my abusive, controlling narcissistic ex husband had his first access visit today and

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

he was supposed to bring thekids back at 6 and they are stillnot here.

He has done this on purpose.

Is this how they are? when you stop them being abusive within the relationship do they just continue to abuse you using the kids? Coz I thought it would all end now, and it seems it is just beginning.

Jesus, there is alimit to how much I can take.

can someone hold hands and wait with me please

He has also turned his phone off

he never does that

yes I am doing the freedom programme - it is hugely beneficial.

Was hoping not to have to go down the solicitor route

every single time i see his face i get an overwhelming urge to kick him in the bollocks as hard as i possibly can

I don't really see what cchoice you have if you want to keep control over the situation and really move on from him.

My exH threatened to kill himself last week so I went to solicitor and contact has ceased until he sorts himself out. Tbh I didn't think he would back down but for the time being he actually has, I have now gone a whole 7 days without any further abuse or harassment,it's a good feeling!

He has been told that he needs to get his own legal advice... I have been saying this for months and he hasn't but it's not until he got a letter from my solicitor telling him that he is out of order, that he has backed off (for the time being anyway)!

Are you divorced already? if not then you will need to get a solicitor to sort that out... and access to the kids will be part of the discussions.

Good luck!

You have my full sympathy , i have one of these warped creatures in my life ,he never tells me where he is taking my ds ,always picks up about an hour late ,never tells me what time he will bring ds home the other day he was so late i rang him to find out he told me he was in portugal with ds and there was nothing i could do about it, he then turned up at the doorstep making out like it was all a joke 5 mins later .My Ds is 3 and currently does not stay overnight with hid dad who is also an alcaholic , I am so terrified of getting a legal custody arrangement because i know that any judge would grant him overnight stays with my son, I have been trying to give him as much access as possible in the hope he will lose intrest but so far its not working,he does have two daughters who he left when they were 2 and 5 and has had no further contact for about 18 years, I have spent the last couple of hours looking up child tracking devices on ebay.
good luck

OP,

A residence order is irrelevant as there is no dispute as to where the children live.
What you do need is formalised contact arrangements with clear times for collection and return.
Are there proceedings ongoing?

tyr not disagreeing with you but at my last freedom programme meeting some other ladies were saying that they went to court and got something that meant that the child had to be returned to the mother after access and the police could enforce it.

If you have formalised contact I don't know if the police can enforce it if the dad doesn't return the kids... I don't know, I'm asking the question??

Found some info....

residence orders (used to be called custody)

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs/Legal/residence_orders_4_web.pdf

Child contact

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs/Legal/child_contact_4_web.pdf

Hope that helps!!

Humpydidit,

This is a common misunderstanding about Residence orders. They merely "settle" where the child lives, if that is in dispute. What the OP (and her ex) need is a defined Contact order, specifying times for contact. This will have an enforcement notice attached.
Hope that explains?

tyr thanks for confirming... it's all soooo complicated!!

Does the entitilement bit mean that police have power to take kids back for you? Never really understood all of it, those links I found explain some of it, but not the part about making him give the kids back, which I always think is the most important!

I think Tyr is right that is more or less what the young police officer told me when I spoke to him last night.

A proper defined contact order means the police can go and collect the children if they are not returned on time.

How awful that it has come to all this for so many of us.

In theory, the police can but they are generally reluctant to deal with a civil matter. Aside from that, having children brought home by the police is not generally in their interests. However, a defined contact order will have an enforcement notice attached which give the court powers to deal with the party in breach.
How late was he in returning them?

OP, sorry- I've just noticed the time of your first post, when he was already an hour and a half late with his phone turned off?
That, in the absence of a very good explanation, is totally unacceptable.