What's more important: emotional intimacy or someone who you are utterly comfortable with?

[namechangexx]

Just comparing my current dp - he's very witty, very entertaining, very knowledgeable and we get on very well and I can totally be myself around him. However, he has never been a great 'romance' for me although sex is good and he has never wanted us to get married (for various reasons).

with my ex - total romance, he was my 'soulmate', mutual infatuation, wanted to marry me, sex was incredible. We split cos we got together too young and I wanted other experiences. However, he was more conventional and conservative than my dp and that used to get on my nerves a bit!

Why couldn't I get both?? Am I being greedy? I miss/crave the emotional intimacy I got from my ex.

I've recently realised my dh doesn't do talking about feelings and I've frustrated myself many times by wanting or expecting it. Luckily I have lots of friends to talk about feelings with and with dh I have a laugh and do things, have a wonderful time as a couple and as a family and have great sex. We might read poetry together, but lengthy emotional chat we don't have.

I just don't know if I can handle the relationship extremes myself- even though I've walked right into them.

on my best days with DP I'm so in love and lust I'm high as a kite and on the worst I've walked out of my own house to get away from him (he doesn't live with me btw). I feel more lust for him than I thought was possible for me and he is sensitive, emotional, everything my previous partners weren't. However, unlike them he is also demanding, needy and bloody practically USELESS which drives me nuts.

I like to think if I could chill out and he could grow up a bit we could have one of these ideal LeQueen type relationships but I don't see it happening right now :( Maybe one day when I chill out, and he grows up a bit...

I'd settle for day to day companionship with someone with no soul searching emotional ups and downs and bog standard sex!

I have a bloomin rollercoaster with a jekyl and hyde type character at the moment currently in the process of reshuffling i.e. considering splitting. Sex is great (best ever) but you know its just not worth being strung out from not knowing what the guys reactions are going to be mr nic or mr nasty or mr stonewall for days

best thing....look at your relationship and write a list of all the loveliness you have and remember nothing is perfect. If its not abusive and the guys lovely then a lil tweak here and there through a lil gentle discussion might bring some of the boring bits to a more sparkly level for you.

I feel like I have both. The person I have felt safest and most loved by in my whole life is also the person I am most breathlessly in love with and have the most intense sexual connection with. Then afterwards we can sit and watch shite dvds and bicker over the crisps.
Disclaimer - I'm not long married so I'm a bit vom-inducing just now.

I think I'm giving the impression that dp and I get on brilliantly which we don't tbh. We are v comfortable with each other but will bicker/argue a lot as we're both v opinionated. :) This extends to how we bring up the dc too. I actually felt more at peace with my ex who generally disliked arguing (but wasn't as open as dp).

It's easy to say think before you marry but generally people end up in situations that they think are right for them at the time. Then you have a magnitude of responsibilities and maybe things aren't the same anymore but that doesn't change those responsibilities.
I'm sounding dull I know.

it's a little unfair on your DP to compare him to your X I think.

for me the two go hand in hand, since being with DP i've realised that true intimacy only comes when you're totally comfortable & relaxed with someone. and it's that sort of intimacy which we tbh seem to need, not just want.

'face of a dark angel and a passionate, challenging personality'

LQ I fear we may be with the same bloke. Only mine's abroad right now so maybe there's a cloning issue here? :D

cobsie from reading your post I can see DP is not as bad as that i.e. he would never stonewall me although he does moan/complain/demand etc and is messy and frankly immature...

tbh i know a lot of our problems are also mine cos I am neurotic, controlling and pms-ridden :-D I was bored with 'yes men' from previous relationships and I needed a kick up the arse. DP sure gave me that...

i think it's important what you said LQ- that your relationship may not be ideal but it's what you wanted and you always need a challenge. I think I need to commit more to that and stop longing for peace and quiet, as that clearly isn't what I've chosen.

lequeen - you have cheered me right up tonight

LeQueen your posts have really made me think. I have a comfortable relationship and always think 'what if?', but maybe, like you say, it's what I have chosen and I've chosen it for a reason as it suits me. Just wish I could shut up that part of me that wants the crazy passion!

I think I might have settled but my God it worked out so much better than the sexy unreliable man I thought I wanted.

le queen - I would love to have what you have and also would rather be single than settle (again).

With exh no true emotional intimacy which I know I can have and have had with other men I know and have known.

In fact this thread has crystalllised something which has run through my mind on occasions - so thanks op

I wonder if you could fill in the missing bits with either an activity you do together (travel, theatre, hiking?), or a creative hobby perhaps? Or reading books/films? Singing in a choir is a good one for that, too. I really don't think it's possible to have everything but if you're uncomfortable in the relationship then don't be in it - but you can try a few other things before you give up on it.

I think its weird not having both whats the point in being together? Its not going to last if you havent imo.

Having read the thread xkittyxs marriage is just like mine and I love everything about it. We have the romance the letters to each other (we used to call it the love wall because we wrote a letter to each other most days even though we worked at the same place), the sitting with each other talking rubbish late in the night, being with each other watching the telly to nights out. We are very comfortable with each other but very attracted to each other and have the dirty sex/cant keep your hands off each other stuff as well.

He moved 400 miles to be with me after a month and treats me like a princess.We have been married 7 years now and I love him more than anything. I wouldnt have settled for less tbh.

I am different to lequeen I think you can have both with 1 person. you can have the butterflies, the feeling sick when your apart,the surprises with sex, and the you are the hottest person I have ever seen I want you now, as well as the I am so comfortbale in your presence I could tell you anything and no matter what life throws at you he will be there like a rock, he will be a family man and your best friend. When he isnt there you constantly think if he was here he would think this was funny etc because he is like the other half of a jigsaw to you.

Sorry xpost thought you were saying you have to have 1 or the other but it is possible to have it all in one man/woman and its not the right relationship for you if you havent got that.

Having re read parts of this I dont think at all that you need furious rows to have mad passionate sex. Its more to do with your sex drive and how attracted you are with each other tbh. I feel like that when my husband walks through the door in his scruffy work stuff but I dont see the need for massive rows/fights and definitely dont think that has to be one or the other.