Loads of threads on here about her, worse since Dad died 2 years ago.
Called her tonight, got the cold shoulder, she was just telling me how down she is, how lonley she is, and what terrible dreams she is having, then she moaned for 10 mins about her Mother and her friends, then just giving me one word answers, I pushed to find out what was wrong with her and she broke into floods of hysterical tears.
She said she was so hurt that I haven't called her since Wednesday evening (used to call every day, then every other day, trying to make it less as she is so hard work) She also said I don't visit as much as I used to when dad was alive.
I rationally explained I a busy, and petrol costs alot (she lives 80 miles away and does not drive) Still, she kept on crying and saying how much I am hurting her.
I very firmly, told her that I was pissed off, and it feels like a slap in the face to here this from her. I call her at least 4 times a week and visit her once a month. We only saw her on Sunday FGS.I also firmly reminded her she only calls her Mother once a week. Because I was being firm, she the cried even more asking me why I was being so mean to her, and that she didn't it at the moment. I simply said I was defending myself as you said I don't visit or call you enough. Then the classic narc answer 'I did not say that, you are putting words in my mouth' 
Then she said she is upset as my dh is rude to her (he is blunt with her as he has witnessed 13 years of her emotionally blackmailing me and he refuses to let her get away with it, more so since Dad died)
Dh barely visits her and she is so draining, but tonight she said it must be because she lives on a council estate He has no problem with the fact of where she lives, its her behaviour he has an issue with.
Then, she said 'There's no point talking to you when you are like this' and hung up on me......
Normally, I would call her back. This time I AM NOT.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Narc Mother just hung up on ME. For once I am not calling her back. Come and join the letting hew stew thread to remind me I am not a heartless cow.....
DrNortherner · 18/06/2011 19:21
I gave in and called her. I am so upset and angry and I fucking hate her.
I called her, and we talked for a few mins abuot the cheques. When she thought the convo was about to end she curtly asked "So are you alright?" I STUPIDLY replied "Yes, are you?" to which she replied "Well of cousre I'm not, I've had a terrible few days and I thought you might have rung me" 
I firmly reminded her I called her on Sat and she hung up on me. She then told me she has not felt well, my Gran is ill, and one of my aunts has financial difficulty and has asked my Mum to lend her £200. She said she is so upset that we keep clashing like this and she doesn't understand why. She said I treat her with no respect.
Then the whammy. She sniffling and sobbing started and she said she wished she had died and not my Dad and then I'd be happy. I told her that ws a terrible thing to say. She said that because Dad and I were so close, which she said she was pleased about, she often felt excluded and jealous.
I was angry, but didn't raise my voice and told her I did not know how I was supposed to respond when she said things like that. That yes, I loved my Dad dearly, and she should say that without tagging the 'poor old me' line on the end. I told her she makes everything about herself.
She denied this and said she was not selfish as she was lending her sister £200. She also denied moping and whining all the time. So sarcastically I said I must be making it all up then, and she said yes!
Lots of other stuff was said, basically about her being so upset. And then she said something I don't think I can forgive her for. She told me that she was not allowed to grieve properly for my Dad as I sent her a card saying I was finding her emotions difficult to cope with as i was grieving too. SHE SAID I DID NOT ALLOW HER TO GRIEVE PROPERLY.
Every fucking phone call since his death practically has been made by me, I have listened to her sob, weep and wail for 2 fucking years and she has the cheek to say this to me. I have refrained from crying about Dad in front of her because she would cry even fucking louder.
She even made reference that my step MIL (who I am very fond of) told her she needed to be stronger for me (she knows how hard all this has been and knows what my Mum is like) and my Mum can't see that this was to protect me, because I was struggling. "How do you think that made me feel? "she said." I was told to stifle my emotions for you"
At this point I was getting very angry and was about to implode. I told her calmly that I was furious that she was telling me she was unable to grieve for my Dad, and that I needed to go. She just said "OK, I'll send you the cheuqe then"
Then I said I'd call her before she goes on hols, she goes on Monday. Why did I say that?
I am so so fucking angry, that I am the one aggrieved here, I am the one who had no emotional support from her, and she thinks she has not been allowed to grieve.
Sory for the swearing. Dh is out so I am alone and have noone here to rant at.
DrNo: big deep breath. All that has happened here is that your mother has behaved as she always behaves. If you are going to talk to her at all, you have to ensure that you give her no easy way in - kind of the opposite of good interviewing technique - all closed questions, no open ones. I know why you did it, you are a good person and you want to make it right. She has said some unforgiveable things to you (btw the competition over grieving rights is very familiar - my mother did this to me aged 8, and then endlessly got at me because I didn't grieve 'properly' - erm, that'd be because I was a child, point 1, and because I was desperately trying to make things better for her, point 2. Sorry: digressed 
).
I think you need to think about what you have learned, and that this might be a good point at which to scale down contact for a while. I'm not sure what you do about the promised call - I wouldn't myself not call if I'd said I would (knowing that despite everything, my mother does worry about me), but I suspect I am still not properly free, so others will probably give you more hardline advice...
Big glass or wine, or cuppa, or biscuit, or whatever you like. Crap telly. Good long run tomorrow :o
I used to smoke too; almost never miss it, except in moments like these of severe emotional stress.
Oh DrNo, that sounds so utterly utterly familiar.
My mother has told me that NO-ONE helped her when my father died (so that would have been another daughter who travelled from London to Wales every weekend for TWO YEARS when she'd only just got married then? NB I'm an only child 
) She's accused me of not helping her with the paperwork (she never asked and I never knew she was struggling with it), my uncle for not mowing her lawn for her (eh? wtf - he worked abroad in Africa for huge chunks of time back then plus she and my father had long since alienated him and he was sensible enough to stay well away), my other uncle and aunt for conspiring against her to get my grandmother to move closer to them. The list goes on and on.
I can't change her. I can only protect myself and my family.
I repeat that over and over whenever I find myself getting worked up about it. It's hard. Really hard. And it really does feel like a kind of grief, only the person you're grieving for never really existed in the first place.
I am crying because I am angry. NOT because I feel bad for upsetting her. So, that is progress.
This has been a huge dose of realisation that she does not and will not consider my feelings. My step MIL telling er to be stronger, was actually a gentle reminder that hey, your daughter has lost someone too, please remember that instead of piling all your emotional crap onto her. She even turned that into a "How do you think that made me feel" moment 
Thanks everyone, for all your input. I can't tell you how much it means.
Some things that might help for your next conversation (they were tips I picked up here and in books and have been invaluable).
Don't confront if you can avoid it - you'll only get yourself worked up and it will not change her opinions, her feelings or her behaviour.
If you see her number on caller ID, or you decide to make the call yourself, take a moment to take a few calming breaths and imagine a shield around you and that insults and nastiness will just bounce off.
As someone said above, imagine that you're a scientist studying her. If you can, a good visualisation technique is to imagine a picture of her speaking but on a small black and white portable telly with a fuzzy screen - it helps give distance (when we fret about stuff and replay arguments in our mind, it's always bright colours/surround sound cinematic quality - this just makes the distress magnified).
When she makes an outrageous attacking statement, just give unqualified agreement. It'll throw her off, especially if she's looking for a fight. Try not to sound sarcastic as you do it, though as that will inflame things (that can be hard).
Remember, in their head, they are perfect. They have to have a self-image of a reasonable person. If they make an outrageous statement take a part and repeat it incredulously. Eg. "Nobody ever helped me when your father died". Response: "Nobody? Do you REALLY mean NOBODY?".
Make use of silences. She'll use them along with guilt and obligation forcing you to fill uncomfortable silence to apologise or make the argument worse. Don't give in to it. Think of something else if you can in the silence, or practise your breathing. Let her fill it in her own time.
No is a complete sentence. Don't qualify. If you qualify she can twist it or argue against it.
And finally, imagine she is a dementor from Harry Potter (and she is really - she sucks all happiness from your life!). Find your happy thing, concentrate on it really really hard. Speak to her with a smile. Then get the hell away 
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Dr N, if your mum had npd she is in effect 'brain damaged'. She cannot feel empathy for you.
It may help you to realise that she isn't choosing to behave like this. Her brain has been wired in such a way that she cannot be the mother you want (and everyone deserves )
She is different to her sisters. I wonder if she or her mother were separated or hospitalised in her first year of life. Most personality disorders arise from disrupted attachment in the babyhood.
Although she can't feel the emotions you need her to, you can teach her not to be rude and demanding.
Look after yourself and your family, Sadly your uncle was right.
DrNortherner:
I am so so sorry that you (& so many others on here) are having to go through this kind of s..t
I too have this kind of rubbish mother & have many stories echoing what other have said & gone through .
I found that therapy/councelling help me lots!
YANBU at all - keep strong & good luck with everything.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.