When your husband told you about his affair how did you react?

[Utterlydistraught]

I have a suspicion that my husband is going to make a revelation tomorrow...

You can tell him it is over, why wait for him.

You can't fix something that doesn't want to be fixed.

Ask him straight out if he wants you to come home.

utterly I can categorically promise you that no matter how bad things look today, when you regain control over this (and it'll take a couple of months maybe more, or less) you will not know yourself. You will feel better and the world will look a better place, no matter what happens. Stay strong, you can do it.

He's lying because he wants you to be his back up plan if things do not go well with OW or because its not convenient yet to move in with OW/get a divorce etc.

You need to be strong and dignified - you won't be able to win him back if you are clingy and needy.

utterly play him at his own game. You ignore calls, make yourself unavailable when the shoes on the other foot it will be as annoyong for him as it is for you. He obviously doesn't have the courage to spit out what he wants to say. You deserve honesty.

Fucks sake. He said he'd call me later today. It's already 9pm his time, and nothing. I know he is jerking me around. I want to work things out I really do, for many reasons, but it's like he's treating me so unreasonably that he wants me to walk out on him. He's behaving like a bloody sociopath.

Ok; you have to take control of yourself, you have Dcs to look after and you will drive yourself crazy/make yourself ill.

Your DH is behaving disgustingly towards you, and you will never get a straight answer by hounding him with questions about where he is, who he is with etc, it will drive him further away as you will sound like his keeper not his partner.

A man who does not absolutely adore you is of no use to you; the relationship is dead. If he is making you miserable, by behaving unreasonably, you will feel much better if you gain some control and you tell him to ship out if he wants to fuck about.

Do it; self respect is highly empowering

I think he's doing it to push me to the edge so that we have (another) row and he can accuse me of being argumentative/angry and lay the blame at my feet. I don't think he can bear to be seen as the 'bad guy'.

I can't tell him to go jump at the moment. I suppose the best I can do is smile and nod. The cat will mew and the dog will have its day.

utterly I have sent you a pm.

Why do you want to be with a man who says he doesn't love you. It may look bleak for you now but think of the children and what you will put them through in trying to "get him back".

I would take the upper hand and say you don't want to be with a man who doesn't love you and walk away.

You will get a job in this country and make a life for you and your children.

He can tell you are desperate and knows you will lose everything and thats why he can behave so badly if you let him.

it doesn't matter what he is trying to do, what matters is what do you want to do?

What I what to do is work things out between us, but I know that of course I can't do that if I'm the only one willing.

I know people are saying 'why would you want to be with a man who doesn't love you', but this is the man that I have been with for the last ten years of my life, the father of my children, and the man, up until six weeks ago, who I would have said was the most kind, reliable, constant and loyal that I had ever known. I don't know whether he's having some kind of crisis himself, or if he's just a twat. Sadly as time goes on it's looking like the latter.

He still hasn't been in contact today (nor I with him). Not even to see how his children are. I think, even being charitable, that's rather twatish behaviour.

Some of you that my circumstances are complicated and I cannot simply tell him to fuck off, so it's hard to know how to play it.

I am getting on with my life as much as I can in the circumstances. Been finding out about lots of activities for the children in my local area (something I was unable to do in his country), and also some things for me, including joining the local rowing club (something I've never done before) -yay me!

Hello utterly.

Twats have crises too - perpetually, some of them.

You've answered your own question there though. You are doing the only thing you can right now and it's the right thing to do in the circumstances IMO. You can use this time to think and act cleverly, because you are far cleverer than he thinks you are. If he were doing what some of them do, and fucking with your mind by bombarding you with texts and calls, I think you'd know even less how to play things tbh.

Rowing sounds like an excellent (albeit, strenuous!) way of taking your mind off it all though and you'll generate some happy hormones at the same time. Keep posting too. There's some wonderful posters here, who'll offer lots by way of advice and comfort. (hugs)

In the end I realised that being alone couldn't be any worse that what he was putting me through

That's the truth of it LeQueen

Yes i aggree lequeen too.I also came to that conclusion when ex h had an affair.After torturing myself with "am i pretty enough,will he do it again,is he with me for the children,was it my fault,what must people think" ETC ETC. I realised that getting over him would be so much easier than actually continuing to live with him-putting make up on before i left work/got up-it was a fabulous and life changing decision which left me free to regain my self worth
op had a rotten day will pm you tomorrow

have you spoke to him utterly

totally agree with LeQueen. Take control and you will get results, for yourself as well. Done it myself: look at our usernames!

Sorry you've had a rotten day ledkr.

I understand what you are saying LeQueen - and it is true. I feel like I'm being tortured at the moment.

Hit another slump. Spoke to my best friend tonight who also agreed that the facebook comment looked like she was with him. He sent me a text about an hour ago asking how me and the children are (no mention of the fact that he didn't phone when he said he would). Haven't answered. He is a shit. I feel like utter shit. I've really screwed my life up (in terms of career etc). What a fucking mess.

Nothing stays the same forever, you will not feel like this forever and when you take control you will be surprised at how quickly you set in motion feeling better and better even if he isn't around

When you are over the slump with this and driving instead of being driven, change your name to UtterlyInControl

Force some cereal down,have a bath and then try to sleep,things seem so much worse when you are tired and run down,you have no idea what the future holds and you cant influence it right at this minute so take a break.
Tell yourself you are healthy and so are the children,clear your mind by visualising bad thoughts being locked away in a box and then sleep.

How's things today utterly? I hope you managed to sleep.

Listen to SirSugar, she knows what she is talking about Utterly.

He's testing the water, the spineless eejit.

good thinking ledkr!

make the decision today to be stoic and strong and not to show this guy he's beaten you, he hasn't! it takes more than a mere bloke of his kind to do that to you!

You can do this Utterly, you really can. Take charge, fake it till you make it if you have to, but get yourself into gear and start making your life the way YOU want it.

Still feeling crap this morning, although I think i am less in denial now which is probably why. Have got a referral from the doc for some counselling which should come through in a couple of weeks. It is much better to be here in the uk with my parents as at least I am with people who are actually concerned about my well being. I honestly thought I was going to go mad in his country, felt like I didn't exist. I was an in-valid person.

I know he is treating me very badly and for some reason is trying to goad me into losing my cool with him. I need to dig deep and find a serene smile in the face of it (or at least some Valium).

Thank you for your support - it really does help.

How's things? Any developments?