Stepdaughter telling lies - why?

[sparklingchampagne]

Am feeling a little upset at the moment.
SD has told her Mum lots of things that aren't true. For example, she has said she hates sharing a bath with DD (6)- but they haven't shared a bath together for over 2 years; she has said she doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as DD - but she goes to bed 45 mins after DD; she says she hates the clothes she has to wear - but SD chooses her own clothes (I even took her shopping at half term for her to choose more); she says she hates the food - but both girls help me to plan and cook what we're eating here.

When SD is here we don't have any problems and all get on well, we do lots of things altogether, and SD appears to be really happy.
So I don't understand why she has told her Mum these things that aren't true.

Any ideas? DH is going to have a chat with SD about th eimportantce of telling the truth, but I can't understand why she's said these things!

how do you know what she has told her mum?

Playing one off against the other.

Or maybe she believes her mum doesn't want to hear she had a good time at her dad's, so drags up anything non-ideal from the past so she will have something to sound negative about.

We know what she's told her Mum as her Mum has phoned DH and told him.
I agree that she's playing them off against each other, but it really worries me that she's telling lies.

dad needs to talk to his daughter, ask what she been saying, ask her if she has any problems being around her half sister etc and what you can do to help make it better . open communication

what mum says SD says is third hand anyway. do you know what Sd really said?

how did mum call the dad? ranting - why are you making DD have bath with half sister? or in rational "hey you ought to know she is saying this" way?

how your h and his ex get on and discuss these things is relevant.

How old is she?

It could well be that she is just trying to keep all the adults in her life happy, telling her mum what she thinks mum wants to hear (that it's horrible at your house) rather than lying maliciously/manipulatively.

Children whose parents have split can feel a lot of responsibility for their parents' happiness.

i dnt think is so much about telling the truth but about you all being open about the relationship your SD has with all of you and seeing what can be done to address any issues and why she may or may not be feeling unhappy.

and if she says no she is happy then is problem between her and the mum really -that she feels she needs to say negative things to make mum happy.

maybe you could all sit down and talk together ?

Thanks for your replies.
Her Mum phoned DH and said 'You need to sort out this and this or I'm not letting her come over any more' - so yes, not good communication between DH and his ex. They both have PR, but this threat from SD's Mum comes every couple of months.
If it's true that she's trying to keep her Mum happy, how horrible that what makes her Mum happy is hearing SD saying she's unhappy at ours.
DH is going to have a chat with SD this weekend.

difficult...he needs to ask open ended questions, let his DD talk - try find out subtly what is going on here . how she feels about everything . the divorce, her mother, her half sister etc

not go in guns blazing "you mustnt lie " etc.

he needs to let her know she can talk to him about anything. might take few weeks ...

is she doing ok at school?

Rather than looking at it like that how about she is trying to reassure her mum she doesn't love being at yours more than her mums. She's in a really tough position especially if her parents have a really tough position.

Sd and DH have a very good relationship, and he will be very gentle!
Her Mum and Dad split up before she was 1, so a long time ago now.
She's doing fine at school, although has always been very quiet and underconfident, but we work on stuff together and her confidence is building slowly.

How old is she? Glad to hear that your DH has a good relationship with her. I agree with the others, she is probably feeling torn loyalty. Some step children (now adults) have posted here and shared how they felt as children, they often felt the need to lie to mum about visiting dad.Agree with cestlavielife, that it may take a few weeks to sort as SD will need to digest and understand her feelings. An approach to take is maybe to say to her that it's OK for her to be happy in each of her parents homes. Both parents want her to have a good relationship with each parent - see if she believes this to be the case.

Also what is happening at her mum's house, has their been any changes?

As far as we aware, there haven't been any changes at her Mum's house.
Her mother can be quite volatile at times, and will threaten no contact/dictate when DH can see his DD etc, so there isn't a particularly good relationship between DH and his ex.
DH and I have always worked really hard to ensure SD feels she can chat about things with us, but I am aware that she's been told on some occasions that she 'isn't allowed to talk about' certain things with us by her Mum.

In that case (not allowed to talk about certain things, threats about contact), I'd seriously think whether the XW is dragging up stuff from years ago to cause trouble.

Your DH needs to have a very gentle chat with his DD, and not accuse her of anything. If you accuse her of lying, and it gets back to her mum, it could well get you mixed up in some trouble of her making. Be very careful.

We certainly wouldn't accuse her of lying, but I think it needs to emphasised that we talk to each other if we're unhappy about things, and that telling the truth is always the best thing to do.
DH and I are lucky enough not to work weekends so we get to spend time altogether as a family, and yes, we share childcare completely (I know I'm lucky :) )

does her Mum tell lies? - lying is quite contagious and learned behaviour....suffering something similar with DSS at present.

I said I cook with the girls when they're here - because I love cooking. SD does a load of stuff with DH too though.
And yes, she has told lies as I said above, but that doesn't mean that we would say that to her face. We need to know what the problem is that's made her do this and resolve it together.

First thing is not to take it personally as its more common than you think.

It can be difficult for children moving between families and she probably has got it into her head that she can't let her mum know that she enjoys being with her dad in case it upsets her, or perhaps it makes her feel disloyal to her Mum by having a good time, so she lies and makes out that things aren't that great.

Its probably a good idea for your DH and probably her mum as well to talk to her and let her know that its not disloyal to her Mum to have a good time with you and her Dad.

and if it helps, I suspect from your post that she is trying to 'please' what sounds like a nasty and unreasonable Mum, and she really doesn't mean any of this, she sounds very happy with you both. If her Mum says things about your DH it makes her life easier if she goes along with the 'life is tough at Dad's house' line. Just pleasing her Mum.

well the OP did that herself, not me. And I said 'sounds like', and she does, from the OP. You don't agree that threatening to withhold access is nasty and unreasonable, dittany?

We're not focussing on the lies.
We're wanting to find out what the problem is that's made her do this, and resolve the prblem together.

I don't want this to turn into a thread attacking me or her Mum.
I was asking for advice on how to find out what the problem is for a little girl who deserves to be happy, and thank you to those (many :) ) of you who have helped me see the different persepectives.