has he cheated???

[allfunandgames123]

I recently spent a week away from my partner visiting my mother, in this time he spent allot of it very drunk! I have been back at our house with him for about 2 weeks and last night was the first time he was interested in doing anything intimate. Only he wouldn't go near me at all he was purely looking to get himself 'sorted'.
When i say he wouldn't go near me I mean I am lying in bed naked and the only part of me he touched was my back, and a very small amount of kissing.
This was the first time we had eveen kissed in three weeks, and I mean not even a goodnight kiss. When I came back from my mothers he didnt even attempt to give me a kiss and cuddle.
I sort of brought it up in conversation this morning and all he said was ''well I got what I was looking for'' and burst out laughing, that whole comment is not like him at all
Am I totally over reacting or does it look like something has happened ie.cheating?

It's good that you talked it through and he's wiling to tackle this. BUT he should be able to manage for two weeks - it's what happens afterwards.

I recommend you ask him to go the the GP or Alcoholics Anonymous for some support with stopping the booze, not just expect him to do it on his own.

well he has agreed to go to counselling for his depression and drinking as long as I go for trust and confidence issues.
I don't think I need to but I'm happy to do that as long as he's getting some help.
He is very embarrassed about being depressed and having to stop drinking. I think he feels if he can't sit down and have a pint it makes him less of a man in some.

He's not in a position to make demands on you for "trust and confidence issues" when he's the one who's done horrible things that would make ANYONE lose their trust and confidence in a partner. That's just controlling nonsense from him. By all means go to counselling if you want to and if you think it's useful, but don't expect miracles in two weeks - anyone can control their temper and habits for that long. I'd want to see long term success from him and real engagement with help and services.

Watch out for "the counsellor says you're the problem" and "the counsellor says I'm cured and don't need to go back again". Those are the two most common lies from controlling partners.

I agree with Amber.

I think going to counselling might be a good idea for you as well, but not for trust & confidence issues - for self-esteem and assertiveness, maybe. For dealing with an alcoholic and his issues, definitely. But not for not trusting him when he's constantly let you down.

Hello OP.

[Hmm] so he goes to counselling so long as you go for counselling. Doesn't matter what for, in my book, because anyone working in the field of substance abuse would probably tell you that you are bargaining with someone whose relationship with alcohol is stronger than his relationship with anything else on the planet.

Sorry, but this is how it is.

I dunno what to say...he goofs up yet it's you that needs counselling?!

I actually think counselling for yourself is a very good idea...but have a feeling your DP won't like you having counselling after your first few sessions.

wisedupwoman you are totally right he will always put alcohol first I know that but right now I would be happy for me and my daughter to at least come a close second. Alcohol has been a constant in his life for the last ten years, me and Olivia are still new to him.
I do agree that counselling could help me but as you say MizzyFizzy he won't like it for long, not if it helps me to get over him.

If I were in your place right now, the only reason I'd consider counselling would be to help me get over and out of a relationship in which i was fighting a losing battle with substance misuse.

Do you really think you don't deserve for you and your DD to come first here? How come? And you don't even come a close second either really. You come bottom of the pile after all the other crap that comes with it - lying, aggression, covering up for him, making excuses, spending money you don't have etc etc.

OP, see yourself as deserving of better in life because until you do, he won't, for sure.

And happy? How are you defining happy, here?

..and that's why I think the counselling is a good idea...to help you get over/past him.

Counselling should allow you to have more self belief/self esteem...this alone IMO will make you feel very different about your relationship.

What Mizzy said.

this thread is so bloody sad

Op if you can't see that you should come first, don't you think your daughter deserves something better than this ?

The emotional energy you must be expending just to stay with this man is being taken away from her. She is worth more than that, and so are you.

Agree AF but there's something tells me the OP doesn't believe she's 'done all she can'.

I think that too, WUW, but maybe the more times she hears that she is worth more the more she will start to believe it

I certainly don't have a problem with pointing it out, even though I feel it is (currently) falling on deaf ears

one day that lightbulb will switch on, I hope it is soon

LeQuenn 'what kind of a mother are you' I am a good mum, I love my daughter dearly and have looked after her well. I am doing this for my daughter even if you can't understand that. I want her to grow up in a happy family and I am hoping something can be salvaged out of this relationship for her sake. She has never heard us argue and she has never been at any harm! I am not content with her coming second best to anything but my partner needs help to over come this and for the time being we will be second best yes but not for ever. If he is happy to try and change then what chance will he have if I up and leave.

Woah there LeQueen!

She's a mum who's doing the best she can in her situation, if she hears she's the kind of mother who doesn't care enough about her DD she's got no incentive to leave.

Oh sorry OP, x post.

I think you got your answer right there LeQueen.

Except I'd add a rider here. Whether he stops drinking and stays stopped will not be down to your being there or leaving. It will be down to him. And he won't believe that unless you do IME.

So try not to make excuses for his behaviour.

thank you Wisedupwoman. I know I make excuses for his behaviour but its just really hard as all my friends/family have constantley got something bad to say about him, and i do love him (not entirely sure why!) so I feel as if he needs someone in his corner to back him.
He is only ever nasty when he is drunk. He is an alcoholic its not like he wants to be like this its just a truely terrible situation hes got himself into. I knew he had a problem when we met, I walked into it with my eyes wide open...stupidly

allfun, making excuses for him in the face of uniform disapproval (there are very good reasons for that, aren't there ?) from all your family/friends will not help him

what that does is enable him to carry on fucking up

whilst fucking up you rand your dd's life in the process

by making it you and him against the world, you are perpetuating a very big mistake

he gets carte blanche to give you some pretty words about he is "destroyed without you" and "he will try" and the whole sorry battle commences again

and you are very naive to think this isn't affecting your daughter, really you are

And the shagging about? What's the excuse there?

quite, clam

there is "being in someones corner" and "letting them drag you down too"

which should it be ?

You know, allfun, your friends & family only have bad things to say about him, because they care about what happens to you. It's not what you want to hear, but maybe just maybe you should consider that they have your best interests at heart.