When your husband told you about his affair how did you react?

[Utterlydistraught]

I have a suspicion that my husband is going to make a revelation tomorrow...

If I were you, given that you strongly suspect this is coming, I'd play very cool.

First of all, think whether you're actually going to miss out on anything by being separated. Will your life be easier? It's very, very hard to live with someone who says he doesn't love you - you'll never have to do that again. Do you really want to fight to get someone to be with you who doesn't want to be with you?

I would just let him speak, say what he's got to say, then I'd say "Oh okay, that's fine" and put the phone down.

Do not react. He will feel all important. He'll feel that he's made the decision and that you yearn for him. No matter what it takes, don't tell him that it makes you unhappy.

You will be happier without him, you know. It'll be such a relief when it's over - you'll feel like you're lighter - like that first day of the holiday when you step onto the sand and realise how stressed you'd been.

Utterlydistraught before you do anything think about what you want from the future.

You can't change the past.

What do you want from your future?

A life with a man who treats you well? Then go for a divorce now.
A life free from worries about a man's infidelity? Then go for a divorce now.
A life with someone who loves you? Divorce him.

You will be happier in the future if you don't stay with him. Don't demean yourself by chasing him now. Please, take it from me, don't do that.

Bless you,what a vile cowardly moron. If it helps me and many have been in that situation,i remember thinking i would die from the terrible pain i felt and would never ever be able to live or cope without him.
I was fine,kept my house,had some fun and took my dc's on lovely holidays.I now hardly give him a second thought. You will be fine i promise,look around at people they all cope.We are here for you too.
If it makes you smile i hit my dh when he told me and i knocked out his front tooth ooops.

And DON'T phone up his mother - she disapproves of you - well fuck her. Don't ever call her again, particularly when you are at such a low point.

I have to go out now utterly but stay strong if he does cal you. Let us know what he says, we are all here to support you.

I second the not begging etc,the one thing for me was that i kept my dignity. I even smiled at the ow as i passed her shop,she was very shocked and told dh that id been in to scare her, i didnt she just didnt like the lack of drama.
Head high accept it and leave him with his guilt and regrets.You cant change his decision so at least respond in away that hes not expecting.
Or could send him a text calmly explaining that as he cant answer the phone you assume its over so could he kindly inform you as to the details of his solicitor.

If/when he tells me I feel minded to say "Well that's fine. She's welcome to you because you are a selfish, horrible person" and put the phone down.

I am a shit stirrer but I would be writing on the wall under her comment something along the lines of

I hope the good company was worth the betrayal of his wife and DC and does the good company not worry that if he can do this to them then doing it to her would be water off a ducks back (-;

So that EVERYONE on his FB knows.

Then I would be off to the nearest solicitor.

Good luck for that telephone call

I was reading a book where the man left his wife for another woman and when the two women met, the wife hugged the OW, saying "Thank you! Thank you!"

I loved that. Can you imagine how the OW would feel, thinking she'd won a prize then realising maybe it was the booby prize?

What atswim says.

Don't wait, beg, bargain, or anything else that places you at an emotional and psychological disadvantage utterly.

You only need communicate wrt to your DC's and you can keep that to a minimum. Don't do the ugly stuff, there's been enough of that sort of crap from him. Your dignity and self respect are going to carry you through.

Unfortunately you have just realised like so many of us out there, that you are married to a fool. He'll come to realise that in his own time. But for now, you have RL and us to hold your hand. And it does get better.

Please take care.

Brilliant atswim!
It is both insentitive and teenage of him to have put that up on fb, like, ''hey! look at me! I'm having a great time''.
He has a family,very young children and whatever he feels about his wife he should not be flaunting it on fb!

I wouldn't wait for him to call, or call him again.

I would take control here; a short text to say that you want no contact whatsover with him, and this will be for as long as you need. Tell him this is because you need to evaluate whether YOU see a future with him. That if he wants to enquire/speak about/to kids, he can phone your parents.

You have had enough time trying to fit in and please this "man". Now, lean on your parents, hug your kids, and let him stew.

No contact is hard to do, but worth the struggle a million times over.

And get legal advice asap.

There are some complicating factors which I don't really want to put on here because I think it makes me too identifiable (he knows I come on MN and am paranoid he will read this). Can I pm you all?!

Is your DS expecting him to call? Asking for him?
Coz if not, I really think I'd put the kibosh on that - for today.
Not for ever, but just to remind him what he's giving up.

Yes, you can pm me Utterly.

Well, he just called. Said he was hungover and has just woken up which is why he didn't pick up before. Asked him who was there last night - he said just his friend and friend's girlfriend. I said 'Not Suspected-OW then?' - he said no, absolutely not she wasn't there. I said she had put something on FB which suggested she was and he said she wasn't.

I told him that he needed to be completely honest with me and that if there was anything to tell me then I deserved to know, even if it's just as the mother of his children. Then he told me to 'stop', 'there is nothing' and started getting cross with me, so I asked him not to be like that with me because it is a genuine concern of mine given the circumstances and asked him to respect that. I've asked him to google the words 'emotional affair'. Doubt he will as he's probably too hungover to remember.

He then asked to speak to DS, which he did, only DS wasn't too interested in speaking to him and said after a couple of minutes 'I'm finished now'. H has said he will call me again later today (presumably when he's not so hungover).

I don't know what to feel.

Anyway, in mentioning the OW's name to him, if there is anything going on (or will be anything going on in the future), he knows I'm on to him.

I'm not sure that our relationship is salvageable regardless of whether he has moved on to someone else or not (in spite of my best efforts), but as I said, there are complicating factors (mainly to do with us being from different countries).

Yes you can PM me too!

I've never met Suspected OW by the way - she is someone he met through a business networking group and they sometimes meet up for lunch, ostensibly to discuss business stuff.

Does anyone know how I can do a 'group' PM?

OP do you have access to his email/ fb messages? because he'll be deleting any evidence now.

Do you have any firm proof?

utterly

When I found out I just looked at him, then said... Thank you for being honest with me. I will be leaving now.
I then went to my mothers with DD and DID NOT ANSWER MY PHONE.

You can cry all you like just do not weaken and speak to him. He will realise very very soon that he is being a prick. Then you can decide if you want him or not, but please don't make any rash decisions. Take your time to think about it, you are the one in control.

OP - What do YOU want to do now?

utterly you must be having the longest day of your life today. Can you take an hr off thinking,for example go to the cinema or have a nap.your poor brain must be on overdrive,oh yes and eat small amounts even if you have no appetite.
I remembered my best mate who is a very strong woman saying to me "OF COURSE YOU CAN COPE,YOU HAVE ARMS AND LEGS DONT YOU" it really made me smile cos she was right,he's just one of many people on this planet and altho it will take you a while you will be ok with or without him.At this stage i would definately stay cool.Fight the urge to call him again and if he calls you tell him about something funny or interesting you have done today,it really will help you if you can stay in control and maintain your composure.

No, I don't have access to his email or facebook. I did have a quick peek before I came to england but didn't find anything incriminating. Not that that means anything. It's his phone that would be key I think - he is always on it - speaking, messaging, and it is always by his side and no way I can look at it now that I am out of the country obviously.

Why lie to me though if he is having an affair? He's already said he doesn't love me and doesn't see a future for us together. Now I am back in england and out of his hair, why not just tell me it's over.

Perhaps he will later today when he's not so hungover.

I don't want to separate. I love him in spite of him being emotionally distant (and short tempered with me) over the last six weeks. I want it to work, both for myself, and also for our children. It's going to be complicated sharing custody of the children when if we are in different countries,and financially I am going to be utterly screwed as well (will get nothing according to divorce laws in his country). Gave up my career to be with him seven years ago and will be impossible to get back into (wrong age, wrong sex, highly competitive).