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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

has he cheated???

66 replies

allfunandgames123 · 14/06/2011 08:38

I recently spent a week away from my partner visiting my mother, in this time he spent allot of it very drunk! I have been back at our house with him for about 2 weeks and last night was the first time he was interested in doing anything intimate. Only he wouldn't go near me at all he was purely looking to get himself 'sorted'.
When i say he wouldn't go near me I mean I am lying in bed naked and the only part of me he touched was my back, and a very small amount of kissing.
This was the first time we had eveen kissed in three weeks, and I mean not even a goodnight kiss. When I came back from my mothers he didnt even attempt to give me a kiss and cuddle.
I sort of brought it up in conversation this morning and all he said was ''well I got what I was looking for'' and burst out laughing, that whole comment is not like him at all
Am I totally over reacting or does it look like something has happened ie.cheating?

OP posts:

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 21:21

Hear, hear. OP, can you hear this?

Original poster

allfunandgames123 · 15/06/2011 21:37

I know what you are all saying is right, but as I said its allot easier to judge or know what should be done when you are not emotionally involved.
Yes I should leave him tell him to piss off until he can prove he can stay sober and change, but this is my life and a man I love I would be walking away from. Leaving my home, leaving my work and leaving financial stability. I would rather do everything thing I can to make this life work (and there is not allot left to try) then end up a single broke mum living alone on a council estate or bringing my daughter up in a woman's refuge.
It is not as if we are living in constant fear of this man or 'treading on eggshells', on a day to day basis things are ok normally its just that when things go bad they are dire.
I do appreciate all you ladies have to say these just aren't decisions I can make over night.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 21:48

I understand, allfun (or at least I try to)

Please look after yourself.

has he accepted he has a problem ?

is he seeking proper real life help with the drinking ?

you must accept you cannot do it for him, nor can he do it without professional help

don't listen to him when he says he can, all he needs is you to do it for

I suggest you put a time scale on this, but you have to mean it and you have to follow through

say, 3 months

he seeks help, sticks at it and shows you by his actions not pretty words, that he is worth compromising your own and your dd's happiness for

otherwise you will always be 2nd best to his first true love

LeQueen · 15/06/2011 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 15/06/2011 22:28

Sorry to hark on about this, but whilst the drinking is one (major) thing, does it account for the other stuff? The other women, strip clubs etc....?
You might convince yourself that you're staying around to save him from himself, but how do you square the rest of it?

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 22:34

I sense that the OP is rapidly retreating to more and more defence of her position on this. I sense also that this is probably the sort of debate she gets in to with her H about his drinking/OW/other behaviours which she finds intolerable and which he defends to the hilt also.

I think she will need time and alot of thought about the options she feels she has, the timescale that she's prepared to allow her H to shape up, and what she can do if/when he relapses.

She cannot/will not be persuaded to see what doesn't fit for her right now. It's not good to watch for those around her, and it's not good to see here. But she is making choices that make sense to her now.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2011 22:52

OP, stick round, won't you ?

even if you retreat for a while, we will always be here x

Original poster

allfunandgames123 · 16/06/2011 15:28

yes I will stick around. Thank you all.
I just need to spend some time thinking things through.
Thanks guys

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/06/2011 17:40

all the best x

KatieScarlett2833 · 16/06/2011 17:51

Allfunandgames A long time ago I was your DD. All the arguing, drunken crap and infidelity was aired when I was in bed, supposedly asleep. I knew. I used to hide under my sheets with my fingers in my ears humming and rocking to shut it out. I used to have nightmares that my dad would kill us both and would be afraid to sleep. I never went on sleepovers because I was frightened of what he would do to Mum while I was out. I used to test the atmosphere every morning before I uttered a word in case I did something to set him off, despite this never happening.

He never once hit me or yelled at me. I was terrified of him, regardless and worried sick about Mum. I was 7 years old when she finally left.

I still suffer the after effects of this today, have terrible anxiety issues even though I am 42.

Please don't fool yourself that your DD will thrive in your home environment.

AnyFucker · 16/06/2011 18:51

katie, that is very sad

Wisedupwoman · 16/06/2011 19:17

Agree, AF, kids know, even when they can't put it into words.

Saffysmum · 16/06/2011 19:25

Bless you Katie - kids pick up on so much; OP - of course you need to process everything, take as long as it takes. We'll be here when you want to talk.

Original poster

allfunandgames123 · 16/06/2011 23:55

Katie I am very sorry to here that its truly awful.
I would never want to put my DD through that. She has only just turned 7months, and yes even now she will pick up on stuff but DP and I don't argue he just shuts down. We spend most days acting as a happy family.

I want to give DP this last chance to make things work between us, if I leave now I would always wonder how it could of turned out if I gave him this chance. It is DD christening on july 3rd and I want us to be a family for that. I know it will probably come to a point were I need to leave but I have a young baby and practically no income on my own its not as if I can just get up and leave. I need to know I have a home to go to, a support network and that I'm financially stable to put a roof over our heads and feed DD.

DP is going to see his gp next week to discuss his counselling. I am hoping and praying that could be a fresh start. If he ever slips up again then we will leave and I have told him that. I think he is taking it seriously as I only ever argue or threaten to leave him when he has been drinking, this is the first time any issues have been brought up without something to provoke it.

OP posts:

Wisedupwoman · 17/06/2011 14:47

I think it's really courageous of you to raise these things when alcohol isn't around to muddy the waters. It shows you have the determination to face this and you're not reaction to a drama.

Well done you.

Renaissance227 · 17/06/2011 15:00

Well done for trying to face this but if the counselling doesn't work out this time you HAVE to leave him and get a better life for you and your DD. I've been in a very similar situation to this and really regretted not getting out sooner. Good luck. x

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