Contraception issues and worried my marriage is becoming asexual

[Bellbell]

We are using condoms at the moment, though hardly ever have sex - in part due to having 7 month old twins, but also because we've never got on with condoms. The sex infrequency pre-dates the twins to be honest, and I know we're both unhappy with it, though we never really talk about it. There are also emotional issues there, including that I had an abortion a few years ago, which though I think was the right decision due to circumstances at the time, took me a long time to get over. Other than the sex we have a good relationship, we enjoy each others company (and the twins!), he makes me laugh etc. But we do row quite a bit - mainly me nagging and taking my angers/frustrations out on him. I had therapy before having the babies and it helped.

I know we need to just sit down and talk about it, but I feel that at least sorting out the contraception will be a helpful start in getting our sex life on track. But I'm very senstive to hormonal changes so have ruled out the mirena coil, feel funny about the copper coil after my abortion experience, and I don't want sterilisation.

I guess I'm looking for advice on two fronts - talking through sexual issues with your partner on the one hand, and the remaining contraception options I have - diaphragm, natural family planning, or miraculous pill brand that doesn't give us hormonally sensitive types mood swings?? Would appreciate your thoughts on both / either!!

That's awful Karma. so sorry to hear that.

yes, my DD or you are not what thispost is about , but I felt it was useful for the OP to know that 3 lots of pills does not mean that one won't suit her- my DD was getting really fed up and considering a coil, but then voila- she found one that suited.

We used natural method for a year without getting pg, just not shagging during my fertile few days. Got pg within 2 months when we started trying

Obv not good if you absolutely don't want to get pg, but our sex life is much better for it - I hate the Pill's effect on my libido and we both dislike condoms.

Google the Standard Days Method if you're interested.

Don't flame me please - disclaimer - you need regular cycles and a good awareness of your body to know when you can and can't shag carefree!

karma- you only need to take the pill for 7 days after the last time you have sex for it to work, not the whole pack and I disagree that 3 types is a lot to try. I've tried at least 6. I have read that you should take a new brand for 3 months to let your body get used to the hormones before giving up on that brand.

It's down to how bad the OP's syptoms are as to whether she wants to keep trying or not From her posts, I get the feeling that her need to avoid hormone based contraception is strong.

I think that the pressure for women to keep trying different pills is quite immense. When I went through this the HCPs I saw refused to believe that my syptoms were as bad as I said they were or that they were down to the pill. When I did finally manage to convince a nurse at the family planning clinic to change my brand, each time I changed I was reassured that minimal issues were reported with each new pill. Both HCPs and my friends were telling me I should keep trying new brands.

It was only when DH said that I wasn't trying any more that I felt I had "permission" to give up. We've found that withdrawal has worked perfectly well for us. I know it's not ideal for everyone, but if you actually do withdraw, it is meant to be 96% effective, which isn't that far behind condoms at 98%.

Thanks all, I have been back and forth in my head on trying more pill brands. I had a pretty bad time with them (though not as severe as Karma's terrible experience) but like Karma it was my dh who in the end told me to stop taking them and is also wary about me going back on them now, so I must have been pretty awful. But that was over two years ago now, and I've had my babies in between so perhaps hormonally things might have shifted, which makes me think maybe worth giving the pill one last try, especially as really don't fancy the coil.

Strawberryjelly asked earlier whether using unsuitable contraception (condoms) might actually be a subconscious way of avoiding sex and I think there's definitely something in that. Which is why I want to sort it out as a practical step, although the past backlog of emotional stuff is undoubtedly the more fundamental problem in our (lack of) sex life.

Although I feel we've both moved on from the hurts associated with my inability to get over my ex at the beginning of our relationship (5 or 6 years ago now), and then later the abortion, and are basically very close and loving in all other respects, somehow the legacy of it all just continues in our sex life. Maybe because when you don't have much sex it becomes a self-perpetuating problem in itself?

Thanks also bufforpingtonchick about your experiences of the natural method. I also posted about it under family planning... am now seriously thinking to give it a go once my periods settle down post-birth/breastfeeding (only had one so far).

I'm another one using natural methods of contraception - have been for nearly 2 years. Had been on the minipill after birth of first child worked ok at first but gradually, as I finished with bfeeding, I felt it didn't suit me, lowered libido and eventually caused breaktrhough bleeding. I tried changing brands, which was worse, but then came off to get pg with dd (felt normally responsive then and during pregnancy). Went back onto minipill after birth, worked at first but then I gradually realised I had a lowered libido, breakthrough bleeding.

However, it was only when I was thinking back to when wasn't using any kind of hormonal contraception, that I realised that I had a lowered libido when on the pill, and that combined with irregular bleeding led us to rethink our method of contraception.

As others have said, you do need to read up about it and get to know your body very well - we combine the Billings method with Standard Days, also some withdrawal, "bj/69 week" ;) Plus I have also used ovulation prediction tests initially (ovulation microscope and wee sticks), to make doubly sure when ovulation was occuring in a cycle. I have very clear indications when I am pre-menstrual around 2 weeks before a period, which helps as well. This sounds complex and obsessive, but it really suits me because that's what I'm like (I have always kept a period diary) :) also dh is very involved, as this method needs good communication to work. It works well for us. And as you pointed out, OP, you do need to be back to 'normal' to be sure of your cycle (we only started using this method once b/feeding had finished).

Bell
Although I feel we've both moved on from the hurts associated with my inability to get over my ex at the beginning of our relationship (5 or 6 years ago now), and then later the abortion, and are basically very close and loving in all other respects, somehow the legacy of it all just continues in our sex life. Maybe because when you don't have much sex it becomes a self-perpetuating problem in itself?

re. this:

Did you have counselling pre and post the abortion?

It might help if you had some now just to sort out the emotional issues.
Was the pregnancy that was terminated with your current partner, BTW?

I have a very close friend who had a termination whilst married- they still are- because when she got PG they were going through a very rough time and she thought they might split. They are still together after 21 yrs but the marriage is dodgy , they never had children, and the absortion has left a scar.

I wonder if you need some help by talking to a professional to enable you to get beyond any guilt or any kind of emotion that is holding you back?

Good luck anyway- and yes, after pregnancy your body may well have changed and the pill might suit you.

Thanks strawberryjelly. I started having counselling about a year after the abortion, when I was feeling terrible, and it really helped. I've talked about it quite a lot with dh (yes, the pregnancy was with him but while going through the difficult patch I mentioned 6 years ago, before we were married). Eventually he acknowledged that he was also very upset about the abortion, and this somehow helped me/us get over it. But although I don't feel angry or upset about it anymore, it did effect our sex life, along with the other stuff, and somehow got us in a rut - this is what I mean by the feeling that the sexual problems are self-perpetuating even though the emotional problems that precipitated them have been mostly worked through - if you see what I mean. But having said that we don't talk about our sexual problems and what's underlying them - past or present - and probably should. Having been through some pretty shaky times and got through it, I feel that our marriage is actually very solid now. I just want us to enjoy a happy sex life too.

Smallnotfar like the sound of your 'bj/69 week'!