What mistakes did you make in previous relationships?

[Bennifer]

I suspect a lot of relationships that end, it's rarely 100% the fault of one person. We all make mistakes, and it's good that we learn from them.

In my case, I can think of four mistakes I made.

1. When we got into difficulties, I confided in friends too much (which felt like going behind exDP's back)
2. When we were unhappy, I was too indecisive to change things (we should have moved)
3. I was too indecisive at to end it properly and it lingered too long.
4. When it ended, I said some cruel things.

What mistakes have you made?

I know I can't dictate, but I'm not looking for responses like "going out with them in the first place"

Keeping a lot of stuff bottled up and being angry about it without actually communicating it to exDP.

And what Earlybird said.

Not discovering an effective way of communicating until we could no longer communicate at all.

I am a disaster. I am a bad "picker". I confuse lust with love. I am truly, madly hopeless where guys are concerned. Unable to find the right balance between pleasing him and pleasing me. No, Dogfish, I am not faultless but just accept that the male fraternity is very happy without me. I concentrate on having a good life and a good laugh and have learnt do without a guy in my life at all.

Gawd, pretty much all of the above and more besides

5 years into an abusive relationship I started an emotional affair. I didn't realise that was what it was back then, just that I had found a supportive friend who I eventually fell for. It did have a long-lasting positive effect on me, but if it hadn't gone in that direction I think we might still be friends.

The person that I am now would never do that.

I gave myself to him 100%. Biggest mistake you can make, in my experience.

I can be emotionally cold and find it hard to let men into my heart. I was/am too independent from my H. Yes, he has his faults, many of them, but I become emotionally distant and shut down and hide away rather than confronting or discussing matters in a mature manner. I can also be too defensive and very black and White about things. Marriage is now on it's last legs tbh.

OP- why do you want to know? Are you in a relationship now?

I still feel guilty about it now, despite the way my exP treated me.

You shouldn't, laz

Strawberryjelly, yes I am. I just thought it was interesting. I'm repeating myself, but I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to own up to the mistakes we've made in relationships, and we must have made them

What I was trying to get at is that we hear a lot of stories about what the other party did wrong, but rarely read about we did wrong (other than not recognise that the other party was doing wrong).

Dogfish, you obviously haven't been in a relationship with a sap like I was. I would have tried to accommodate your selfishness 100%. That is a fault. It's not 'faultless'. It's not believing you are totally without fault.

There are some people who are inclined to be givers in a relationship. There are some people who are inclined to be takers in a relationship. YOu put those two together and one person will eventually be sucked dry.

If you don't understand this, fine, but don't mock what you don't understand.

Bennifer, I think you lack the awareness to believe that there are different types of mistakes. Your looking for a particular type of mistake that fits your mold. Or a mistake you personally find interesting.

Life's not like that. Sorry my mistakes don't comply with your strict thread criteria, but they were my mistakes. Having no respect for yourself is a mistake, just the same as losing your temper too quickly is a mistake.

Bandwitch, I can see where you're coming from and I think it's important what you're saying. But it's a bit like being asked what are your faults in an interview, and saying, "sometimes I'm just too nice" or "I'm just too much of a perfectionist". It's a little guilt free (IYSWIM)

Bandwitch, I appreciate they're mistakes. I did start the thread to find particular mistakes that fit a mould, true. Can you see the difference at what I'm getting at though?

Anyway, I'm not the thread police.

Perhaps the question should be "how did you treat your partner badly?" rather than "how did you treat yourself badly?" That's the distinction I was aiming for. I'm aware of the range of mistakes

The mistakes I made included being too needy and not having enough self esteem or self respect.

I would do anything I could to "get the man" - which often made them run.

i only had 2 long term relationships before I got married 27 years back- and they ended for reasons not connected with how either of us behaved.

I had loads of short term boyfriends however, and the mistakes I made were usually by being too transparent about my feelings too soon.

This is very different though to analysing how you behave when you are in a relationship with someone long term.

Not showing enough interest in husbands friends and family and being to independant/seperate from him. i.e, not sharing his life. Is that a fault?

Deep breath ,

I have previously been a real lazy bastard . I have taken advantage of his nature and pretty much let them do all the domestic shitwork . I have on occasion pretended to be ill so i didnt have to do it , and ive also pretended to be asleep when i wasnt to get out of it

Ive also been exceptionally verbally abusive , and on occasion seriously violent . This was in response to abuse , but still , something i regret .

Ive been thoughtless , very selfish , and the usual not having boundrys ect.

thank you for this thread bennifer. it is good to be able to admit our faults and not be judged or attacked for it. so often on MN we feel we have to justify why we have done things but i am glad thsi trhead hasn't taken off like that. i hope it helps other posters come to accept their own faults and realise that they are only human.

I must admit, I thought I might get slated for my 'confession'. I do feel sorry for the people who were aware of what was going on. I was insecure and needy and acted selfishly, made excuses and justified my behaviour. Maybe it is time to accept it for what it was and let it go. (It was 18 years ago after all).

Thank you Any Fucker

crispy i did that too WRT dropping all my own interests and being permanently available for when he was bored with his.

being a total idiot.

back in 2007 i was on what i'd call a total boy binge. i'd split with a long term dp the year before and just stumbled from one bloke to the next, all of whom unsuitable (sometimes their fault/sometimes mine etc) until i'd just had enough of all the bollocks. if i'd had any sense i would have started saying thansk but no thanks every time a bloke asked me out but i'm not that sensible and carried right on - think i was a bit scared if i didnt keep dating then i'd end up alone (at 28 ffs). i met a bloke who owned his own independent travel agent towars the end of this period. on paper he was everything i'd want in a man (still would be if i was single); freakishly tall (i need to wear heels), funny, liberal and charming not not cringey and we had loads in common. we went out on a date and had a cracking laugh but in the taxi home i got very negative. when we said goodbye outside my flat i just started panicking that he wnated to kiss me andi think all of this dating bollocks caught up with me there and then and i just though 'i cant do this anymore, i cant be fecking bothered, its all just bullshit' so i patted him on the thigh and said 'well that was nice i'llcall you' and leapt out of the cab. my friends laughed hysterically at the leg patting - so did my now dh who i was best friends with at the time.

travel agent man dutifully called and texted and i ignored him. after a few weeks i got an email along the lines of 'look right whats going on - we had a great time and now you're ignoring me' - i deserved a lot worse. i still couldn't bring myself to really explain, it really was a 'not you its me' moment but i thought he wouldn't beleive me and be insulted so i left it (as far as i can remember)

i saw a guy in town recently, thought to myself god he's a bit of a dish, looked more closely and realised it was travel agent man.

i'm more than happy with dh but i do wonder what could have been with travel agent man if i'd given him a chance.