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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm lonely :-(

31 replies

LeoTheLateBloomer · 20/06/2011 21:03

H and I split up 9 weeks ago. It seems like a lifetime.

He was abusive and the separation was my decision. I don't miss him and haven't regretted my decision for a minute.

My friends and family have been amazing and have been doing their best to keep an eye on me and keep me busy, particularly at the weekends. It's almost been stifling and I've been craving time to myself.

So on the one hand I'm feeling swamped, but on the other I'm feeling very alone.

Things happen and I want to tell someone but I don't know who. You know those small, irrelevant things you'd normally tell an OH? Stuff no one else cares about but you feel the need to share with someone.

Not that he cared or listened when he was here.

I think I'm realising what I never had and I'm missing it. It makes no sense.

I spend every evening sitting on MN, reading about other peoples' lives, wondering what the fuck will happen to mine.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't know where I should live.

I don't know what to do about work.

And my house needs cleaning but I can't motivate myself to do it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
LeoTheLateBloomer · 20/06/2011 21:04

Sorry. That was very self indulgent.

Feel free to ignore me.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 20/06/2011 21:07

Just give yourself time to 'grieve' the relationship, even if it was bad.

One day you are going to wake up and tidy the house, the sun will shine and you will feel better and you will take bigger and bigger steps towards your new life.

Its going to be alright

SherlockHolmes · 20/06/2011 21:08

You poor thing. It is very strange when you first split up, but it will get better. And you are definitely better out of a relationship if it was abusive. From experience, I found it easier to make friends with other single parents, as they understand exactly what you're saying about sharing the small moments etc. I used to share them with my parents in ex-H's absence, but even though they were brilliant, it wasn't the same.

Although it might sound daft, I actually think that cleaning your house will make you feel better. If you're in control of one thing, then it becomes easier to take control of others. One step at a time.

Sorry I can't be more help, but didn't want you to think no-one was listening x

HauntedLittleLunatic · 20/06/2011 21:08

I won't ignore you but I can't help too much.

I feel the same. Xp got booted after affair 3m ago. We never actually conversed that much we were both here...and I don't miss the relationship or (lack of) conversation but I do miss having physical company even if was not a painful company IYSWIM.

Things get better re motivation, but I still have massive down days.

I'm hoping someone with more wise words will be along soon but I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 20/06/2011 21:09

Painful company should read gainful

Suncottage · 20/06/2011 21:10

Leo

Your post really touched me.

Are you looking for friends? A lover? Looking for love and looking for 'like' are very different things.

I could put you in a room with a hundred people and you could feel 'lonely' but put you in a room with a 'likeminded' person is very different.

There are hundreds of us that are/have been/will be in your situation on MN.

Talk. It not self indulgent Smile

Chat away! I'm listening.

Suncottage · 20/06/2011 21:12

Leo

The posts above came in whilst I was typing. Lots of listening 'ears' for you.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 20/06/2011 21:15

I often feel the same, OP (left abusive H 4 months ago).

Then I remember: I was lonely in the relationship too.

allegrageller · 20/06/2011 21:17

You express the feeling very well, of loneliness for what you never had.

I suspect this is going to be a time of real internal change for you. You've moved away from the identity of 'abused woman' that he forced you to live in (I don't know how far you accommodated that before you realised it had to stop). Everything you have done is really positive but this is one of those long, long term gains that will not be felt for months or years.

In the meantime other posters are right- why should you not grieve.

barbiegrows · 20/06/2011 21:17

I talk to "people" in the car, I rant on here, I talk to my Mum, I talk to my art group once a week, and my good friend. And of course, dcs. And I live with OH, but don't talk to him any more because I'm never quite sure whether he will listen or not - so I don't bother trying. And there are cats to talk to as a last resort.

And I would agree that cleaning your house will make you feel better.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 20/06/2011 21:18

I agree that I was lonely in the relationship but it is a different loneliness. An isolated loneliness now. Or at least that is how I feel.

Chipotle · 20/06/2011 21:20

Give yourself time OP, you will be happy again.

Original poster
LeoTheLateBloomer · 20/06/2011 21:21

Thank you Smile

I don't know what I'm looking for. I feel like I'm suddenly so aware of what other 'normal', loving relationships are like. It's liking I'm not mourning my relationship, but the one I should have had.

It makes me so sad that I'm coming across so many other people who have lived through abusive relationships.

I spoke to my sister earlier and we were talking about our cousin's wedding photos which are beautiful. She (my sister) had a disaster with her photographer and said she still feels really angry about it. I reminded her (nicely) that she has an amazing husband and she should be grateful for that. I'd never have said that before, but I see things so differently now.

It's too soon to even consider another relationship (and god only knows how or where I'd ever meet anyone), but it breaks my heart to think that I might never experience real love or that DD might never have a brother or sister.

I did my last bf on Saturday night (she's 14 months) so maybe I'm feeling hormonal. It felt like the right time to stop but I'm so scared I might never breastfeed another baby.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 20/06/2011 21:23

Leo, keep chatting away on here.

I remember my friend saying exactly the same as you. She had children and they kept her busy during the day, part of the evening, but it was when they were in bed and she was alone it made her feel lonely. So, a group of us were with her a lot of the time, popping in and out. Going round for coffee, texting minutae of the day we had, just little things and she said it really helped her.

Feel free to PM me any little details you want of your day. I will answer and listen.

You need to grieve for your relationship my lovely and chat away to yourself. Put some music on if it gets too quiet and I will listen to you as much as you want to yak at me. Smile

Suncottage · 20/06/2011 21:25

leo

Order this book The Life Laundry

It really will help with the small stuff. A kind of 'I'm Gonna Wash that Man Right Outta My Hair' in book form. Smile

Suncottage · 20/06/2011 21:30

and as Coffee says PM me. I am around much of the day if you feel bad and log on at night.

If anyone answers this thread it usually means they have an understanding of what you are going through or have enough common sense to give you sound advice.

pickgo · 20/06/2011 21:30

Leo it will feel less strange over time. It can be lonely sometimes living just with DCs, but try not to put any pressure on yourself at the moment, just try to accept how you're feeling and do lots of things that you enjoy and be kind to yourself.
Make sure you get out as much as you can - and I agree with poster above - making friends with other lps helps loads as you realize you're not on your own.
Also keep looking on the bright side of being lp - the freedom, independence, lack of conflict etc.

allegrageller · 20/06/2011 21:34

also you really can never predict where your next relationship will come from. This lonely future you imagine, is just that- imagination. (I met DP at a job interview of all places, when I had totally given up on men)

Original poster
LeoTheLateBloomer · 20/06/2011 21:54

Thank you again everyone.

I think the key is meeting other lone parents. I don't really know any (at least no other like-minded ones that I feel comfortable with) and it's difficult for other friends to understand.

I'm miles away from my sister and parents so I don't really have anyone whose house I can just turn up at and hang out at.

My closest friend locally is always really busy and too practical to just be able to listen. She's great, and very generous and supportive, but I don't always feel like telling her exactly how I'm feeling because I know she'll try to solve all my problems and don't necessarily need that iyswim.

I'm going to attack my kitchen and then go to bed.

Might just be back here tomorrow evening.... Smile

OP posts:
thenewf · 20/06/2011 21:54

Your situation is the same as mine. 7 weeks tomorrow. I am assured it will get better. Hugs

perfumedlife · 20/06/2011 22:03

I think I know what you mean. I was single for a long time, ten years and I remember feeling that i just wanted someone to witness my life, just to bear witness that I was living and breathing sometimes. It was lonely, but I didn't hate being alone.

Use this time wisely, to recuperate, and get to know your self, your wants and needs. I know it sounds airy fairy, but it matters.

TDada · 20/06/2011 22:14

sorry to hear Leo- you have made an important step which is likely to pay off in the end. warm wishes

TDada · 20/06/2011 22:15

I am going to give you my panacea advice...can you take up a team sport or exercise class if you aren't already doing one?

Original poster
LeoTheLateBloomer · 21/06/2011 08:15

That's a really interesting point perfumedlife. I met ex when I was a niaive student. I'm now a niaive 30-something and I really don't feel like I know who I am. I've been a daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, mother. I've never actually been 'me'.

Team sport and exercise is also a good idea. I'll see if I can find something at the local sports centre where they have a creche.

I've spent the morning crying on and off. My finances are a mess (mainly thanks to ex); my parents are having to help me out. They say they're happy to do it but are still managing to make me feel really guilty. I completely miscalculated what I was getting this week and I've got npower chasing me. The dog needs his booster injections before I can take him to kennels this weekend so I can go to my cousin's wedding. It all costs money and I wish I didn't have to depend on my parents for it all.

I contacted a local DV service ages ago to ask them about support groups. They ran through a questionnaire with me and rated me as 'high risk'. They took ages to get back to me and left a message because I was out. I phoned back and then it was weeks before they tried again. They left another mesage and it just keeps going backwards and forwards. I just need to have a conversation with someone who knows what it's like.

MN is brilliant and I've been so grateful to know you're all out there, but it's not the same as sitting down with a cup of tea and a real person to talk to.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/06/2011 09:01

Just a quick post because I should be in work!

DV orgs are not well funded but tbh thank God something is there, even if it is a bit crap sometimes. I had to trawl high and low to get support - sometimes it literally felt like I was carving it out of rock with my fingernails (uh-oh, that's not going to make you feel any better is it? Confused). Basically, it's down to you. BUT you are already facing yourself, hence the loneliness; you already know what you want, what you didn't get, and that in itself is huge, a huge part of coming to terms with yourself. tbh those who don't get this opportunity are the impoverished ones iyswim. I hope that doesn't sound snooty. But it is painful and hard, no question about that.

One other thing is to give to somebody, even in the smallest way. I don't mean transferring your loneliness by channelling your entire life in to someone/thing else, or you'd miss this opportunity. You have to go through the process of grieving and there's no way to hurry it up, unfortunately. You said you gave to your sister by reminding her of what she does have to help her not to focus on what she missed and which is still a sore point for her. That's giving, because you meant it for her good iyswim. Even if it's letting someone in in traffic, it's good to give.