my abusive, controlling narcissistic ex husband had his first access visit today and

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

he was supposed to bring thekids back at 6 and they are stillnot here.

He has done this on purpose.

Is this how they are? when you stop them being abusive within the relationship do they just continue to abuse you using the kids? Coz I thought it would all end now, and it seems it is just beginning.

Jesus, there is alimit to how much I can take.

can someone hold hands and wait with me please

He has also turned his phone off

he never does that

Oh I am so with you. I've a thread going at the minute because mine got DD to text to say that they would be late. And he doesn't answer texts or phone either.

Nothing useful to say except try to disengage as much as possible.

But I'm crap at it and I'm sitting here ready to rip my ex's balls off and make earrings.

Oh god no wonder you're upset NSSMN

Do you know where he took the kids today?

they are at his new flat, i know where it is, but he's so fucking attention seeking I just KNOW he wants me to go over there to see whats wrong (sigh)

Was this contact/access visit arranged via a contact centre or between yourselves op? Because if it's the latter, I wouldn't blame you for putting it on a much more formal footing in future.

My almost ex-H is very similar, although to be fair he was never abusive. He virtually never answers his phone to me and only replies to texts when he feels like it. I've got used to him always being late back, and don't let him know how much he annoys me, except when he brings the boys back late on a school night. In which case my wrathful sarcasm knows no bounds.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Make notes of everything that happens. Remain calm when he brings them back, not fair for them to see you riles but I do think you need to mention it to him that he is being unfair on the chidlren, they have school tomorrow and it is them that will suffer, not you , not him. Do not let him think he has upset you otherwise he wins (in his warped controlling mind)

Hope they are back soon.

Oh and what a knob!

Have you got fixed contact in place? Sounds like this is the way you are going to need to go

what a tosser, have you gone through solicitors ? It might be worth it if you are still using them to get them to send a letter that times agreed must be adhered to and that he must leave his phone on.

Not much use but sometimes when the twats hear it from a solicitor then they take more notice than you saying anything.

Also don't make a massive deal about it to his face as he will be waiting for it...he will love the conflict

Im suprised he's not contacted you yet to ask why your not pounding the door down, twat.

They do it deliberately. I'm not in that position, but v. sympathetic. May the force be with you!

I'm sorry you are having to face this :(

I decided to pick my battles and only create if a)I had the power of the law behind me. b)Other stuff I just let go. Both methods disconcerted him

a)He disliked me controlling him
b) He disliked a lack of reaction

He's doing it to wind you up but it's hard to ignore.

shall i call the local incident room? the domestic violence unit? the police? my womans aid support worker?

Call them all! You poor thing.

I would call them all

Keep calm and ask for advice but make sure they understand your fears. I hope they help

If you have sole residency and a contact order the police (I think) can go and collect them, without those they are reluctant to get involved. Worth ringing them to speak to them and get it logged and see if they can help.

Do you think there is any chance he will abscond with them? If so phone the police now.

He's being a total idiot, but try not to let the kids know how angry you are when they get home.
Call your support team and let them know whats happening so they can advise you.
Please let us know that everythings okay.

i called thenon emergency number and they gave me an incident reference number.

I don't think there is anything to worry about safety wise, i'm just really sad that the access visits have started like this.

oh, they're back speak soon

Glad they're back. I would second trying to get a formal residency order so that you can get the police onside if you need to.

One of the thing narcissists love is the idea of the XP sat on the doorstep anxiously biting their fingernails wondering where they are and what's going on. If you make the point about the DC suffering because they have school tomorrow, but at the same time give the impression that you're delighted he's late because you've been having such a good time doing something really fun that you plan to do again the next time he has contact, you'll probably find that he's back promptly.

fucking twatty twat

there back safe and sound

god narcs love all this conflict and attention don't they. what the fuck is wrong with them?

so for you.

I don't know what to suggest,but just to say that I know exactly how you feel, everytime my kids go out with their dad I feel sick all day worrying about when he will bring them back etc etc

What about something called a residency order? So far as I understand it, if he has parental responsibility there is nothung police etc can do unless you have this order. Might be worth applying for one anywayto be on the safe side.

Glad they are back safe

I think you have to not rise to it ever.

I would send him an email stating that you will not be chasing him via the phone when he is late collecting or delivering the children but that you will be informing the authorities as appropriate. Then stick to it. Make a note of all collectiong/delivering times, phone police for incidence number when late returning.

Smile sweetly at all times to his face and speak in a sickly tone and above all do not engage - that is what he seems to thrive on?

Look into contact order backed up with powers of arrest for non return.

Sorry just reading your op again... are you doing the freedom programme? If not ask your womens aid support worker to refer you for it.

He is displaying the typical characterisitcs of the "bad father". He will continue to try to control you thru the kids as that is now the only way he has to get at you. I think you really need to try to ride it out and hope that he loses interest. Has he got other kids from previous relationships? My exH has 4 other kids who he has zero interest in at all... I'm just hoping he loses interst in my kids soon too.

I really would recommend the solicitor route, that way you don't need to speak to him directly and also it might get more results to pass on messages thru them, it's no fun for him trying to gaslight the solicitor... although my exH did try that...Knob!!!

am so sorry love

have you inputted the narc thread...If you haven't already, I think you will get infinite support from it

you knew the kids were physically safe...but yes, he can use them to continue to exert his mindgames

twat