Stepdaughter telling lies - why?

[sparklingchampagne]

Am feeling a little upset at the moment.
SD has told her Mum lots of things that aren't true. For example, she has said she hates sharing a bath with DD (6)- but they haven't shared a bath together for over 2 years; she has said she doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as DD - but she goes to bed 45 mins after DD; she says she hates the clothes she has to wear - but SD chooses her own clothes (I even took her shopping at half term for her to choose more); she says she hates the food - but both girls help me to plan and cook what we're eating here.

When SD is here we don't have any problems and all get on well, we do lots of things altogether, and SD appears to be really happy.
So I don't understand why she has told her Mum these things that aren't true.

Any ideas? DH is going to have a chat with SD about th eimportantce of telling the truth, but I can't understand why she's said these things!

oh goodness. I am sorry if I have offended you dittany, or not helped you OP. It seems to me that from what you say of her mother it may be that your SD seeks to please someone who she finds hard to deal with and that that may lie at the root of the problem, that she is unhappy because of that. I was not making a generalised attack on all ex-partners. Apologies.

onclefestere, you have helped me, thank you, as it's important to look at all perspectives.

I apologise if this rankles anyone, but are you absolutely sure that she is saying these things, and they aren't stored up from years ago and the creations of someone with a point to prove? (Who may be very unhappy and needing help etc).

How old are they?

It might be best for the dsd to get some counseling. Even just 3 or 4 sessions might be enough to support her experience and guide her thought processess.

I am thinking along the lines of Annie and Rita. She can not develop in a healthy way if she feels responsible for her mother's happiness. She may be at the stage of asserting her own identity and that will be royally screwed if this is left to fester without guidance and nurturuing.

It is good that you and your dh will talk with her about it. But sometimes -more psychological dynamics- a child will not/can not take instruction from parents, thus the suggestion for professional counselor.

I wonder if your DP's ex is unhappy and your DSD is aware of this. Her lies are a way trying to help her mum feel better.

My DP and his ex also split when his DS was 1. When his ex is going through a rough patch in her life (such as a relationship breakdown), his DS also has a rough patch. During one very rough patch, he didn't tell his mum about his time with us. We don't know if that was because it was forbidden or because he keeps his live in strict compartments (which he does a bit anyway). His school teachers knew all about what he did with us. Meanwhile, he was happy when he was with us, albeit with some signs of anxiety.

Some people can become nasty and unreasonable when they are unhappy.

DSS went through a similar stage, however DH and his ex have a civil relationship. Basically he was telling fibs to both, telling DH that mum said he could do/have this, when she hadn't (DH would call his ex to check) and then he would also tell his mum that DH had let him do this or not let him do that - again, DH's ex would call DH to verify. In the end it took both of them to sit down with him and tell him that this behaviour was not acceptable and that he would get caught out! For him it was because he was testing boundarys.

If your DH does not have a good relationship with his ex, he needs to start developing one - the past is the past and they don't have to like each other but they need to be civil to each other for the sake of their dd. I suspect that other posters are right and she picks up on her mum's dislike of her dad and is therefore trying to make it seem that she doesn't have fun with her dad to ensure her mum's feelings aren't hurt.

I'm not sure what you can do to help, I think you are doing a great job in making a welcoming home for your DD but it is up to your DH to sort the truth from the lies and to try and find the reason why she is doing this.

My fiancée and I had a devastating row ruining what would otherwise was a great Xmas. We live together with her daughter (my stepdaughter) full time. She is 7. My daughter lives with her mother (8yrs old) and is with us most weekends and half of all holidays. My relationship with my stepdaughter is great. Very proud that she feels she can call me daddy. its not always easy of course but my fiancee and i have done our best to understand things as we have gone along and work together to ensure a happy loving home. We still have the odd disagreement over rolls and responsibilities etc. and mistakes have been made. neither of us sure sometimes of the best way to act.

Back to my Fiancée, she has worked very hard over the Xmas holidays to ensure that neither of our daughters feels outdone by the other (a common balancing act). In fact she is always conscious that the two feel equally loved. She often feels that this love is not reciprocated by my daughter in the someway I am loved by hers. My daughter was given a mobile phone as a gift. My fiancée was horrified to find a string of text messages on it to her maternal mother that were essentially lies indicating that she was having a terrible time for one reason and the next. It instantly broke my Fiancées heart. It's not the first time we have encountered this and my Fiancée feels gutted by this following all of the efforts made to ensure a special Xmas period. We both work very hard in our careers and work very hard at maintaining our "modern day" family. Heart breaking. I strongly told my daughter off ending by telling her I was extremely disappointed with her and that lies are never acceptable etc. I left her to sleep crying without even saying good night (this now breaks my heart as I think that this was a terrible way for me to react). Not knowing what to do or say about the situation to get under the skin of it all. I let my emotions rule my head. Now I'm completely distraught as I feel my whole family slipping away...

Harrisd This is a very old thread and the people who originally posted on it 18 months ago probably won't see your post.

It would probably be better to start a new thread if you want advice about your situation.

You should talk to your dd again. As you know, it was very wrong to leave her to cry herself to sleep. Tell her how sorry you are.

She's only 7 and she's pulled in two directions. Of course it's hurtful to have her pretending to her mother, but the step-parent just has to suck it up a bit. It's not about hurting you & your fiancee, she's just telling her mum what she thinks she wants to hear.

I've just made the same post on another thread. SD is telling her mother what she thinks her mother wants to hear. That you have not userped her mothers place. She is jealous of another child having time with her father.

how old is she?

Tell her to turn the phone off whilst in your company. It is your time your having with her . The child is possibly to young to have learned any eti quette regarding texting and personal stuff anyway .

I think you are already doing the right things OP. It can be really hard for children to navigate their way though all these relationships.

It sounds like she is trying to reassure her mother here by belittling the relationships at your house. What you don't (or ever will know) is how much of ths was prompted by her mother and in what context.

Quite frankly I think you have to suck it up. Your DH can have a gentle word but I would be wary of applying too much pressure to DSD. Better he speaks to ex more frankly to try and understand why DSD may be saying these things (as best as he is able given the state of the relationship).

All you can do is your very best to make DSD feel loved and welcome when she is with you and feel reassured that you know the truth of the situation. Ultimately DSD will develop her relationships based on love, support and compassion so keep providing this and try and put what is being said to her mother to one side.