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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The inevitable has happened.

39 replies

thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 04:57

I thought it was too good to be true. I thought his therapy was working. I had friends over, I have never had any of my friends to visit in all the time we've ben together, and thought that in this, we'd made massive strides forward.

This seems to have triggered the worst verbal and emotional abuse from him in the last two weeks. It means I'm real doesn't it, and not a receptacle for his projections. He has said all the usual shite that these men peddle, and some really nsaty stuff about me being a worse mother than mine was. He is convinced that I have NPD, which kind of gives him away doesn't it?

I have asked him to leave again. I sound strong, but I am heartbroken. Thought we were the exception to prove the rule. Nope.

OP posts:
nightowlmostly · 13/06/2011 05:43

Didn't want your post to go unanswered, but am a bit confused about what has actually happened.

I'm sorry your DH (?) is treating you badly, and his therapy isn't helping his issues. Are you going to be ok? Have you got people with you?

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 05:54

We separated for most of last year after what I described to my nurse practioner was described as emotional abuse. She put me on to women's aid, I did the Freedom Programme and had therapy myself.

He wanted to come home, but I said that without him committing to long term therapy, that couldn't happen, so he found a therapist and has, allegedly been seeing her for about a year. He won't tell me her full name though, so I don't KNOW that he is seeing anyone at all. He says it's none of my business. Well of course it is.

He is so twisted, he's even found a way of blaming our dd being bullied on me too, notwithstanding the fact that half the girls in the class are being targetted by this girl, stealing snack money etc. My fault! How sick is that? His "logic" is that I am an eternal victim, I believe everyone hates me, and I have passed that on to her. He is one poorly bloke isn't he?

The straw that broke the camels back last night was discovering that he was going to a retirement party of some chap who sacked me, years ago, who has outstanding debts to h of £10 000, and who has treated us both pretty shabbliy over the years. He didn't tell me he was going, and planned not to, and to go alone. Funny what pushes you over the edge innit.

I am very scared of what will happen now.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 05:56

No I have no one with me. As with so many abusive situations, we moved to the middle of nowhere, so I am pretty isolated. I have no contact with my family. They being the reason that I ended up with someone so sick in the first place.

I am a bit desolate really, but I deserve a relationship that is real, where I EXIST, where there is real, true intimacy and caring. :(

OP posts:
dollius · 13/06/2011 07:31

You need to forget about him changing/getting better with therapy etc. He will NOT change. You need to go back to the mindset you were in when you separated from him initially.

It's time for him to go and be gone for good. Could you go back to Women's Aid for more advice? Is there any RL support at all - friends? How about your nurse practitioner?

It sounds as if he is escalating and is likely to get worse when you tell him to leave again, so you need whatever support you can muster.

You poor thing, it sounds as if you have had a really tough time of it - and not just with your H. I really hope you will be ok. In the meantime, keep posting here for support - there are lots of us here to listen and help to keep you on the right course.

Bucharest · 13/06/2011 07:37

Sounds to me like he probably isn't going to his therapy.

Do you want to leave him? Or for him to leave? You've done the counselling etc to try and make it work, because you obviously want to, but if he hasn't....

Do not blame yourself for your daughter's school situation. And don't let him blame you either.

ClangingBangers · 13/06/2011 07:46

I have followed your previous threads thisis and really, you owe this man nothing anymore. You have tried and tried and it is not working. He may or may not be going to therapy - but you can no longer be his punch bag for his issues.

You will make yourself ill and your children will suffer even further. I think that WA told you that therapy could take up to two years to work? Well, it has (perhaps) been one year so far - and really it doesn't sound likely that he is going regularly, if at all, if he will not give you the name of whom he is seeing.
You simply cannot wait another year.

You are isolated and have no family support, but you have a very strong self to rely on to dig yourself out of this toxic relationship.

Keep all emails and texts. Go see a solicitor. Get a restraining order or and injunction. have you sat down and worked out money and how you can get by? Are you renting or do you own the property? You can see WA again and tell them you want out and they can help and advise.

I really wish you would grasp the bull and put an end to this nightmare. x

CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 07:52

Why are you scared? Is there anything practical you can do?

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 07:59

It is and has been, a living hell. He is so damaged by his own childhood...his family have had every issue going. I thought my lot were bad, but his are even worse.

I still have not been allowed to go to his family home, he says because I will judge them harshly as it is a council house. I know that what he really means is that he is too ashamed. I don't even know my own father in laws address or phone number.

If I can survive what my family have done to me...scapegoating in the most extra ordinary way, I guess I can live through this.

I am though, scared that I won't be able to cope, emotionally, financially etc etc.

Please keep posting today, I am in bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 08:01

He is already manipulating the children again. If I hug them, he says that I am deliberately turning them away from him. I know that this is just more of the same, he couldn't give a shit about them, so long as he gets to hurt me. I know this in my head, but my heart is terrified that they will believe this.

But that's how they operate isn't it?

OP posts:
CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 08:04

Can you talk to Womens Aid again? Sounds like you need someone to talk to who will give you sound advice.

CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 08:04

They will believe you.....How old are they?

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 08:33

The are nearly 15 and 6. My oldest is ds from my first abusive marriage. :(

And that's the point.....I NEVER think of him anymore. One day this will be a distant memory.

I deserve some happiness in what so far has been a thoroughly shitty existence.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 08:33

Those friends that came to stay with you ?

Go to stay with them, and start taking steps to end your marriage. It is time now.

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 09:04

...and still the abuse continues.......

There are "loads of people who agree with him that I am difficult...."

There is NOBODY! NOBODY EVER COMES HERE! Apart from his gropey alcoholic freak of a "best friend".

I wish I had already lived through this. I have been so desperately unhappy for ever. I keep swinging between desolate grief and elation at the possibilities for my life.

AF, he is going today.

Thank you all, really. This place is in large part what has given me the strength to do this today. I have removed my wedding rings.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 09:12

Glad to hear it love, I wouldn't sentence my worst enemy to a marriage like yours Sad

ClangingBangers · 13/06/2011 09:44

He must leave. You have given it your all. You deserve friends and happiness, light in your life and a bit of fun and laughter. He is his own problem now. Please do this for your children. Not only for yourself - your dcs too. They must be so stressed to hear and see all that is going on.

It is frightening, of course it is, but nothing could be as awful and tremor-inducing as the thought of wasting any more tears or time on this hell.

You can live on beans and toast. Stuff cotton wool in your ears, stop listening to him. Go back to WA - they are very used to seeing how long it takes many many women to finally cut the cord completely.

When they first came to see me about my ex husband, i couldn't face up to what was going on and was terrified of it all finishing. When the lovely woman left, she said 'see you again then'

How right she was - but it took two more visits and another year.

I am very envious of your job by the way. You must creative and soulful to be able to sing like this. Get him out, get him off your train, put him where he belongs - in the mad nasty world of his own making. Do this. Do not listen to him. Your bright, happy future is out there and it needs you!

CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 09:53

Whilst I can see why you would be scared I'm really excited for you, no more inevitable shit, no more someone trying to ruin your self esteem, noone making you feel worthless......just a road to happiness.

Really proud of you OP! Your 15 yr old will not blame you, they'll see through everything as will your six year old.

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 10:47

He has gone.

But not before another barrage of nonsense. I've got what I want, HIS house, HIS money.

Bollocks. I just wanted to be loved and respected for who I am by someone that is happy that I exist.

OP posts:
CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 10:56

I genuinely hope you have both his house and his money, and plenty of your own too!!

You can meet someone else, just get happy being alone first!!

Anniegetyourgun · 13/06/2011 10:59

"You've got what you want..." They all say that, don't they? It's in the Abuser's Handbook. How to make sure that if your victim does finally get the strength to turf you out, she'll feel like shit about it.

OK, you had to give him this last chance. You saw he was damaged rather than just evil. He had a chance to get better. He didn't take it, and you can't make him. So that's it: your conscience is now totally clear, it's over, there is nothing else to try.

Maybe you can start planning to move back to civilisation now.

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 11:09

Yes Annie. The lonliness is unbearable. And the fact that his life, even together, just continued without me in it is the thing that blows my mind the most. His trip to Spain without me...he called it work, but I know it was just messing about with the boys, work usually brings money in after all. His secret party invitations, the invites for both of us go to places and there ALWAYS being a reason why not. There was even a funeral that caused no end of rows.

He doesn't ever want me to go anywhere with him, just keeps me at home like Patricia Evans teddy bear. It made me feel that he was ashamed of being seen with me. His reasons were usually something to do with the fear of me causing trouble. The upshot was absolutely NO joint social life. I know that all of a sudden, his social life will be buzzing, and I will be stuck here in the middle of nowhere with two kids.

The silence is overwhelming. The grief is overwhelming.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 12:49

You poor, poor thing

Quite soon though, you will begin to come to terms with the fact that silence can be comforting, if it means you are not listening to the constant barrage of criticism designed to put you down

It will happen, I promise you

Original poster
thisishowifeel · 13/06/2011 13:36

I think that it is the contrast between the CONSTANT criticism, talking over me, just relentless, relentless blaming, accusing, projecting, and I am sick of the sound of me trying to counter it all. I gave up on Saturday night and took the phone to the bathroom and rang a friend.

The silence is overwhelming.

OP posts:
SingOut · 13/06/2011 13:49

Soon the silence will start to sound good; a blessed relief. I promise. Hang in there.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/06/2011 14:01

You will soon fill the silence with music and happy talk, when he's not there to stop you. Silence only seems threatening now because it still contains the echo of the horrible, untrue, unfair things he said.

He knows you too well, that's the trouble, he knows but uses it to be cruel. It's hard to get one's head round someone like that, someone who wants to pick a nice, friendly, loving person with a decent career and drag them down into the gutter and trample all over them. It isn't your personal failure that he continues to be like that. He's too sick for any one person to fix. It is not your fault. Intellectually you know that, despite all your childhood indoctrination. It really, truly is not your fault.

It's a shock, now the mad ride is over, and your head will naturally spin for a while. It won't always feel like this. Life can be good, will be good, for you and your DCs. You have your talent and normal people like you. You have two DCs who will not experience the pain that you did, because you're going to be there to make sure they're properly loved. If you had NPD the accusation wouldn't have hurt!