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Original poster

Fed up being a cycling widow!

61 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 12/06/2011 13:15

I'll probably sound unreasonable but we hardly ever seem to do anything as a family at the weekends. My DH likes his cycling, as do I but I'm not obsessive about it. He is determined to get really fit for various events he's in but it takes over our lives and I'm frankly bored by it now. I can't remember when we last did something together as a family that didn't involve cycling of some sort. He's been out for over 4 hours now and when he gets back he'll be knackered and not up for anything else. So he'll sit around eating, relaxing and yet another fecking day will have gone past with me getting more and more irate about keeping the kids amused myself on a weekend. Grrrrrrrr! If it wasn't cycling I'm sure it would be something else.

OP posts:
glammysoooz · 13/06/2011 18:00

I think you'll all being very unfair to your male cycling partners.
All men need time to themselves and at least these men are out in the fresh air, getting fit and keeping out of trouble. You would do well to follow there example and get yourself a bike and start to enjoy one of the best forms of exercise there is and stop the whinging.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/06/2011 18:05

I'll just ignore you GS, go wind up some other people.

As my two are 6 and 7 I don't see them joining in big cycles but I'd be more than happy for them to do so when they are old enough. We do all cycle together when we can.

OP posts:
Intothevoid · 13/06/2011 20:32

Bit of a shame that all the responses are so aggressive. You need to give the bloke a chance to realise your take on it. He obviously thinks he's earned his day on the saddle and reckons you should be lucky he's not out boozing, gambling or doing your sister.

Perhaps first of all a bit of perspective is in order. On both your parts.

You don't resent him cycling, you want to spend more time together as a family. He's caught up in what he considers an honourable pursuit and as a long distance athlete myself I'd have to agree. However, it comes second to being a parent and you need to help him see that. Make a date with him for next weekend to go out as a family. Make it a regular slot and tell him that you don't give a tinkers if he cycles beforehand. If that means he has to get up at 6am, then that's the sacrifices a endurance athlete parents has to make.

I spend all day Saturday with my wife and daughters, Sunday morning I can do up to 100 miles (albeit in 5.5 hours and without the coffee break) and have a massive (MASSIVE) Sunday lunch with the family.

Tell him to HTFU and get out earlier and you need to communicate more like his equal and less like a victim.

Pkam · 13/06/2011 21:47

There's a thread about this thread on TriTalk. DH just referred me here as he's on TriTalk and I'm on MN.

According to that thread apparently someone should suggest the OP cooks for him and wears something nice for when he gets back. I'm not suggesting this myself obviously!

My DH does the early morning thing - often up at 5am to go out training.

nevergoogle · 13/06/2011 21:55

ooh ooh, i got quoted on tritalk. Grin
but they can't swear on there! cunts.

twooter · 13/06/2011 21:58

Another cycling widow here - I don't mind (anymore) the riding time but get really annoyed when he's too tired to do anything apart from sit on the sofa post rides. I have, in the past, deliberately organised outings to coincide with his return, so he can't get out of family trips etc. I've now taken up cycling too, and really enjoy it, but whereas it's been really good for our relationship, I am aware that we have to make sure that the dc aren't hanging around the house all day doing nothing whilst we take turns to ride

twooter · 13/06/2011 22:08

And don't you find it a HUGE turn off when they shave their legs

nevergoogle · 13/06/2011 22:09

er, no.

twooter · 13/06/2011 22:17

Really? You like it?

bulby · 13/06/2011 22:20

It's the after effects of the protein drinks that really put me' off! Out all morning and taking over the sofa (he says recovering, I say making excuses) all afternoon, boffing away without a care in the world.

ib · 13/06/2011 22:23

Get a trailer! I love it when dh goes cycling. He sticks both dc in the trailer and I get some (much needed) time to myself....plus the extra weight makes the training more time efficient too.

Intothevoid · 13/06/2011 22:44

Get trailer? Fucking hell love, do you know how much effort goes into getting carbon bikes, aero helmets, shaved legs, tri bars, red paint, tight fitting lycra and racing tyres? To have all that go for a burton with a three year old hanging off the back in a lump of steel with a flag on top isn't going to happen. He'll look ridiculous.

ib · 13/06/2011 22:51
Grin

But dh does attach the burton (minus the flag, but that's because the dc keep pulling it off) to his carbon frame bike. And then lugs it up the (very steep) hill with both of them in it.

He gets some funny looks, admittedly, but he doesn't seem to give a monkey's.

And it is better training (and I secretly think it looks way cooler than all the other MAMILs we get round here).

Intothevoid · 13/06/2011 22:54

Bloody good for him. Of course it's better training and if the 'dc' (I'm assuming that's a child of some description) is enjoying it too then double happy days. I'm just jealous that he's stronger than me. And he's got a carbon bike. And his Mrs has got a sense of humour. The bastard.

ib · 13/06/2011 22:56

I'll tell him you said that Wink

gourd · 14/06/2011 08:16

We have an 8 month old baby and still manage to cycle but as I said, it's about balance, for both myself and my partner, parenting does come first, before being a cyclist. This means we only do about 60 miles max each weekend (not 600 km audax rides as I once did) and take turns (i.e. I do Saturdays, he does Sundays) and we get afternoons together as a family as we're both only out in the mornings and back for lunch time. That's how it is when you're a parent. You can't galavant off for 100+ mile rides every weekend and behave as if you haven't got any children. My partner is very supportive and has said I can do a 200km audax one weekend if I want, but not every weekend. He even drove us to the start of the CTC women's challenge ride on Sunday just so I could do a nicely signposted ride on some different roads and enjoy a good blast around without any stopping or fannying about and it was great. Until recently an 8 hour ride wasn't possible anyway as I was breastfeeding every 3-4 hours, but even now I'm not sure that I'd actually WANT to be away from my family all day - especially as I'll be back at work full time in three weeks time, so weekends will be precious family time and cycling will come second. I think this is the difference between the OP and her husband. It sounds as if the conflict is in their priorities. She wants to spend more time together as a family and as a couple and he doesn't, or at least she thinks he doesn't. I expect she also feels guilt when away from her kids for a long day of cycling, and perhaps he doesn't - or doesn't appear to, and she can't understand why he doesn't appear to WANT to spend more time with the kids and with her. This is what they need to talk about - the cycling is almost a side issue.

gourd · 14/06/2011 08:26

BTW we also have a baby seat. It's fine, though hard work, as we live in a hilly area, but we live just off a busy B-road, that despite my commute through central Manchester every day, is still the worst road on the entire commute, and in all my 8 years of cycling 10,000+ miles a year, is the only road where I've ever been hit by a car, so we're rather wary of cycling on it with a baby. That's the problem with baby seats or trailers - you can only go at about 10-15 mph max, even down hill (or baby's head repeatedly hits the side of the seat as they bounce about!), you can't cycle in busy traffic and of course once baby is fed up or wet/tired/hungry you have to stop. I think we had visions of being able to potter at least 30 miles or 2 hours with her, but so far a slow half hour spin around a lakeside footpath is all we've done, so I know it's a very different type of cycling if you take your children with you! You can't expect to actually cycle - it's more about just being together.

Pedallleur · 14/06/2011 09:30

Reply to Intothevoid: There is a story from some time back of a cyclist posting of how when he was out on a time-trial, fully kitted and going full on that he was overtaken by another cyclist with a child in the seat on the back of the bike. Turned out to be Gethin Butler, holder of various records. It certainly didn't have any effect on Gethins riding.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 14/06/2011 11:30

Gourd - you have summed it up perfectly. The cycling just happened to be the catalyst.

I have taken up cycling in a 'can't beat 'em join 'em' philosophy but it hasn't worked for us that way. Although I've done a couple of sportives and enjoyed them it's not the be all and end all for me. I'm not of the sort of person who thinks it's right to have one parent off doing their hobby and then handing the kids over like a relay event whilst the other gets their turn.
It's hard even going out for a cycle as a couple as he gets frustrated because I'm slower than him and I get pissed off because I feel it's a fecking race rather than leisurely fun time together. I do have other hobbies to but they do not take precedent over the family.

We had a big discussion last night and a few points were made, none of which were actually about cycling. It was all about making time for the family and for ourselves. He struggled with that concept to be honest as he thinks we do lots of family stuff together but that he feels frustrated because the car journeys are a hassle with the kids constantly making a noise. That the camping/caravan holidays are great but we don't get time to ourselves in the evening because we're all in the one space. I then suggested that we should get some self catering accommodation so that we can have our space and then he starts going on about the kids not having so many pals and freedom that they get in a campsite (if you're still reading this far you may borrow my brick to hit yourself over your head :) to be fair he did agree that we should get a place.

More worryingly he didn't seem to grasp the just being together ourselves as being important. He expressed a need to always be doing something together which involves something else interesting. The just going out for a meal, movies, walk would eventually end up boring, says he. I pointed out that whilst these things were important and nice, they were secondary to being ourselves with time to talk to each other without interuption.

The upshot is I don't believe he actually likes/enjoys spending time alone with me - erm, great!

OP posts:
londonartemis · 14/06/2011 11:33

V - I think you are quite right to have made the points you did last night. You have to say what it is that is important to you in your relationship.
Sounds as if you will probably have to repeat them all again though at some point! Good luck.

theredhen · 14/06/2011 12:15

Oh dear VG. I've been in your position too (not with cycling but with another sport) and it's so damn frustrating.

Having to "book an appointment" to be with your partner is downright degrading and does nothing for your self esteem does it?

I think some men just get obsessed with things and can't seem to find a balance. They only focus on the one thing.

Whilst having your own hobbies and life of your own is important, if you're going to be a couple, he needs to make time for being a couple or it will eat away at you and you will end up resentful.

Be prepared to compromise but not to give up on what you want completely. Maybe you should point out that he if he doesn't want to be with you, maybe you should look for someone who does!

ib · 14/06/2011 19:34

Gourd - 8 mo is still very young. As they grow older, you can go for longer and harder runs and it can be more of a workout. I don't think 8 hours is ever likely to be feasible, but it's definitely possible to do a lot more than a chill half hour.

LeQueen · 14/06/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bennifer · 14/06/2011 20:32

My Dad's theory of why so many marriages have failed is that men easily become obsessed with something, be it golf, cycling, motor sport, and eventually they spend more and more time away from the family, to the point where the relationships just die.

That said, some outside interests are good for a relationship

RedHotPokers · 14/06/2011 20:45

OP - I am in quite a similar situation. My DH is a very keen cyclist, goes out one or two evenings a week, plus one ride on the weekend. About once every two months he does some kind of all weekend activity (endurance race or weekend away somewhere different). Generally I don't mind, but it gets on top of me now and again when I feel he is really taking the piss!!!

He NEVER complains about me having evenings out or weekends away, so doesn't really understand why I mind him doing the same (although more often). He has got better at compromising lately, and I have actually caught him turning rides down recently so as not to take the mickey with me. Most of the time I'm glad he's keeping fit, and enjoying time with friends, but when I feel like I have to 'book' some time with him, then I start to get fed up.