Contraception issues and worried my marriage is becoming asexual

[Bellbell]

We are using condoms at the moment, though hardly ever have sex - in part due to having 7 month old twins, but also because we've never got on with condoms. The sex infrequency pre-dates the twins to be honest, and I know we're both unhappy with it, though we never really talk about it. There are also emotional issues there, including that I had an abortion a few years ago, which though I think was the right decision due to circumstances at the time, took me a long time to get over. Other than the sex we have a good relationship, we enjoy each others company (and the twins!), he makes me laugh etc. But we do row quite a bit - mainly me nagging and taking my angers/frustrations out on him. I had therapy before having the babies and it helped.

I know we need to just sit down and talk about it, but I feel that at least sorting out the contraception will be a helpful start in getting our sex life on track. But I'm very senstive to hormonal changes so have ruled out the mirena coil, feel funny about the copper coil after my abortion experience, and I don't want sterilisation.

I guess I'm looking for advice on two fronts - talking through sexual issues with your partner on the one hand, and the remaining contraception options I have - diaphragm, natural family planning, or miraculous pill brand that doesn't give us hormonally sensitive types mood swings?? Would appreciate your thoughts on both / either!!

You might get more response on the general health or Family Planning forums.

You have not mentioned the other option, vasectomy? Is that because your family isn't complete, or your relationship doesn't feel solid enough?

Bellbell, wrt the contraception, DH and I have the same problem in that neither of us likes condoms and I can't take the pill. We find that the best way for us has been to mostly have non penetrative sex and occaisionally use withdrawal. I know it's not ideal but it has worked for us for several years.

Are the lack of frequency entirely due to contraception though, because it sounds like there may be other factors in play here. How does he feel about the frequency, is it an issue for him too?

Have you tried loads of pills ? Worth persevering. If you don't like condoms you may find the diaphram okay ut it's a bit of a fiddle- I had one between DCs as didn't want to go back on pill. it's okay- but you either need to pop it in nightly just in case- or get out of bed if needed. So the spontaneity goes then.

If you aren't bothered by lack of frequency then natural methods may suit you.

Why dont you like the idea of the copper coil?

Could you not get used to condoms? What exactly is it you dont like?

Vasectomy is a very good option in these circs.

There is the nuva ring, it is hormonal ( progesterone based) but it's very low dose and sits around your cervix for 3 weeks out of four, much easier to try than a coil as it's non invasive.

You could also try sponge tampons + spermicide, as effective as a cap I imagine.

There are so many different varieties of condoms nowadays though, surely you can find one type you can both get on with? We hadn't used condoms for over 20 years but when DH was waiting for clearance after his vasectomy , we tried some and thought they were really good, I couldn't tell ( apart from the lack of mess afterwards, which was nice ) and DH said he didn't lack any sensitivity, they were ultra thin "real feel" ones.

Well, I think it depends on your attitude to having more children. If you are both prepared to take the risk of an unplanned baby then you could consider some of the less reliable options. However, if you really don't want to get pregnant (which personally I think is the purpose of contraception!) then what about the mini pill / other pills. If your family is complete then think about vasectomy, after all you've had an abortion & the twins.

My GP told me years ago that the sponges were useless and only use if Pg was something you wanted.

TBH I'd suggest the copper coil, a pill that suits you, or possibly the cap if you can get on with it. But it's only 98% effective and you do have to use it properly. I used it when a PG would not have been a disaster.

Thanks everyone. I put a thread on the family planning section about natural methods but no responses as yet - don't know whether many people use it (the leaflet the dr gave me said that if done properly can be 98% effective??!) But I suppose I put this longer thread on here because the lack of sex is more than about contraception, though the contraception issue just seems to make it worse. My dh doesn't like condoms because he's quite, er, big so they are pretty uncomfortable for him...also as I seem to be so slow in getting turned on, I don't know, the whole thing just gets clunky and consequently disappointing, frustrating, and well, a vicious circle really.

I don't think I've necessarily got a low libido, but more that I've somehow 'desexualised' my dh and my relationship with him. There is history there related to messiness with a past (very sexual) relationship, but the bottom line is I do love dh and find him attractive, I've just stuck up a big wall about sex and he's probably lost the will to keep trying that hard as no doubt feels rejected.

I wouldn't want dh to go for a vasectomy though he has suggested it himself, I suppose there is a part of me that thinks what if we want another little one in 4 or 5 years time... I've tried 2 or 3 different types of pills, but yes, I probably should persevere with that. I've read that the copper coil technically acts to abort/bring on miscarriage if you do happen to get pregnant, and well, I guess I haven't quite got over my trauma to cope with that. I will check out the Nuva ring, hadn't heard of that, but anything that's progesterone based tends to turn me into a bit of nutter.

I couldn't take any pill because the hormones made my migraines agonising. So I used the diaphragm for many years. It was a bit fiddly at first, but I soon got used to it and never had any problems with it at all. I found it very quick and convenient to use.

It sound like you both need to book into some sex therapy, tbh. Also it sounds like you could both do with some ideas/new techniques on foreplay and putting on a condom. If he's big there are brands which specialise in this, maybe look to ordering online?

There are 30+ pill brands on the market- do you know which ones you took and what there composite hormones were?

Coil isn't an abortificant but yes, if there is a fertilised egg then it works by preventing implantation of that egg in the lining of the uterus.

Darlene, I've tried microgynon, marvelon and cilest, not sure of the hormones in them but did explain that I seemed to be sensitive which is why I changed brands, though remember dr poo-pooed the idea. But yes, I've thought about sex therapy. The things holding me back are: scared what it'll bring up about past (we had an uneasy start to our relationship because I was still getting over ex, I hurt him at the time, and can't bear to rake over it all again). Also I think just admitting we have a problem, I'm scared that somehow the answer will be we're just not 'suited' sexually, although I know this is not true at a deeper level because we have had great sex in the past, just not consistently and not very frequently. Also I don't know what my dh would make of a proposal to go to sex therapy.... but maybe there are some tools for helping us to talk about it all at home... basically we don't talk about it, and with 2 babies it's hard to find the time to do it, though that's a poor excuse really. Hypothetically we could get the grandparents to babysit and have a bottle of wine and talk talk talk..... but I just don't know how to open it up without risking opening up old wounds.

Also the foreplay thing, you're right, a few more techniques could be mightily helpful. Part of the problem is when we start having sex, we're both so anxious about it that it all gets a bit rushed, doesn't flow, not great etc.... I also used to have bouts of cystitis which I'm also nervous about in the back of my head... Jesus, just listening to myself....

3 types of pills is not a lot. My DD has had at least 5 changes. Thankfully she has found one which seems to suit.

Is thre any chance that you are using the unsuitable contraception as a means of avoiding sex- even subcosciously- and that if you got it sorted there would be no reason not to get close?

Bellbell, I really wouldn't recommend trying lots of different pills. Trying three is, I think, giving it a good shot. I was in the same situation with awful mood swings and endless tears and a very unsypathetic doctor who wouldn't believe it was down to the pill. I tried serveral different brands (and was repeatedly told that this amazing new brand would be fine) and found the whole thing very stressful. One of the problem is you start on the new brand, have sex and then find out you aren't getting along with it, but then you have to keep taking it till the end of the month just in case you get pregnant.

I think you should seriously consider relationship counselling. I say that, and not sex therapy, because it sounds like you have some underlying problems in your relationship, which aren't sexual, that you need to talk about and maybe some one to help guide the conversation would help so it doesn't become too heated.

If you're prone to cystitis put a little vaseline over your urethra before sex (but not if using a latex condom, think non-latex ones are ok), also dont drink alcohol or caffeine on the smae night and have sex on a fullish bladder and pee immediately afterwards. All this greatly reduces sex induced cystitis, oh and drink lots of cranberry juice.

You can also ask your GP for a antibiotic to use just once each time to prevent it happening. Also- make sure you both wash beforehand and you afterwards- not very romantic, I know. And make sure it's all well lubricated- naturally or otherwise.

You may not get on well with a cap - it can put pressure on the bladder and you do have to also use spermicide which can be mesy and possibly trigger cycstits.

karma My DD is on her 5th one i think- though orignally they were not for contraception but for other reasons.
There is a huge variation in content of pills and it really is worth trying a few. DD suffered from depression, weepiness, bad skin and tiredness on some pills.
I think she is now on Femidette which is low oestrogen.

The nuva ring is much lower dose than pills are in general, because it's absorbed directly without going via your digestive system.

You might have to fight to get your GP to prescribe it though. Mine wouldn't (though I was happy to keep trying pills in the meantime).

Although. Not wanting to project here, but you've mentioned a few things which could be a barrier to an easy, carefree sex life, and I found that with my ex, pills made me dry and lowered my libido, and condoms just irritated me beyond any hope of using them. But since being with (now) DP I haven't experienced any of that. It's just completely different and I'm amazed, because I thought either I was stuck with no contraception that would ever work, or that there was something wrong with me.

I think that therapy of some kind would definitely help, either together, or you could go on your own perhaps? It does seem like it is caused mainly by your issues, but perhaps going together would help him understand too and be able to respond better. But if it seems harder that way then alone would almost certainly be helpful too.

I cannot take the pill and both DH and I hate condoms with a passion, so I have used the diaphragm for around 30 years. Our DCs were totally planned and tbh, I found it far more convenient to sort myself out nightly 'just in case' than to stop once we had got going so that DH could whack on a condom. I would certainly recommend it.

Although with condoms, something I did find helpful was silicone lube. You can use it with latex or non latex condoms, it's safe with both, and it doesn't rub in or go sticky like water-based lube does. You just have to remember to keep some baby wipes handy as it's water resistant and doesn't wipe off with a towel etc - very weird stuff!

strawberryjelly, I assume that if your DD was not using it for contraception she could stop taking the pill as soon as she realised that it was causing side effects as there'd be no risk of pregnancy. When you know you have to carry on pumping yourself full of the hormones that are causing you to feel like you're going crazy it doesn't feel that great tbh, that's why I wouldn't recommend it to the OP.

I have had problems with the pill (continuous bleeding, headaches, weight gain etc) but the mirena coil was brilliant.

I am not sure if you have tried it and I know you said originally that you weren't keen because of the hormones and previous issues but it might be worth trying?

Condoms are a PITA. Have you thought of using the Persona ovulation predicter and using it the opposite way? If you do want to have sex on a fertile day then you can use a condom then?

I know that's how the copper coil is supposed to work, but when I had one my periods were every 28 days - it's not as though you're having a miscarriage.

karma she tried about 3 kinds for acne then began using for contraception as well. If they don't suit you, you only have to wait until the end of a pack, so assuming any side effects take a week or two to kick in, it's only another 2 weeks.

My side effects were so bad that I struggled to get out of bed each day. If I get manage to go to work, I would lock myself in the toilets crying for most of the day. I thought I was going mad. Two weeks of that is traumatic, especially when you know that you putting yourself through all that because of the pills you are taking.

Anyway, the thread isn't about your DD or me, it's about the OP and it's her decision to make as to how many different pills she wants to try.