Am I jumping to conclusions/overreacting?

[Living]

Have namechanged.

Went to get ds's cereal from the kitchen cupboard this meningitis and found a tumbler with the remains of red wine in it. This is a cupboard I use several times a day therefore this was put in there this morning or yesterday evening.

I see three possibilities:

1. fil or mil (visiting) decided to have a sneaky drink and hide it. I can't see any reason why they would have felt the need to hide a drink and neither are red wine drinkers.
2. Our livein maid/nanny has had a sneaky drink. As far as I'm aware she isn't a drinker and she knows I see that cupboard first thing every morning.
3. DH who is an alcoholic is drinking again. He gets up before I do but this morning the baby was awake so he may have got scared I was coming into the kitchen. Red wine is his drink.

Please tell me I'm jumping to conclusions and (3) isn't blatently obviously the only plausible answer. He's at work. I'll speak to him when I pick him up as I don't want to give him extra time to come up with excuses.

Sorry, but I think 3 is the most likely of those possible explanations.
How long ago did he give up drinking, and does he have any support?

Unfortunately I'd say the likeliest reason is your DH, however try not to get too worked up (easier to say than do I know) before you speak to him. Sorry it's not a very useful post but not sure you can do anything until you've discussed it with him

He's swearing blind it was used in cooking last night and he doesn't know how it got into the cupboard. Said that even at his worst he never drank before work and offered to get a blood test. He also made a mistake and said the glass was half full when it was empty.

I really want to belive him.

He stopped drinking about two years ago and initially went to AA etc. He has had the occasional glass of wine (with me) in that time but a glass before he goes to work would (obviously) be a major issue not least because he'd lose his job if caught.

Who cooked last night? Was there wine in the meal? If you use wine in cooking and he still "has the occasional glass of wine with you" I guess you have wine in the house quite regularly. From your initial post I assumed this wasnt the case. If your dh is an alcoholic this must be difficult for him at times.

He cooked and it is plausible there was wine in the marinade. We have alcohol in the house only because the inlaws are here.

He says he's ok with having alcohol around but I've recently discussed locking if up. We don't live in the uk and it's not easy to get alcohol. Dh likes to have it in so he can offer it to friends and feel 'normal'.

We've identified that he has started (openly) drinking more eg one glass of wine a week if we have it in and he's identified that he had one friend who (unintentionally) making him feel uncool for not drinking. We're going to have to ditch the friend.

I think I'm going to take him at his word and believe him. Am I a sucker? Can't really see what else to do except force him to go for the blood test. That would mean the trust has completely gone.

It's the fact that he didn't know how mch wine he had left that makes me think he's telling the truth. From what I understand as an alcoholic he'd have known how much alcohol there was available down to the last drop if he was drinking.

Clearly not doing well on the namechange!

Three is the most likely scenario I am sorry to say. You write that neither ILs are red wine drinkers so why would they place a glass there?. Same with the nanny; again she has no good reason to place a glass there. It was likely put there by your H.

I realise you want to believe him but what does your gut really tell you?.

Alcoholism is a family disease and you as well need help and support as well.
How many people know that your H is alcoholic?. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy. Alcoholics can also do denial very well.

I realise you are not in the UK but you can still look at Al-anon's website and I believe they are international as well. Al-anon are helpful re family members of problem drinkers.

Did your H stop going to AA because he perhaps thought he was cured. Wrong on all counts by the way.

Make your house now an alcohol free zone; if your H is an alcoholic he cannot drink alcohol at all and you cannot drink alcohol with him either (that is enabling him).

I would agree with ditching the so called friend; is he actually one of your DH's drinking buddies?.

Is this really the sort of marriage you want to have?.

Only Delia anally measures out the red wine she uses in cooking. Everyone else just sloshes a bit in, no?

...and what Attila said.

My gut is telling me he's telling the truth. My gut mght not be accurate though.

He certainly doesn't think he's cured but I think he's struggling with the idea he will never be normal. I agree I'm enabling him by having a drink with him. I think he needs to go back to aa to work out his issues ie to accept he doesn't need to be able to offer people a drink when they come to visit.

Family all know it's just inconcievable (to him) we could not be able to offer inlaws a drink. That said, restricting the alcohol might stop the other set of inlaws visiting for a month at a time (step-father inlaw IMHO is an alcoholic as well). Friends don't know. Again, I think the fact dh sees the need to keep it hidden from even close friends is suggestive that he still has issues to work through.

There is an al anon here but it's really not for me for various reasons (nit least that I can't deal with the serenity prayer). I know it's there if I ever do need it.

Oh the red wine is in a box so measuring it out into a glass would be normal. That's the way I'd do it as well.

Friend isn't a drinking buddy (he's never known dh as a drinker). It's just he has the life dh would have if he wasn't an alcoholc and dh gets jealous.

I really don't want to be a harbinger of doom and gloom, OP, but if your DH is an alcoholic, I am willing to bet my life savings on that glass of wine in the cupboard being his.

I would also bet my life savings on the fact that he is drinking in secret regularly and probably has been for a while.

My mum was an alcoholic for 20+ years and I can tell you, there are no depths or lies to which an alcoholic will not stoop.

Don't believe him OP. Sorry, but I don't know what else to say. Alcoholics are the most expert liars and manipulators ever. They operate on a whole other level of reality in a parallel universe of denial and twisted half-truths and any normal, sober person's logic and reason doesn't stand a chance.

Tell him to go back to AA or get out.

OP, you know why it was there. He didnt use it for cooking at all. My DP is a 'recovering' alchoholic. Hes been off alcohol for a few months now, and doing well, but there was a period before these few good months when he was not supposed to be drinking. I knew he was, he had been sneaking vodka everytime he went out the house, i KNEW he was but because he'd say he hadnt had a drink i would start questioning myself. I only stopped making excuses for him when i sipped his KFC coke an tasted vodka. And he still swore blind nothing was in it. Alcoholis lie. Dont doubt yourself or make excuses for him

I don't really understand why you allow alcohol in the house if DH has this disease. The in-laws can go without for a day or two.

If he has drunk, then I wouldn't be in the least surprised as you have put him in temptations path.

Lesson to be learned there, surely?

Recovering alcoholics cannot be around, or drink, any alcohol at all. If it was his idea to have it in the house to 'seem normal', then I suspect he's never actually stopped drinking. That sounds like such a classic alcoholic's lie to me, it's almost laughable but for it being so tragic.

Honestly, take it from someone who wishes she didn't know all about this stuff. He's still drinking and lying about it.

Living, please dont feel like his behaviour is your fault. Even if you kept the house alcohol free he would find it somewhere else, lines like
'If he has drunk, then I wouldn't be in the least surprised as you have put him in temptations path' are stupid. None of his behaviour is your fault, he is a grown man who makes his own choices. I personally dont have booze in the house, nor do i drink around him, but then i am not a big drinker, my DP used to just go out an get some.

Would agree that he is still drinking and lying about it.

I would take issue with this:

'Am I a sucker? Can't really see what else to do except force him to go for the blood test. That would mean the trust has completely gone.'

Do you think that this is the right approach? Another point of view might be that if you are treating this as a DISEASE, and that he is (nominally) on board with treating it, then if it looks as if there might be a recurrence, you simply start treating - rather than seeing it as a 'trust issue'. The whole point is that a feature of the disease is that he cannot necessarily be trusted, yes? It is not simply an interpersonal issue - just as if he HAS started drinking again, you would step up the help and treatment - not just berate him for letting you down.

I would agree with him that a blood test would be a good idea - get it done, and see where that leads you. Be businesslike about it and try and frame it in terms of the disease only, for now. He will probably be shocked, which might do him some good if he's setting off down the slippery slope. He will certainly be embarrassed. Also good.

I think that there is a danger in framing his relapse in terms of the relationship - it allows things to become fuzzier, too linked to other parts of your lives, easier to excuse or explain. If he IS relapsing, approach it in the first instance as a medical problem. Take the wind out of his sails and ask him to get a blood test.

kiesmommy

To clarify, I didn't say it was OPs fault. I said a lesson could and should be learned from allowing alcohol in the house with a man suffering from such a terrible, all consuming disease as alcoholism.

If that is what you regard as 'stupid', we will have to agree to disagree.

There will always be temptations for an alcoholic, weather there is alcohol in the house or not there are shops on near enough every corner. To say OP put temptations in his way was blaming her for his drinking. Having lived with an alcoholic, been to countless AA meetings etc i have heard many times 'if she hadnt put it there' 'if she had gone to the shop instead of me' i wouldnt have drunk it. It doesnt matter to an alcoholic, if they want it they will get it. Having alcohol in the house isnt the best idea, but neither is it OPs fault he drank it.

I think it was his too

Can I just add, I think a box of wine is a hellava thing to keep track of, if you are trying to watch what he consumes. How can you know how much is gone? Does an alcoholic normally eat food with booze in? I would have thought all marinades at your house would be alcohol free.

I think, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, you are kidding yourself here, a bit anyway.

Sorry but husband is not to be believed.

Were there are other dishes left over from previous night's dinner put in the cereal cupboard?? Dirty plates, licked spoons, pots? Nope.

So why wasn't this glass washed with the other dishes?? Very easy to sneak wine from a box. It seems so glaringly obvious that he is drinking and thinks he's being clever about it.

Alcoholics cannot be near drink - so says another person that knows from bitter experience :(

"He stopped drinking about two years ago and initially went to AA etc." and how much did he used to drink before he "stopped"?

"He has had the occasional glass of wine (with me) in that time". how did that happen? How did your alcoholic dh convince you that it was a good idea for you to have a drink together?

His being alcoholic is not your fault, however if you have been agreeing to have a drink with a recovering alcoholic then you do bear some responsibility for his not staying sober.

Ultimately he was the one who drank the wine, and that is his responsibility, however if you willingly drank the wine with him then you have been enabling his behavior.

expecting an alcoholic to restrainedly have the "occasional glass of wine" and to "use the wine (out of a box no less) for cooking" is very naive.

You can't have alcohol in the house. none. If that means you have to not drink then I'm afraid so be it.

If he's given up alcohol and admitted to being an alcoholic then he cannot drink, ever. And he will know that.

Tbh I would suggest that you try to get some support for yourself, but also that you get rid of all the alcohol, all of it, and insist that he start going back to his meetings.

Completely agree with the last few posters.

I think he was drinking whilst he was cooking. He heard you coming near the kitchen and hid it in the cupboard. He wouldn't throw it away if there was a bit left.

Your maid could drink in her room.

Your in-laws wouldn't hide it in a public place. Besides, you say they don't drink it.

Of course he's lying to you. Alcoholics lie. They drink and they lie about it.

Are you able to live with him?