Sexless Marriages???

[Tattoos29]

Can it happen?? Can a marriage remain happy without sex?

Ineed- it's too late for you now I suspect but..
the fact that your wife would not talk is unforgivable? But do you think she just doesn't/didn't have the words? was she shy?I am sure there are women with low libidos and men too- but I also suspect that some women don't enjoy sex because they are not being touched in the right way by the man.

I am not casting asperstions on you Ineed but it is a factor to consider.

You were both very inexperienced. This does not mean that you don't know how to turn a woman on, but it may be that your wife for whatever reason, never enjoyed sex.

eg- did she have orgasms with you? did she say she liked sex in the beginning?
was she able to say what she wanted you do, what worked for her, what didn't?

If not, then I am not surprised she was not able to talk about why she went off it either.

it's not acceptable in a marriage for 1 person to opt out of sex with no reason. Sex is a barometer of the relationship. If it's not working then it's down to a breakdown in communication. For women, either they are not feeling emotionally close, or they harbour anger over something, or the other person just doesn't do it for them ( any more.)

GnomeMy experience is that a marriage needs intimacy to survive as a marriage. Without that intimacy it is a friendship or a business arrangement.

some couples will settle quite happily for that. Friends, financial stability, etc etc- too afraid to cast loose in middle age and no guarantee they will find anyone/anything better.

strawberryjelly - I wasnt trying to say that a couple without intimacy should part but that the relationship is somehow different. Without the intimacy the public and private face of the relationship are the same.

I think also that without the intimacy a marriage starts to lack something (i'm not sure how to describe what, I can only visualise it as the reinforcement in concrete!). Without intimacy the things which can come with marriage - financial stability, constancy etc are, at least in my mind, external to the couple.

If one partner craves the intimacy which the other cant or wont give then things like financial stability must seem less desireable.

I think I could live in a marriage without sex but not a marriage without intimacy. The intimacy would mean that the absence of sex was consensual.

Tattoos29 - it is an interesting topic and perhaps one which goes to the heart of marriage.

well if one person won't have sex and won't discuss it or make any effort to resolve the issue, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with finding another involuntary celibate to have sex with.

What I find so sad about stories like INBT's is that it's so unnecessary and so obvious where the fault lies. Not in him, not in his XW, but in the vile, life-hating, toxic superstition that the pair of them were fed in their younger days, so they get married young, inexperienced, vaguely guilty, the sex is all a bit fumbled and frantic and therefore less satisfying for her than for him, and she's also absorbed more of the myth that women don't like sex and only do it to keep men happy. ANd in fact, neither or them is happy.

Oh dear, here we go again...I'm sorry, but I have already said about all I can with regard to this issue. It is not a choice vis-à-vis of the restricted party, if I may put it this way. Sex in itself, or the absence of it, is not the problem. In my opinion. It's all that goes with it. The intimacy. I think someone mentioned the "we are the only ones who know" that goes with it. Personally, sex on its own, I could go without. It's all that goes with it. The intimacy. The cuddles, kisses.....the thought that only "he/she" knows you "that" way.

My DH or OH, has left me stranded...has left me in a sense that is slowly killing our relationship. Yes I still do love him. However, it would take such a little effort on his behalf to rekindle that part of our relationship, but he won't. I don't know if it's through pride, hate, love of someone else (I would wish that on him) or indifference...I have, as already said, cried, pleaded, shouted. I will not anymore. I also have my pride. I refuse to beg..especially for affection/sex.

I am lost. I'm trying so hard to find him and myself at the same time. But it's as if I'm swimming against the tide. The tide of time passing....I DO NOT want to spend the rest of my life (however long/short that may be) without physical contact. Be it just cuddles and/or sex. I now consider that I am worth more than that.

I do not think that I am an oversexed person, whatever that may be, I am a normal, over 50s, attractive (sorry to seem proud) active, woman. I would like to underline WOMAN. Not just a mother and a grandmother. A WOMAN. With her needs, her failings, her strength, her needs.

And God almighty, it's tough. I'm now trying to sort out in my own mind how to leave him and how to not destroy him and especially our relationship. We live as if we were brother and sister or best friends. If I leave, I will lose that as well....I don't want to. It's just so, so bastardly complicated. I could scream/cry, whatever. And I do, very often. It's not as easy as it seems.

strawberryjelly,

yes we were very young and inexperienced having gleaned what little we knew from books, magazines. She wasn't always unwilling to enjoy the odd romp. At the beginning we could spend all day in bed on a Sunday. She would quite happily talk about sexual things, although she wouldn't actually try anything to 'spice' things up a bit. I may have been young but I certainly knew not to push things that were turned down. I even went and bought her a silk nightie, stockings and suspenders. The nightie was worn but I don't think the other bits ever got opened. I certainly never saw them on her. But after the first few years the sexual intimancy decreased and by the time we were looking at having a family it became as and when necessary. Several years while the girls were very young we had no sex at all, but we did cuddle etc, and when we started to get intimate again it was very sporadic until finally it ceased completely at the start of 1999.

And as for orgasms? She regularly used to get what I would say was close but whenever she felt like that it seemed to frighten her and she would stop herself continuing.

What she wouldn't talk about or explain to me was why it stopped. Even the cuddles and kisses eventually stopped soon after. I asked her if we could try counselling but she just told me to stop asking. This is how it was until I said we can't go on like this. I couldn't ignore the feelings I was and am having. All I ever wanted was to have someone close. So we agreed a month or so ago to go our seperate ways. We still talk daily, in fact we are going out for a meal tonight.

noluck, you are so unlucky. I could probably have managed to live without the sex if we had continued to kiss and cuddle. But we too ended up like brother and sister. We stopped sleeping in the same bed, when on holiday it had to be twin beds or a pullout.

I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you. You deserve to have what you want in this life. You are too long dead, and I couldn't hold with the thought that I would look back in 20 years and realise my whole life had gone and I had not been close to a woman in all that time.

Of course you have needs. As you say you are a woman first and foremost.

ineed, have to say you sound an incredibly dignified person. It's great that you and your ex are still friends.

i suppose one way to see the relationship is as just that- the building up of a great familiarity and friendship which of course gave you your beloved children.

I do understand however the feeling of having wasted your life :( (and I was only in a largely-sexless relationship for 12 years before it got too much and I bailed out).

allegrageller,

not completely dignified I assure you

It took me a long time to realise that I could get out. I used to give myself all sorts of reasons why I couldn't. I turned to drinking more in the evening. What started as a bottle of wine being opened and lasting me three evening meals (my ex stopped drinking alcohol of any kind years ago) became a whole bottle in one evening. Then it graduated to an extra glass out of the next bottle. I never drunk enough to actually ease the torment though. I didn't want to get too drunk that I suffered the next day either. I went through a weight management programme last year and lost over a stone of excess weight, then when I stopped the exercising. The weight started to creep back on and one day I sat down and realised how much I was drinking. Went back to keep fit(now do 3 classes a week) and getting the weight back off. Not drinking in the evening unless I am out. I do spend a lot of evenings away from home for work and it is tempting to just get soem drink to take a bottle of wine back to my room rather than sit ina restaurant on my own, but I have managed to control that. I am off to Switzerland in August for 3 weeks for work, and it will be interesting if I can keep the control up while in a hotel for that length of time.

well, that was an essay

We know we don't make enough effort on the sex front, but I think it's ok if you talk about it and acknowledge you could both do better. Our DDs are 5 and 2, we both work and our sex life takes a bit of a back seat as we just want to sleep. It's not really a case of one party rejecting the other. We take each other for granted a bit like most couples. I also don't think he has a huge sex drive - I was always more up for it than him and am always the one to initiate things. He seems to quite like being a bit dominated in the bedroom, I don't mind but my only beef is that I'd like it to be the other way round a bit too- for him to not be able to keep his hands off me and fling me onto the bed from time to time (I have told him this!)- it has been known when he's pissed but he's just not as sexually confident as me I don't think.

I think we communicate pretty well generally, we like one another's company but appreciate we need our own space as well, we say sorry if we've been out of order, have heated discussions about things from time to time but not blazing rows... and I love him! The thought of him ever not being in my life fills me with immense sadness. I feel like we're a team.

We've never been at it like rabbits - with previous boyfriends I'd have sex at every opportunity, but we only ever had sex once/twice a week maybe when we moved in together. But there was always more to it, a deep friendship and love. And still is I hope, that's how it feels anyway even through the haze of stress, work and mundaneity.

I just think in our case it's all part of the natural ebb and flow of the relationship and the ebb and flow of personal sex drives (we are 35 and 40 and while we like to pretend that's the same as being 23 and 28, it really isn't!) and while yes, you do need to work at marriage and intimacy is something we need to work on I don't see it as insurmountable. In the early days of a relationship sexiness is easy but later on it has to be planned, which isn't that sexy in itself unfortunately and can easily be put aside for other things.

Sorry to go on...not quite sure what my point was but it was good to write it down. :)

ineed this may sound incredibly patronising, but you do sound like a different person than you were a few months/a year or so ago (going off your posts around that time)

as you were, sorry to hijack

Insomnia, I think your point was that you two communicate which always helps.

Glad you two are close like that

AF, you cynical and patronising?

Seriously though, I feel different.

oi, the cynical bit was on another thread

well, as long as you are spreading it around.

not sure how to reply to that...

what speechless, and patronising, in the same thread. You're losing your touch!

here have one of these

I don't have a touch to lose

No wine for me, thanks, it's a school night

Thanks ineed

SGB wow! Loads of assumptions here- based on what, pray?

.....the sex is all a bit fumbled and frantic and therefore less satisfying for her than for him, and she's also absorbed more of the myth that women don't like sex and only do it to keep men happy.

Ineed just to let you know that there are loads of women out there looking for nce 50+ guys

I am older than you but married a lot later than you so haven't reached the 35 yr mark. However, I have many friends between 50-60 who are divorced and they are looking...

you are in no way too old to start again.

it's a real shame your wife shut down all channels of communication. You have done the right thing to leave as noone should be treated as you have been.

I agree with SJ, ineed

you have a lot to offer, there are lots of marriages that break down and lots of unattached women looking for a nice man at 50+ and beyond

Perhaps it can.

Not in my case. It has made things very uneasy and unsure where to go next.

We both wanted to try for a baby, but dh has said he felt too much pressure and can't do it or try (says it's psychological). Though he suggested I try sexy underwear

So it's been a couple of months now. I feel resentful. We can't ttc, and now dh has started making lewd comments/innuendo which of course he wouldn't follow through on anyway. Which, perhaps irrationally, to me feels like I'm being mocked.

Sorry I'm waffling, but I mean to say he won't address it or talk about it. It has affected intimacy too. I felt less enthusiastic and confident about sex after his affair, so this may have played a part.

In complete honesty in my situation I think he's bored of me again, and doesn't find me attractive. I'm nearing 40 and don't feel it.

attractive, not 40