DP came home drunk, swearing at me. I feel very sad.

[DreamingOfCake]

I'm just having a little cry. DP came home drunk and just started being really unpleasant. First he slapped me really hard on the bum twice, I winced out loud both times and said that he'd really hurt me and told him not to do it again. He said sorry over and over.I said fine, don't keep going on about it.
Then a minute or two later he just went ballistic because I'd forgotten to turn the heating off- it's on a timer and I had put it on for an hour last night to try and get some clothes dry, forgotten to turn it off again so it had come on for an hour again tonight. Started calling me a f-ing idiot, f-ing mental, what the f is wrong with me etc. I asked him once to stop swearing at me and being so aggressive. That made him more mad, carried on ranting at me calling me a f-ing d-head etc.
I then went into the spare room without saying a word, when he asked why I said I was going to sleep there because he was being unpleasant. He then started ranting about how he'd "made a note of this" and why the f- was I turning this round to be his fault.
He's stopped now, fallen into a drunken sleep I think. I'm wide awake in the spare room, crying. He doesn't realise how horrible he is and will only give me a vague apology late on ithe next day. He doesn't remember how poisonous he's been. And then I wonder if I'm overreacting, is this just drunken bloke behaviour. I'm writing him an email detailing what he's done which I'm going to send him in the morning in an attempt to make him aware of what he's been like. I'm just feeling really sad.

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

How DISGUSTING. What a fucking idiot. What possible reason coulc there be to stay with someone so abusive?! "I'm making a note of this!" What a twat. In my opinion, he is someone who has fucked up in the past and his only way of facing it is to make someone else feel humiliated/small. Please - it is better to be on your own than with a total dick who wil, in all probability, physically hurt you :-(

[Lizzabadger]

Two options:

1. Leave (Women's Aid can help)
   
2. Stay and have a lifetime of misery

[ComradeJing]

Do you want children? You said it yourself, "We don't have children, thank goodness." Get rid of this vile man and go and find someone who will treat you as you should be treated. No one - NO ONE should be called names, sworn at, or belittled.

Best wishes Dreaming, I do hope you find your way out.

[xkittyx]

Please leave him. He is already physically abusing you (the slaps on your bottom). Testing the waters to possibly escalate the physical abuse. The whole thing is so far from normal and healthy. And 12+ times in two years is a lot, it must be spilling over to more than 5% of your life. What about the other periods of time when he is not aknowledging/minimising what he has done?
You have only been with him two years and have no children. Leave. Seriously. Don't set yourself up for years more misery and fear.

[PeepToes]

Hi

My H was just like that - a monster when drunk, fine when sober. But normal people do not behave like monsters when drunk - the monster's there already.

Look up the womans aid website, read the Lundy Bancroft book (I shall look up the title as I have forgotten it) and you'll soon see his behaviour is not normal - he's abusive. And that it's not acceptible.

I left mine and went back as he swore he'd stopped drinking, and the fact that I have 3 pre-school age kids. 5 months down the line, the drinking has started to creep back, and he's still losing his temper etc etc.

I now see that his behaviour hasn't changed, that he doesn't recognise it as an issue, and that for my own sanity, I have to leave again (which I did 3 days ago).

It's tough. I kept diaries and re-reading them realised this drunken behaviour had been going on for years, and that things would never change.

So I suppose you have to decide what your bottom line is. As long as you're supported, and know that things will be hard whatever you do. And remember that only you can make the decision, and it has to be right for you. It's ok to be undecided - it's the contemplative stage of the cycle of change, but it's the most uncomfortable one.

Thinking of you. Be strong.

[Snorbs]

My ex was very much like this at first (albeit with the sexes reversed). As the years went on the drinking, and the abuse, got worse. Drink problems often get worse as the years roll by.

The bottom line here is that he knows that he often treats you badly when he drinks yet he continues to drink. Which means that alcohol is more important to him than you are. I'm sorry to be that blunt but that really is what it boils down to.

If I turned into a nasty arsehole when drunk then I would make damn sure I never got drunk. Booze isn't vital for life after all. If eating custard turned me violent then I'd stop eating custard. It's that simple.

I agree with the others here who say that people with drink problems can be extremely charming and are often a lot of fun to be around. In small doses. There's a big difference between meeting up with a charming drunk every now and then in the pub and having a laugh, and actually living with one 24/7. I wish I'd known that difference before I got together with my ex.

There are few more horrible and miserable experiences than raising children with someone with an drink or drug problem. Please, in the name of all that you hold precious, don't get pregnant with this man.

[PeepToes]

dreaming the book is entitled "Inside the minds of angry and controlling men".

I agree with snorbs - avoid pregnancy. It will further complicate things for you.

[atswimtwolengths]

Attila where did you study maths!

You say:

"You wrote this earlier re his drunken behaviour:-

"Maybe 12 times in the 2 years we've been together"

So that is twice a month each month for the two years you've been together so once every 2 weeks in other words."

No - twice a month would be 48 times in 2 years.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

ASTL: It's still too many times. More than once is too many times. Regular incidents of drunken abuse that start getting more frequent (it was once a year, now it's every six months, now it's every couple of months, etc...) are increasingly dangerous.

[Longtalljosie]

If this only happens when he's very drunk (ie, he's never abusive when he's sober) he needs to accept this is part and parcel of who he is and deal with it accordingly. He may like going out and getting pissed but if it leads to him being abusive (when he isn't at other times) he needs to accept he can't do this any more. I don't mean, never drink, but I do mean radically cut back.

If he can't radically cut back, he is an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking completely.

Once a fortnight is a regular part of your life. How much does he drink when he drinks?