What mistakes did you make in previous relationships?

[Bennifer]

I suspect a lot of relationships that end, it's rarely 100% the fault of one person. We all make mistakes, and it's good that we learn from them.

In my case, I can think of four mistakes I made.

1. When we got into difficulties, I confided in friends too much (which felt like going behind exDP's back)
2. When we were unhappy, I was too indecisive to change things (we should have moved)
3. I was too indecisive at to end it properly and it lingered too long.
4. When it ended, I said some cruel things.

What mistakes have you made?

I know I can't dictate, but I'm not looking for responses like "going out with them in the first place"

I was, quite frankly, a horrible selfish cow. Very arrogant (though actually v insecure). Always looking over his shoulder (okay, not always, but towards the end) for 'something better'. I liked to blame him for stuff that was actually my fault. I thought I could do better - I thought I was worth more. I drank too much and picked fights. I was jealous of him. I nagged and bitched and undermined. I flirted with his friends. I cheated on him.

He's now happily married with a baby and a wife who appreciates him. I've learned some tough lessons in the last decade or so without him...

horrible abusive bitch to be honest. A nasty combination of that with insecurity meant i was a real pleasure to be with...

my first boyfriend says both that I was the most abusive person he'd ever met but also that he appreciated my honesty (!!) we're still friends.

I am not however friends with my ex husband. I had a bipolar breakdown at the end of my marriage and behaved appallingly. And I mean appallingly. An affair with another married man, violent mood swings (no physical violence), and dreadful abuse followed by spells in psychiatric A and E. He basically hates me now and I don't blame him; says I became someone he did not like let alone love, which is fair enough. I'll never get over my guilt at what I did, even though I did no longer love him; I should have just put up and shut up or left. The only consolation I have is that I learned a hell of a lot from my appalling behaviour and will not do anything like that again. I also got medicated finally for the bipolar which has helped with the extremes of madness.

hmmm... a really interesting thread

when i was quite young (18ish) I completely took advantage of a guy because basically I was out of his league. He was nice and a pushover and I took advantage. Nothing really horrible, but i was in school and he'd stopped at 16 and was working, so I let him pay for everything, drive everywhere, go out of his way to pick me up / drop me off, etc. I think basically my people pleasing took over, I didn't have the balls to wise up and admit I didn't like him and was never going to settle down with him, so I was sticking it out but not enjoying it, basically for the fringe benefits. I regret it now, wish I could apologise - he was clueless that I didn't actually like him that much and he thougth we'd end up married forever and ever. Broke his heart. :(

later on at uni I thought the best of someone who was tall, dark, pretty and very mysterious. I mistook his lack of communication skills for some sort of wonderously deep inner poetic life, and filled in the gaps with the most positive of possible interpretations. He'd worked out that if he kept his mouth shut he had a far better chance of ending up in bed with someone. He introduced me to thinks i'd never have tried otherwise, some of which i'm happy I experienced (like getting into the goth scene) and others of which I now regret (like getting into the S&M scene), because i wasn't 100% happy at the time but went along to please him and because i thought it was "cool". We had an on-off on-off thing for years, had a lot of fun, in some ways he was the love of my life but the person I was in love with wasn't real, he was in internal construct in my head represented by a bloke who didn't talk and happened to be good looking. then, rather horrifically, was revealed years later to have this secret stuff going on that I never knew about like being far too interested in kiddie porn. Bleurgh.

In contrast, my DH has many of the good qualities I thought that guy had (and more besides), but is actually a real person and not just in my head. He can express his thoughts, opinions, desires and preferences. Who'd have thought?

oh god i've remembered another one...now it think about theres an awful pattern in my relationship history of me being really vile to some really lovely blokes. sigh....

anyway i dated a friend of a friend back in 01 who was great and would have done everything i wanted him to. i stayed with this one much longer and really tried to be in that relationship but at the time maybe it was too safe or something - i was only 22. things just fell apart at xmas when we exchanged gifts. i had already spent hours wondering around town without a clue what to get him and settled reluctantly on a jumper. i knew it was a shit present too. he gave me a copy of my then favourite book (pretty obscure title i imagine he had ordered - this was before amazon) and a pair of tickets to go on the london eye. i realised he had listened to every word i'd said and i'd hardly heard him at all. i called it off after that and i hope it did him a favour in the long run but i still feel very guilty to the point where he was one f the very first people i searched for on fb when it first started, just because i still want to apologise for being a complete shit to him. RR, if you're out there, i'm really, really, really, really sorry - i hope you're having a wonderful life.

BooyHoo Fri 17-Jun-11 14:59:02

not leaving soon enough
not insisting on honesty when i knew i wasn't getting it
not being honest enough about my feelings for fear of the fallout.
i shouted too much when frustrated

Yup, me too.

I am a stubborn woman who married stubborn men. I don't think this should be a problem, but success depends on being able to argue constructively. I took it for granted that everyone can do this, whereas I now realise it's a rare quality.

When the arguments turned out not to be constructive, I unconsciously copied my parents and ranted, screeched & shouted

My expectations of our respective roles were not clear-cut and were insufficiently discussed. If I ever hook up with anyone again, I really will insist on regular status 'conferences'. X#2 would never have agreed to that, but that in itself would now put me off him.

Both my XHs were abusive, though they had very different styles. In relation to that, my errors were: being too compliant; trying to make a bad relationship good; pushing for honesty & respect without realising there was none to be had.

That feeling of "twisting yourself out of shape" for the sake of a happier home life is a sure sign you're making the same error, imo.

I snooped. I should have accepted that, as I didn't trust my husband, the relationship was dead.

And, I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear OP, but I set my bar muchtoo low. Perhaps it isn't obvious, but those of us who've struggled to make a bad marriage good have actually done everything in the "What to do Right" book. And it didn't - couldn't - work. That's why we say our main errors were getting into it and staying in it!

Allowing severe PMS to dictate my decision-making/choice of words in arguments.

And, ignoring my gut instincts. Time and time again, because I was too selfish/lonely/arrogant/afraid/bored/all of the above. Always came to regret it.

Bennifer, I don't feel guilt free about having basically (on one level) chosen to waste eight years of my life. Before that I wasted other years on other men who were all crap really. I think I may have swatted away a few half decent men but if it felt right it felt 'wrong'.

That's not something I feel 'guilt free' about at all. It's a bit of a weight actually. To feel that I made such a cock up of it all. I don't think it is that much different from the posts from people who realise, after their own personal eureka moment, that they treated their partners badly as a result of pms, or that sulking was a stupid waste of time. It's all self-awareness, realising what you did wrong. I certainly don't feel 'absolved' from all guilt.

I do see the distinction between 'how did you treat your partner badly' and the actual thread title, but I was answering the question in the thread.

My first love, my mistake was naivity. I thought it was my one and only chance at love, and I ignored more and more and made a fool of myself by trying to cling on to something that no longer existed. He ended it.

My second love, my mistake was trusting him when he hadn't earnt it.
I ended it, but only after I met his other girlfriend.

My third 'love' was 100% his fault. I take no blame for that one. I ended it. Yuk. Actually, I don't think I loved him.

My forth love is my DH

This thread has got me thinking....by the time I started seeing men (15 ) I'd already decided that I didn't deserve anyone nice. So everytime a nice man came anywhere near I'd treat him badly...reel him in and spit him out. So started the cycle that lasted until I was 23 and met DH. He is the nicest person I have ever met and was never put off by me trying to deter him. I warned him I would ruin his life - I haven't. We're very, very happy. It took me a long time to realise that I was worthy of it, that I deserved to be happy. Glad I got there in the end.

Putting up with being spoken to like shit
Putting up with being controlled and not being more forthcoming in making my own decisions
Relying on him too much, acting like the little woman too much

Finishing with someone i liked before he had the chance to finish with me, thus stopping myself getting hurt.

Being arrogant and stand offish for the same reason.

Being too stubborn and proud to show feelings, and pushing important people in my life away.

I'm going to go against the grain of being controlled, not standing up for myself etc and say that persinally I was selfish, I lied to people I did not have to because I was too weak, I have been unfaithful, I have had double standards and I've been indecisive which led me to become manipulative. Dp and I are coming to the end now and I am determined to stay single, learn through my sadness and treat the next one a great deal better.