The inevitable has happened.

[thisishowifeel]

I thought it was too good to be true. I thought his therapy was working. I had friends over, I have never had any of my friends to visit in all the time we've ben together, and thought that in this, we'd made massive strides forward.

This seems to have triggered the worst verbal and emotional abuse from him in the last two weeks. It means I'm real doesn't it, and not a receptacle for his projections. He has said all the usual shite that these men peddle, and some really nsaty stuff about me being a worse mother than mine was. He is convinced that I have NPD, which kind of gives him away doesn't it?

I have asked him to leave again. I sound strong, but I am heartbroken. Thought we were the exception to prove the rule. Nope.

You've done an incredibly brave thing OP. I know it does take time to adjust to the silence but as AF said, the silence also means that he's not hassling and haranguing you any more. This WILL get better. Give it a few days and you will feel like you have been released from prison. Your life is about to get so much freer and you deserve it. Take good care of yourself xxx

I have had more mental health assessments and therapy sessions than hot dinners, it feels like. Every single time I asked if they thought I had a PD, and every single time they said no.

This was my "mothers" favourite accusation too, and sisters, and first husband. You can't blame me for wondering can you?

Well, if one person claims to be sane in the teeth of 59 other people saying you aren't, there'd be reason to doubt the claim. But if the 59 people were all in lunatic asylums we might have to think again. The opinion of a clutch of mental health professionals, plus numerous friends and former colleagues, vs a nest of narcs and one ex-boyfriend...

On balance, I think you're sane

How are you doing thisis ? Thinking of you girl.

I'm ok. I have booked a counselling session for today. I slept for a few hours. I was exhausted, not slept for the previous two nights, was too distressed.

I have been overwhelmed by support from my friends in RL. The ones I've slowly been reconnecting with. I have had emails, phone calls, messages, a dozen hugs on FB.

My h lives in a very dark and squalid place, surrounded by dark and squalid people. It always made me feel uncomfortable, but as my world had always been dark and squalid too, I suppose it felt like home....and of course being an emotional punch bag/ dumping ground, was my role from birth.

I am truly amazed at the depth of the inner child stuff. I have changed on a stunningly fundamental level. I don't want to live in that dark squalid world. I want to be in the light.

Thank you CB.

That's fabulous. You must have wonderful friends who you probably have not reached out too - and who probably have not been able to reach deep enough out to you either for so long because they can see how dark a hole you have been stuck inside.

Once you have experienced that fundamental change inside you - the awakenings of real inner strength and hope - there really is no going back. There will bumps and dips as well as highs and you should be prepared for them.

Families may create a blueprint for how we grow up when we are growing up, but when that blueprint is destructive, esteem-blowing and deeply unhealthy, there comes a time when you have to rip it up and start again. Start loving yourself again. Kick out of your life all the people who criticise, taunt, blame, insult and use you. Make room for good people, new friends and good, old ones.

Counselling is the way to go to begin with definitely. Your good and loving friends are your new family now. Cling on to them. And start living.
Buy yourself a cream doughnut today.

xxx

Hi thisishowifeel

Been reading your thread and wanted to send you my well wishes. I am so sorry for all the abuse you have been through. But now your waste of air husband has gone PLEASE take this as your chance to build the life for yourself that you want and deserve.
You sound so much stronger than you realise you are, best of luck for the future xx

LOve, Sorry I have been a bit unwell so not been so good at spotting stuff. didn't see this thread till now.

Honey, you have done the right thing. The first few days when an abuser leaves is hard, but believe me, in a very few days you will realise that you are not going to have some miserable git putting his key in the door and for your day to nosedive in a torrent of verbal abuse, criticism or fault finding. From there on in, it gets easier and easier.

Be kind to yourself, process what has happened and tell yourself that you have escaped your abuser, he can't hurt you any more.

Come and find us on the support for emotional abusers thread? when you are ready. We have all got similar stories; these men all follow the same script. You are not alone now, you are amongst friends and people that do genuinely care for you and want to see you get better and happier.

(((hugs)))

Get well soon, hisso

Been for counselling. I showed her the email outlining his childhood, and although counsellors never tell you what to think or do, the message was very clear.

Unlike his therapist who according to him, agrees that I am a bully etc.

I feel fucking terrible. :(

I dont understand. What happened?

Oh and I dont believe for one minute his 'therapist' agrees you are a bully. if she/he did then she is a crap therapist.

Being a manpip[ulative shit of course he may just have been able toconvince his therapist of some rubbish. Even therapists can be taken in. But not good ones over any length of time - and he has told you he has been having therapy for a year.

He is talking nonsense.
Can you be clearer about what your counsellor said? Was the message along the lines of 'run for the hills' ? x

Those words exactly amazingly enough. :(

Hi therapist is supposed to be an expert in abuse, as is the one I'm seeing. (one of the reasons I chose her)

I told him that I know for a fact that she did not say that. Once again he is making things up. Thing is I KNOW this man. He confided in me exclusively before we were even a couple, for a long, long time. When I have disengaged with him, the real man will be back. But I KNOW that he will flip again, unless he accepts that there is something wrong with HIM.

Re reading Patricia Evans is good. My counsellor thinks that he is too damaged by his childhood to ever get better. As a non-narc, I have sympathy, compassion, and because of my own childhood, empathy, and because I kinow him so well when he's not in these "flips", love too. But these days I have to love me first. I really am completely vanished as a seperate person to his mind. Now I am so well educated, it is absolutely fascinating to watch. He really, truly doesn't see that I exist outside of him. When I asked him to stop telling me who I was and how I was feeling, he accused me of attacking him....JUST LIKE IN THE BOOK!!!!!!!! No wonder I felt like I didn't exist....I didn't! The funniest thing was when he told me that "I'm older than you". My God....bless his five year old cotton socks. I wonder whether that's when IT happened to him? Poor bastard.

It is tragic.

bottom line

you are overthinking this, big-style

just extricate yourself from this toxic situation, however long (and difficult) it will be to do so

it will never improve in any significant way