Sexless Marriages???

[Tattoos29]

Can it happen?? Can a marriage remain happy without sex?

bertiebotts, I think you are wrong. Nothing is as clear cut as my wife's decision to stop having sex with me. That sounds crass, but that is what she decided without talking to me first. My feelings never came into it.

I know that my oh decided that sex (making love, whatever you want to call it) was off the agenda because it was what she wanted(or rather didn't)
She decided that there would be no more sex in our marriageShe decided that there would be no more intimancy.

I never pushed her, and I stuck to my vows even though it was bloody difficult. I tried to be decent.

Now we have decided to go our own seperate ways. But we could have done this over 12 years ago. We have been married for 35 years and she just wants to throw it all away. Fine, she can still have it her own way. Meanwhile I have wasted all that time.

I don't know you or your wife, bodytransplant, so I don't know what her motivations were. I just wanted to throw out there that maybe it wasn't something she decided out of spite, but more something she had no control over. Your experience sounds very painful and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

SGB yes I think if you are (for example) asexual, then you should be upfront about it. I know some asexual people are happy for their partner to seek sex elsewhere, others aren't, but of course they should be upfront about this. It's a reasonable assumption to most people that a romantic relationship is going to involve sex, if you know that you're not interested in a sexual relationship before it starts, you should make that clear. It gets difficult if someone doesn't realise there is such a thing as asexuality until later in life and only identifies with it after they are married though.

bertiebotts, I never said she did it out of spite. Without being nasty she decided that sex/making love/being intimate was something she decided wasn't for her. She was/is very catholic in her upbringing.

The bit that really hurts is that she didn't have the decency to discuss it with me first. She decided that our sex life was at an end and tough shit on me.

I guess that I will never know what it will be like to be intimate with a woman, as I am not exactly an Adonis, hence my id. But it would have been nice to be consulted. Just something that I have to live with, not her because she is content with what she has decided to do. I was bitter about it, but since i hopefully have sorted myself out, I am resigned that this is the life I have ended up with.

sorry all, that last paragraph in my last post doesn't seem to say what I mean. Bit like how I used to post.

Suffice to say I am not going to dwell on what might be, or what might not.

The only way is up....

Inneedofabodytransplant - you WILL know what it is like to be intimate with a woman again - Adonis or not! There will be many women your age delighted to find a passionate man. Believe it or not, we women get a bit droopy round the edges as we age too! I was at some motorway services on Saturday & behind me in the queue for coffee were the smoochiest, cuddliest, giggly couple I'd ever heard. In my mind's eye I was imagining 2 gorgeous young things but when I turned round they were both approx 60 definitely NOT gorgeous but they were so into each other it was lovely! So & looks have nothing to do with it!

Age & looks I meant to say

needabodytransplant You could be my exH talking in some ways. I "went off" sex gradually over about four years after our last child was born (she is now 16). Many reasons; had a terrible experience with a smear test (posted about on another thread) which left me terrified of having anything inside me, exH having long term affair which he wouldn't admit to (though I knew about it) and continued to not admit to until a year or so before he left me. Ex H constantly threatening me with divorce, talking in a matter of fact way about "when we are divorced". Ex H not willing to talk about things which were bothering or upsetting me about our relationship (or lack thereof) but only interested in our sexual relationship (or lack thereof) and other, more intimate, incidents (that I don't wish to talk about here obviously) which proved to me that he had no regard for me as a person and an equal partner in the relationship. He left me a year ago after 32 years of marriage. Decree absolute came through in February.

I think, if everything else in the relationship is fairly ok and there is real affection and mutual respect, then problems of sexual incompatibility can probably be resolved. If not, then it's probably going to end up in divorce and if this is the case, better sooner than later.

I think it is possible if both people are low sexed or the one who wants it is very self sacrificing. In my experience though marriages without sex leave one partner very unhappy, and intimacy and affection slowly leak out, and they sooner or later end.

Also in my experience a lot more affairs or EA happen in these marriages than people admit, it all comes out much later.

(by experience I mean looking at what has happened to friends and acquaintances over < cough> years)

We had it toughest after DC2 but worked at it, I had heard enough scare stories of frustrated DH going elsewhere by then.

IMO/IME when women withhold sex it is usually for emotional reasons.
That, or simply low libido.
Or, going off their partners for all inds of reasons.

some relationship each the brother/sister stage- in fact I'd say the majority of long term marriages do.

However, it's not quite as simple as "I don't want sex with you therefore I am happy for your to seek it elsehere."

I can see a very complex set of emotions which work against this simple notion.

Women with a low libido ( and I am not including myself here- I am talking of friends etc) may not want sex but that does not follow that they are happy about their partners being shared.

It's not quite the same as saying for example, I don't like scuba diving, so I don't mind if you do it with another person- is it? You didn't promise to scuba dive for the rest of your life with just one person.

Sex is a part of a complex 1:1 relationship. if it's not working, the odds are ( bar medical reasons) the relationship is not working in some way.

I understand mismatched libidos, but if one partner resolutely refuses to have sex, there is an underlying reason- usually emotional and they need to find what it is.

morning all.

frantic/strawberryjelly, my wife did just go off sex. She pushed me away more and more for no reason that I could see. When I say pushed away I wasn't forcing myself on her, just that whenever we got close and it got to the point where sex was possibly the next step she would move away.

No affairs on either side, physical or emotional. I have never spoken in real life to anyone about our situation.

We married when I was 19 and she was 17. Neither of us had any previous sexual partners. Ok, I had quite a few girlfriends before I met her but it never went beyond the usual fumbles, some she knew because my brother was in her year at school, and I used the school for discos etc so she knew me for a few years before we actually became a couple.

Things seemed fine for a while, even though she did seem a bit unadventurous in bed, but I never criticised her. Hey I was no expert although I had read a few magazines. Suggested several things which she didn't want to try, I never pushed it so we just plodded along it seems. I just think that she did have a very low, if not non-existant libido. The biggest hurt was that all affection ceased eventually.

I could dwell on this forever, but I need to move on and enjoy the rest of my life. Whether that is on my own or with someone else only time will tell.

@Ineed, thinking back, what would you have done differently?

midwife, I do hope you are right. I know looks aren't everything but they do help make a good first impression

omigawd,

if I could turn back time and make my decisions again I probably would not marry her. Not just because of the sexual problems. Just that we both deserved to have a life that meant something, as does everybody. We have both wasted a lot of years. Being married for 35 years hasn't led us to an age where we can look back with fond memories. We had two miscarriages before we eventually received our girls. Even then our eldest was one of twins, we lost the other. But our problems started before that. She didn't want sex for years before we decided to have kids. And then it was a case of timing and rushing to get things over and done with. (Sorry if that is tmi).

The only problem with the not marrying her is that I wouldn't have my daughters or my grandson, but then thinking like that gets too deep. Would I have the same daughters and grandson with someone else? Much too deep for me.

INABT, you keep mentioning the fact that she didn't conswult you? I don't really understand this, what do you mean? what would you expect her to say? If she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't want to have it, that's her choice and not much you can do about it. Just because you're her husband doesn't mean she has to have the thumbs up from you, especially on an issue so personal as this.

inneedofabodytransplant:

i think your posts are really really interesting. I have been married just 10 years, my DH is one of my best friends, I feel I could tell him most things (not everything though)
We have one DC and have a reasonably solid relationship. We used to have a very very healthy and open sex life... we would try our best to keep it as healthy as possible. Our best time for our sex life was in the first year of my DC's life but it started to fizzle out...bigtime.
this year alone we have only had sex 3 times :((( we are intimate but not half as much as we used to be, we will kiss and hold hands etc but I personally don't think we're as close as we once were. More of late I feel rather paranoid about how I look as I have put on a bit of weight.....not too sure my DH's reasons but I think sometimes how long it lasts can play on his mind ( bit of a vicious circle me thinks)
we're still very young.... both late 30's so I kinda feel that it's too soon to be having sexual issues?? not sure if everyone would agree???
It's hard to pin point when it started to decline, but we are both at fault at we don't try very hard to be intimate, I feel we let issues bother us ie money,kids,families worries,work etc etc etc
One of my problems is we don't deal with this in anyway, we don't EVER discuss what the issues are..AT ALL!!!!
Although we could probably talk about anything we don't deal with this. If i'm being honest I feel my sex drive is slightly higher than his and I do miss it and feel I need it back. I don't ever feel that it would tear us apart but I also don't want to be married for the next 50 years without having sex :((((

Beautifulswan: but it's reasonable to discuss the lack of sex in a relationship with your partner if your partner is unhappy about the situation. No one is saying that INBT's partner should just have opened her legs regardless, but refusing to discuss the issue (as seems to have been the case here) is just as selfish as constantly complaining about the lack of sex but not listening to a partner's reasons for not wanting it. Sex is more important to some people than to others, sure, but having a high libido is just as valid as having a low one, and the unhappiness people feel when their partners have no interest in sex or withold it in order to punish or control, matters just as much as the feelings of a person with a low libido.

"If she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't want to have it, that's her choice and not much you can do about it. Just because you're her husband doesn't mean she has to have the thumbs up from you, especially on an issue so personal as this."

I think this is an attitude I just don't understand. How can you be in a marriage and justify doing this, it seems so very selfish to me! What do you expect the other half to do - be celibate for the rest of their life?

beautifulswan Intimacy, affection and sex, amongst other things, are very, very important parts of a relationship and in a healthy relationship, important things like this are discussed, even if they turn into difficult discussions that are impossible to resolve.

It may well be "her choice" but, again, in a healthy relationship, these choices can be discussed. In unhealthy and unequal relationships, choices are imposed on the other partner. Whether those choices are financial, physical or emotional, it makes no odds - the outcome is the same - Inequality in the relationship.

It is shocking that some people effectively tell their wife/husband/partner "that's just the way it is, live with it", but it happens a lot - and refusing to discuss the issue is exactly the same. IMO, whatever the issue is, if that is the stock response, then it's a clear sign of an unhealthy, unequal relationship.

The very fact the it is an "issue as personal as this" makes it even more important that it is addressed together

beautifulswan perhaps saying she never consulted me is the wrong choice of words. I said I have never discussed this with anyone in real life so sometimes I do write the wrong things.

I never asked her for the thumbs up. To do what exactly?I know her body is hers, I have no say in what she chooses to do with it. But at least we could have discussed the situation, something she wouldn't do. Many times I asked her to sit and talk to me, see if we could make things better. I know I am not blameless, but it takes two to tango as they say. And if one won't dance what then?

Anyway, will be back later, I must get some work done. One of the problems with working from home is the other pc is too close

INOABT I think if your wife was not keen on sex in the early days of your marriage, before children then you kind of knew that there would always be a problem in this area and I don't understand why you would stay with her and then be disappointed when she ceased to want sex at all after children.

We had a very healthy sex life before children and I enjoyed it every bit as much as he did. My problems started when he had his long affair which began some time before I got pregnant with our second child. My Ex H told me soon after our DS was born that he had only agreed to a second child because he knew he was going to divorce me and didn't want our DD1 to be an only child as he felt, as a single mum, my relationship with her would become "too intense and unhealthy". I redoubled my efforts in the relationship (including in the bedroom, even though DS's birth had been very traumatic and I had sever PND and truly didn't feel as sexy as before) as I loved him very much and really didn't want to lose him.

DD2's conception wasn't exactly planned but I was thrilled as I wanted a large family. Ex H was furious at first and blamed me for "seducing him" into having another child. Also the OW ditched him when she found out as he had told her that we weren't sleeping together any more.

We limped on but sex was mechanical on his part and there was no intimacy of any kind outside the bedroom which I found very isolating and difficult to deal with. Then there were physical problems after the horrific smear test, I would "tighten up" for want of a better phrase and penetration was incredibly painful. Add to that Ex H continually referring to "when we are divorced" and telling me that there was "nothing remotely loveable" about me but that he stayed because I was "durable" and he "admired" me for that (he worked away M-F so I was, in all practical terms a single mum of 3 DC, less than four years apart during the week)

All that together with an early menopause and weight gain which he used to make fun of in front of friends/guests made me eventually decide, as he refused to talk to me about the problems I felt, that I wasn't going to put myself through the humiliating and painful of ordeal (after which I was always in tears) any more.

Sorry my post wasn't meant to sound aggressive transplant, reading it back it sounds a little so. Yes I suppose discussing an issue is the grown up way to deal with a problem, but in 35 years did you bring it up at all? Did she simply say nothing? Or did she communicate the fact she didn't want sex non verbally? Either way I'm not sure that the outcome would be any different even if it was discussed.

Omigawd, personally no, I wouldn't care what the other person did, but I realise not all people would feel the same.

~Frantic your ex sounds appalling :-(

There are websites for people in sexless marriages, who want to meet up for sex with others in sexless marriages. the understanding is that these people want to remain married to their current partners,and discretion is paramount, and also both parties know that it is about sex not long term relationships. I was amazed when I found out that normal people are using these sites. but in their view it keeps the family and house together. I suspect the only person to not know is the partner who is'nt having sex.

My experience is that a marriage needs intimacy to survive as a marriage. Without that intimacy it is a friendship or a business arrangement. Intimacy is that private part of the relationship which no one else sees. The intimacy isnt necessarily all about sex but it is all about trust.

I think that it is possible to have intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy. I believe that intimacy can survive many challenges if both partners want it it to. However if both partners are not committed to that intimacy then it will fail.

Sorry, this is all a bit vague and waffly. I have been happily married for close to 20 years and as we come up to that milestone I have been thinking about marriage in general.