things from it, and it helped.

PS: DS went to sleep at 7:30 and so far woke up very briefly just once - so briefly that DH patted him and he fell asleep again in a couple of seconds. Very unusual.