Sorry for the delay. Been taking it all in, talking to DH (and pretending everything's aok in front of inlaws).
I know if I was on the outside looking in I'd be saying the same as you are. He's read the thread and agrees that (most) of you are talking good sense. He still denies it was his drink and I'm still inclined to believe him but to be honest it doesn't matter because things have to change regardless.
The drinks when he's with ne are going, the alcohol's going and I'm going to stop drinking as well. Getting rid of the alcohol won't stop him going to the bar across the road if he's really desperate (I know I can't control his illness) but it will stop me worrying he's sneaking a glass of wine.
The comment about it not being a trust issue has really rung true. Too late for a blood test now but I've told him I will insist on one the next time I am suspicious. He's ok with that.
He really doesn't want to go back to aa he has ideolical objections with the god thing and says there's a lot of bitching and politics in the only available group. I've said he has to get a support network and he needs to go to aa until he works out what that will be. He's agreed to go.
I think one of the reasons we have problems with acceptance is that he never actually hit rock bottom. He was heading that way but realised of his own accord and called aa himself. There's therefore always going to be the question 'well maybe he wouldn't have done'. He knows he's an alcoholic but has said tonight that in someways he's only accepted it coz aa told him he had to. He needs someone he can work things through with and aa might be too prescriptive.
I'm not saying that aa is wrong in saying an alcoholic can't drink ever. We're both coming to accept that and what it really means when you move away from 'one day at a time'.
As for alanon. Honestly, I've met members of the local group. I know they'd welcome me (and kids) with open arms. It's just not my thing. I do have a serious issue with the serenity prayer that apparently I would have to say at the end of each meeting (I'm an athiest) and they're just too happy-clappy-let-me-give-you-a-hug for my liking. If I get desperate I'll put ny principles to one side and bite my tongue. For now I am coping.
One thing I did say tonight is that at some stage in a few years our children will ask why daddy doesn't drink. We will tell them the truth (they need to know). Kids don't keep secrets so then everyone will know. He needs to work on coming to terms with it not being a dirty little secret.