DP came home drunk, swearing at me. I feel very sad.

[DreamingOfCake]

I'm just having a little cry. DP came home drunk and just started being really unpleasant. First he slapped me really hard on the bum twice, I winced out loud both times and said that he'd really hurt me and told him not to do it again. He said sorry over and over.I said fine, don't keep going on about it.
Then a minute or two later he just went ballistic because I'd forgotten to turn the heating off- it's on a timer and I had put it on for an hour last night to try and get some clothes dry, forgotten to turn it off again so it had come on for an hour again tonight. Started calling me a f-ing idiot, f-ing mental, what the f is wrong with me etc. I asked him once to stop swearing at me and being so aggressive. That made him more mad, carried on ranting at me calling me a f-ing d-head etc.
I then went into the spare room without saying a word, when he asked why I said I was going to sleep there because he was being unpleasant. He then started ranting about how he'd "made a note of this" and why the f- was I turning this round to be his fault.
He's stopped now, fallen into a drunken sleep I think. I'm wide awake in the spare room, crying. He doesn't realise how horrible he is and will only give me a vague apology late on ithe next day. He doesn't remember how poisonous he's been. And then I wonder if I'm overreacting, is this just drunken bloke behaviour. I'm writing him an email detailing what he's done which I'm going to send him in the morning in an attempt to make him aware of what he's been like. I'm just feeling really sad.

This won't sound nice, but you said it yourself - thank goodness you don't have children with this man. It might only be 5% of the time he's like this, but you've only been together two years. What would he be like five or ten years down the line when you've got kids and mortgage and day-to-day stresses together?
And how would you feel if it was you and your terrified child cowering in a bedroom jumping every time he wakes or stirs? Also, 12 times in 2 years probably impacts on far more than 5% of your relationship, or more importantly your feelings of self-worth and being valued.

My partner is a pain in the arse when he's drunk - he either gets maudlin or gets rather argumentative, and we've had arguments when he's had too much, but if they included him calling me names and making me hide in another room, he'd be long gone, no matter how bloody wonderful he might be the rest of the time. You deserve better, and unless your partner is willing to admit he has a real problem and seek help for it, you'd be better off clearing a space in your life for a decent relationship. Hugs to you.

And btw it is not a 'normal drunk bloke behaviour'. When my DP gets a bit drunk he's even nicer than he is usually (and he is a v.nice person).

I've been in an abusive relationship before and trust me, it will NOT get better.

Please don't stay with an asshole who calls you a fucking idiot.

If you love him, thats fine, at least you know you love ( he has a funny way of showing his ) and only give your love to people who deserve it, friends family who actually care about you

who the hell is he anyway?

Dreaming it is awful. I have been with DH for 23 years and he has never behaved like that. It's not normal really and only you can decide what the best thing is to do. I know what most of us would say

Of course he's nice most of the time, and "it's not like this every day". Otherwise he wouldn't have got his hooks into you, you would never stick around.

It's called the cycle of abuse.
The nice phases get shorter and shorter.

I am scared Funnys. I am scared he is going to come back in because his words really hurt me. And I am scared that I am questioning myself so much because I don't know if I am making a mountain out of a molehill or if it is really horrible.

Once a month?????
That is very often, you know.
And it will become more and more often, I can promise you that.
But even if it won't, this guy does not respect you in the least. Normal men don't call their partners names.

Its really horrible - fact

i am sorry but something does not ring true here.....

It IS really horrible.
If my DP called me a fucking idiot ONCE, I would be seriously questioning our relationship.
It is NOT a normal behaviour.

why Ruth

No, it's really horrible, not a mountain out of a molehill.

Why not (if you can get out safely) get in the car and drive to a friend's or family member? You shouldn't be living in fear.

You can come back tomorrow and pick up your stuff.

You are NOT making a mountain out of a molehill.

He is being abusive towards you. Verbal abuse is horribly damaging. You don't have to put up with it, even if it's not every night of the week. That kind of behaviour is never, ever justifiable.

I feel so sorry for you Dreaming, you deserve better. Don't carry on living like that and being scared. You shouldn't have to you know

I have to go to bed - take care of you; don't put up with it

Thank you again for the further responses. It feels helpful to hear what my own voice in my head should be saying to me. I think I've had my head in the sand a bit- thinking that it's just going to be a horrible aspect of our relationship that is going to pop up every now and again. But I just don't think I can manage it like that. I don't want to be laid in bed, rigid with nerves waiting for him to come back from nights out. I never saw that for myself and I don't want it.

I think it would do you good to start making secret plans for a new life apart. It will make you feel stronger and put a distance between you and him.
Btw when he get's up tomorrow, don't tell him that you've been on a website where lots of women have agreed that he's wrong to do this. When he's next drunk he'll use it to belittle you.

Oh dear it's midnight, I'm sorry I better try and sleep, I have a horrible day at work tomorrow and I'm not going to do myself any favours by staying up all hours. It has been very nice in a way to hear from those of you who have said that your DP/DH would never be like this, even when drunk. It's nice to know that there are relationships like that. Time for some thinking to be done. I know I've said it a few times but I really do appreciate all these posts, I don't want to waste anyone's time, I know everyone has talked absolute sense and it is down to me to choose whether to act on that sensible information. I know that, I do. I think I just need to go away and think about things. It seems clear that everyone agrees that this is not ok behaviour, even if infrequent. I am really sorry, I don't want to seem like I'm 'running' away, I don't want to irritate anyone but at the same time I think you've all told me the right stuff and I need to decide what to do with all that insightful advice. I'm feeling a bit wobbly and I'm a bit frightened posting about something so personal, you know what if someone recognises me, I'm getting all paranoid and even thinking what if DP goes on mumsnet and finds my thread, I just want to go off and have a think about things. Sorry I know I'm rambling, I just don't want to annoy anyone whos taken the time to comment on my posts and say kind things. thank you

Best of luck, OP, I hope you can come to a decision which leads you to the happiness you should be having in life.

Dreamingofcake,

You wrote this earlier re his drunken behaviour:-

"Maybe 12 times in the 2 years we've been together"

So that is twice a month each month for the two years you've been together so once every 2 weeks in other words.

You have buried your head in the sand for a long time; time now to listen to the voice in your head properly; the one that is saying to you that you really do not deserve this treatment from a man with an alcohol problem.

You are not responsible for him only your own self. Do not let your own self down or be brought down by such a manchild. You do not have to be with such a man.

This situation will get worse if you stay and have children together and it will be so much more difficult for you to get out of then. It is not healthy or normal and you cannot change him. Please get out now before things get harder for you. Verbal and emotional abuse is not forgivable and drunkenness is not forgivable. You do know that it is abuse don't you. That he is out of his head on alcohol and doesn't remember does not change that. By staying with him you are not looking at a good future. You will affect your own mental health and you will end up codependent. Look it up. It is not good. You will lose yourself.

Dreaming, my exH was like this and I'm sorry to say the level of violence escalated. When he came in drunk, if I ignored him I was a "sullen bitch" if I spoke to him about anything he would shout at me. Then he started throwing things at me, then the hitting started.

I took the view that his inner basic character came out when he was drunk, and as he continued on a regular basis to drink then he had no love or respect for me, in fact I don't think he actually even liked me.

Fortunately we had no children together so it was easier to part.

3.5 years after we split I married a wonderful man whom I have happily been with for 30odd years. When my current DH drinks too much he falls asleep and snores very loudly!!

Please don't let it go on, it really isn't worth it, and although its tough to make the decision to split don't let him continue to blight your life you will only end up full of regret and bitterness.

I've been through what you are going through. I had small children at the time, so leaving an abusive partner (husband), whilst of course the obvious, and only solution, was horrible.

I understand entirely how you look at the 95% that is fine. (Is it really?) and measure it against the 5% bad. But I imagine that there are many days in the month when there is part of you that is already tense and waiting to see if this is the day that he comes home drunk and abusive. And worried that if this is the day, maybe frightened that the abuse will escalate: because unfortunately it will escalate and become more frequent.

You say: "I am a bit worried that he will totally lose it and perhaps physically hurt me one day." He is ALREADY hurting you, and it sounds like you are already living in fear.

It's easy for everyone to say: "just leave" and whilst of course it's the obvious answer, I can understand why you haven't already. I understand your attempts to rationalise your partner's behaviour. I found it difficult to to acknowledge i had chosen, and love(d) a partner who was abusive. It's emotionally complex.

But, he has made you the repository of his inadequacies. This pattern of behaviour towards you will continue, until you interrupt it - by leaving. (He will only accept he has a problem when he's ready and you can't help him with that).

I don't know if you would call your partner 'charming' at times. I was married to a charming man. Life and soul of the party. But there came a point when he was not that man at home. I'd recommend an excellent book, which any woman who has a controlling partner would benefit from:

Power & Control: Why charming men make dangerous lovers by Sandra Horley

Make a plan to leave. Set a date, which could be very soon.
Talk to people you trust and/or Refuge type helpline
They will want to support you and help you FEEL SAFE
Decide who you can stay with for the next few days/weeks -
and leave.

Just imagine being able to breathe easily again, without a knot in your stomach.

If you feel you need some courage to leave, then find someone to hold your hand and BE BRAVE.
Take care. You can be free and safe again.

I read on a web page somewhere yesterday, alcoholics are often charming. They are the life and soul and outgoing. I now see that as a derogatory term.

Actually just google "alcoholic and charming" and one of the first things that comes up is 'Many alcoholics are charming, persuasive and articulate.' and 'Charming is the word for Alcoholics from Liberty Magazine-1940'

abusive people, bullies - they never abuse 24/7. they are also charming and nice and persuasive . it doesnt make up for it tho.

you need to break it off and leave